The Quadriplegic Father Who Raised Triplets Into Strong Adults

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Well, it reminds me of a story when my boys were maybe nine or ten years old. I went to the store with just my son uh Joseph. We walked to a stopping shop about a mile from our home. And while I was there, I became very dizzy. I had a lot of issues with blood pressure problems. And what I needed was my son Joseph to lift up my legs and hold them there and even give me a blood pressure pill to help raise my blood pressure. And we were doing all this in the middle of a crowded store. There were people crowding around, and Joseph knew exactly what to do to help me. And he maintained his composure. He acted a lot older than his age, and basically got me through a very different episode. And I think back, I think my son was actually nine years old at the time.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

Oh wow. Well that's good that he was able to help you.

SPEAKER_03 0:50

He was great. And not only could he help me, I felt very secure and confident in his care. I knew he could do whatever it took to help me as well as to conduct himself appropriately.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

There comes a moment in every parent's life when the role they've known for years begins to change. The children they once carried, guided, and protected become adults. And suddenly the questions become different. How do you stay connected without holding on too tightly? How do you continue loving well when relationships become complicated? And while every family is different, no parent should have to navigate these questions alone. Each week, James Moppet brings together experts and parents who have walked this road before to explore the realities of parenting adult children. Through honest conversation and practical wisdom, listeners find hope for the journey ahead. Whether your relationship is thriving, strained, or somewhere in between, there is hope, there is healing, and there is always the possibility of a stronger connection. ABCs of Parenting Adult Children. Helping parents navigate loving their adult sons and daughters well.

SPEAKER_02 2:14

Hello and welcome to ABCs of Parenting Adult Children podcast. My name is James Moffitt, and I'll be your host. This evening, my guest is Kenneth James Cuntin, a man whose life changed dramatically after a catastrophic injury left him a quadruple. Yet he went on to raise three sons, built a meaningful life, became a voice of resilience and faith. Today we're not talking about accolades or achievements. We're talking about the real stuff, fatherhood, identity, vulnerability, and the challenge of raising adult children when your body doesn't cooperate with your heart's intentions. Kenneth, welcome to the show. Thank you, James. Thank you for having me as your guest. Amen. I appreciate you being here. Kenneth, do me a favor and introduce yourself to the listening audience.

SPEAKER_03 3:03

Okay. My name is Ken Cumpkin. I am going to turn 76 in less than one month. So I'm probably older than most of the fathers you've had on this show. And I'm the very proud father of triplet sons who are now 21 years old. They're about to start their senior year in three separate colleges in upstate New York.

SPEAKER_02 3:27

Wow. Triplets, huh? That's wild. So, Kenneth, before we get into anything heavy, I want to start with something simple. When you think about your three sons, not as kids, but as grown men, what one thing about each of them that makes you proud in a way you didn't expect?

SPEAKER_03 3:44

Well, firstly, I would say that they're so different. Growing up before they went to college, they did everything together. And while they're fraternal triplets, not identical, they involve were involved in every activity growing up together, including sleeping in the same bedroom. Now they're attending three separate colleges by their own choice, pursuing three separate mages, doing absolutely great on their own, and yet staying very close with each other. They're best friends, and I couldn't be more proud of them.

SPEAKER_02 4:17

That's awesome. So you've lived your entire fatherhood journey inside a body that doesn't do what you wish it could. What's one moment, maybe maybe small, maybe quiet, where you felt the weight of the limitation that most as a dad.

SPEAKER_03 4:32

Well, it reminds me of a story when my boys were maybe nine or ten years old. I went to the store with just my son Joseph. We walked to a stopping shop about a mile from our home. And while I was there, I became very dizzy. I have a lot of issues with broke blood pressure problems. And what I needed was my son Joseph to lift up my legs and hold him there and even give me a blood pressure pill to help raise my blood pressure. And we were doing all this in the middle of a crowded store. There were people crowding around, and Joseph knew exactly what to do to help me. And he maintained his composure. He acted a lot older than his age, and basically got me through a very different episode. And I think back, I think my son was actually nine years old at the time.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

Wow. Well, it's good that he was able to help you.

SPEAKER_03 5:26

He was great. And not only could he help me, I felt very secure and confident in his care. I knew he could do whatever it took to help me as well as to conduct himself appropriately. It's good.

SPEAKER_02 5:40

I keep calling you James.

SPEAKER_03 5:41

Do you want me to call you Ken instead? It's absolutely fine. As it turns out, my middle name is James. But yeah, Ken would be the way most people refer to me.

SPEAKER_02 5:50

All right, Ken. So on the flip side, what's one moment where your disability actually made you a better father than you might have been otherwise?

SPEAKER_03 5:59

Well, certainly for one, concentrating on listening to everything my boys say. Because I could not be physically active with them. They knew I'd be more engaged just sitting and talking with them. And as a result, I tried to pay very close attention to what each of the three of them were doing each day and be able to respond appropriately when they had questions. And I think it gave me more time to just spend with them rather than doing things on my own. And it helped me develop a great deal of patience, being in a situation I am, to be patient not just with one, two, but all three at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 6:38

There you go. So can many dads try to teach their sons strength by modeling physical toughness. You had to model strength without muscle. How did you teach your sons what strength really looks like?

SPEAKER_03 6:51

Well, one, I showed them how I was conducting my life, that despite the fact that I was paralyzed, I was still doing everything I could to lead a useful, productive, rewarding, and happy life. They knew that I had returned to college after my injury. I was injured when I was 20 at the beginning of my junior year in college. But I returned to school, uh, completed a number of degrees, and went to work as an assistant district attorney on Long Island. And my boys frequently saw me at work. And not only wasn't I an ADA, but I was a supervisor in the office. So they saw me advising other lawyers in their job. And they saw one, how I was conducting myself as a professional, but two, how the other lawyers treated me with a great deal of respect and followed whatever I told them to do. And they believed that I had the answers to help not only the other lawyers, but to help guide my children as well with whatever questions they had.

SPEAKER_02 7:54

Aaron Ross Powell So, Ken, I want to ask you something most people would be too afraid to say out loud. Did you ever worry your sons were embarrassed by your disability? And if so, how did you deal with that fear?

SPEAKER_03 8:06

Aaron Ross Powell Well, I was concerned before I became a father about what type of father I could be with my physical limitations. And my wife kept assuring me that she was cons she was confident I'd be a great father because I had a lot of nephews and nieces, and I interacted with them a lot, and she saw how they treated me with the utmost respect and admiration. So I really didn't feel my boys would be embarrassed by it. I thought that they would develop a great deal of respect for it. And the fact that they looked out for me and made sure that I was doing everything I could to lead a happy life, I think that increased their confidence in themselves as to how they can interact with others. And rather than be embarrassed by me and my condition, they were very proud of it and what I've been doing.

SPEAKER_02 8:58

Amen. So when your boys were growing up, what was the hardest part of disciplining them from a wheelchair?

SPEAKER_03 9:04

Well, one, my wife basically assumed a lot of that role until the boys did something that necessitated me taking a very firm hand with them. And she told them if they don't behave, they're gonna have to see their father and talk to them about what they did. And the last thing they wanted to do was to disappoint me because of the respect they held me in and how hard I was working, not only at my job, but in my everyday routine. So one of the threats from my wife was if they don't behave, they're gonna have to go before me and explain why they're not behaving.

SPEAKER_02 9:43

Aaron Ross Powell So, Ken, uh can you can you kind of run through a typical day as a father uh when your boys were growing up?

SPEAKER_03 9:52

Well, you know, having triplets, my wife was certainly incredibly busy, but she was also my caregiver. And I was responsible for my wife's care for all my physical needs each day. So at a very early age, my wife and I tried to help them become more independent, to not have to rely on us for their daily needs as much as handling it not only by themselves, but helping each other. So they learned at a very early age what teamwork meant and how each of them had to help each other, and that there was really no sense of competitiveness between the three of them. They worked together as a team and did their best to help each other every step of the way. And they were very proud of everything their brothers were able to do, which I thought was great. How long have you and Anna been married? We've been married 23 years, and our boys are now 21 years old. Actually, uh Anna responded to an ad of mine who I was looking for a caregiver to help me on weekends. And while Anna had never done this kind of work before, she responded, uh, learned very quickly what was involved in helping me with my physical needs. And it wasn't long before our employer-employee relationship turned into that of becoming very good friends and then eventually became a romantic relationship. And one of the things that our boys certainly saw at an early age is that my wife and I are so different in so many ways. So when you think now about all the issues with diversity, equity, and inclusion, my boys were used to being in a very diverse setting and treating everybody equally and including everybody and everything we do in our lives. And I think that has helped them a lot in their development.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

Aaron Powell So do do any of your boys have uh or are any of them neurodiverse or have any sort of disabilities?

SPEAKER_03 11:58

No. They're all very healthy, very active. In fact, uh they were engaged in the martial arts at a relatively early age. All three are second-degree black belts in the martial art taekwondo. They've also studied Brazilian jujitsu and even served as instructors with respect to uh taekwondo. So, no, not only are they physically active and perfectly healthy, they're all very, very bright.

SPEAKER_02 12:26

Good. So you've talked about resilience publicly, but I want to know about the private version. What's a moment your sons saw you break emotionally, spiritually, or physically, and how did that shape your relationship with them?

SPEAKER_03 12:42

Well, I don't think they actually saw me break it any way that you may be referring to, but they saw how I tried to be accommodating with people who were different than I am. Before I became a lawyer, I worked as a vocational rehabilitation counselor. And we used to bring them to where I used to work. It's called the Biscotti Center, where we dealt with, and the center dealt with people with all different types of physical disabilities. So my boys learned at a very early age what it means to be able to help others, people that may be less fortunate than they are. And they saw how I interacted with people, and they learned at a very early age what they needed to do to help others. And in fact, they used to go out uh when they were young and come back and tell me, Dad, you could go there. They have a ramp, without me even suggesting that or bringing it to their attention. They were very attuned to people's needs. Anybody who has special needs, they were very attuned to how they can help that individual.

SPEAKER_02 13:44

So you you mentioned uh three things. One of them was, I think, divert diversity, inclusion, and what was the other one? Equity, treating everybody equally. So can you can you talk about those things and and how they apply to you? Well, your family maybe family.

SPEAKER_03 14:04

My wife and I are different in so many ways. For one, my wife is from Poland. She was an immigrant. So here my boys grew up knowing they have an immigrant mother who is now a U.S. citizen, and a father who's lived here his entire life. Their mother is Catholic while I am Jewish. So they were brought up in a family that celebrated both religions. Their mother's very physically active while I am virtually totally paralyzed. So they saw what it means to be both one, physically active, through totally sedentary, and working together to help each other. My family included me in everything they did, every step of the way, whether it be in a going for certain types of entertainment, whether it be in schooling, whether it be in recreation, and we did our best to expose our boys to that and show that everybody deserves a chance, and that with everybody working together, there's a lot we all can do six succeed and be happy.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

So talk to me about your professional life, being an attorney and an in a assistant district attorney. What were some of your struggles from date? Well, let me tell you my first struggle.

SPEAKER_03 15:19

Here I had completed three years of law school. I passed a very difficult New York State bar exam the first time that I took it. I began my work by participating in a very intensive four-week training program where we were taught all aspects of prosecution from the side of being a prosecutor as opposed to a defense attorney. And I was so proud to go to court my first day, James, only to find I couldn't fit through the swinging doorways in the courtroom. They were too narrow to allow me to get through in my electric wheelchair. So when you talk about what obstacles or challenges I faced, just getting into the courtroom was a big one.

SPEAKER_02 15:59

Well, I and I can imagine that I mean, we're talking, you know, 20 plus years, you know, since your disability, you know, came into the picture. Uh and I'm I'm almost positive that there the accommodations for people that are disabled have probably a light has been shown on that, and the accommodations are much more prevalent today than they were when you first started out.

SPEAKER_03 16:24

James, I was injured in 1970, which was about 20 years before the Americans with Disabilities Act was passed into law. Uh just to give you an idea what that was like. Uh I was attending Cornell University at the time of my injury. I returned there after I finished my hospital and rehabilitation stay. And when I returned to Cornell, there was not one ramp or curb cut on the entire campus. Just to navigate my classes during my first day back, I had to be either pulled up or bounced down close to 100 steps just to attend my first day. So I was certainly used to dealing with difficulties with accessibility almost from the moment I was injured all the way through my career. And while eventually, thanks to the Americans with Disabilities Act, they made the courtroom and public transportation and other facilities more accessible. There's still a way to go, and not everything is accessible to the state.

SPEAKER_02 17:25

So I guess you're sort of a pioneer for that, right? Yes.

SPEAKER_03 17:29

I'm the first quadriplegic to ever graduate from Cornell. I'm the first quadriplegic to ever earn a graduate degree from Cornell. I'm the first quadriplegic to work as an assistant district attorney on Long Island. So yeah, there are a number of things that I did where I was the first one to do that.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

Absolutely impressed with all of your accolades and and all your accomplishments. And I know that people that are listening are, especially sons and daughters, if they manage to listen to any of the episodes here, they're going to realize that they don't have any excuse for not trying and not doing good, excelling at anything, right? Right.

SPEAKER_03 18:10

I mean, we all face challenges and adversity in our lives, but never quit, never give up. Don't listen to the naysayers. Don't listen to the people who tell you something is just too difficult. There's an awful lot we all can do. One if we work hard, try our best, work with others, and hopefully help each other along the way. And there's an awful lot we all can accomplish that way.

SPEAKER_02 18:35

Right. So as your as your teenage sons transitioned into adults or adult children, can you tell me about the transition that you and and Anna or Anna? Is it Anna or Anna? Anna. Anna. A N N A. Anna. What what uh did y'all recognize the need for y'all to transition along with them?

SPEAKER_03 19:02

Absolutely. First of all, one of the obstacles we had to overcome was during the pandemic, the COVID pandemic, when our boys were receiving school from home, as most people were at that time. But that brought us even closer with them since we spent even more time with them. But I might add that I was 20 years old when I had my injury. My boys are now 21. So they were very cognizant of what it was like for me growing up, their first 20 years, they knew at that time, when I was 20, I was doing all the things they were doing. And now I had adjust my life to change it in just about every way imaginable. So they're very uh cognizant of that. And I think they've been leading their lives exemplarly to be a role model for others. Good.

SPEAKER_02 22:51

So as your sons became adults, the power dynamic shifted. Suddenly they were the ones helping you. What was the hardest part of letting your sons become your caregivers in certain moments?

SPEAKER_03 23:02

Well, sometimes they were relatively young when my wife needed to go out to do the shopping or run errands. And, you know, it was always quite a different dynamic than most people experienced, where people weren't really sure whether I was babysitting for them or they were babysitting for me at times. But really we were dependent on each other. And as a result, we became even closer than probably most parents are with their children, because we depended on each other to get Bah each day, and it worked out great. We were very fortunate, all of us, myself, my wife, and my children to have that type of bond and relationship.

SPEAKER_02 23:43

I see all the pictures behind you, uh, I assume that's your family. Yes, it is.

SPEAKER_03 23:48

And I and I might add, I grew up in a very different dynamic family-wise. Unfortunately, my mother died when I was less than one month old. So she died during the polio epidemic. She had polio and died when I was less than one month old. So I knew what it was like to grow up with the extended family helping. My grandparents, my aunts, uncles, cousins, everybody was involved in helping me be raised from a baby to an adult. And I did my best to make sure our boys uh not only appreciated their extended family, but to be a part of it so that they could help others as well.

SPEAKER_02 24:29

That's that's great. So, Ken, if your sons were sitting here right now and I asked them, what's the one thing dad never said out loud, but we always knew he felt, what do you think they'd say?

SPEAKER_03 24:40

Well, I I think uh that's a tough one because I tried to be as open with them as I could be every step of the way. So I don't know if they're wondering what I would have said uh at any particular time, because I was always very open and upfront with them. So I think they would probably have a difficult time answering that.

SPEAKER_02 25:00

So Ken, you've lived through trauma, loss, reinvention, and decades of physical limitation. What's one thing you wish your sons understood about your pain, not to pity you, but to know you more fully?

SPEAKER_03 25:12

Well, they actually know me pretty well by now because I actually wrote a book about my life, and all three of them have read it. So they know an awful lot about my life every step of the way, and how helpful my family has been every step of the way. But I want them to know there's a lot everybody can do if they face their challenges head on. That we all have difficulties in our life. Some difficulties are obviously bigger than others, but if they work hard, keep their head up, not down, but their head up, being ready to face whatever challenges come their way. And hopefully work together with each other as well as with other relatives, friends, neighbors, everybody. There's an awful lot we all can do.

SPEAKER_02 25:59

Right. Amen. So uh tell me about your book.

SPEAKER_03 26:04

Well, I wrote a book about my life, uh, which started from the day I was born, pretty much, up until after I had been injured for more than 50 years. And I started writing it while I was first in the rehab facility more than 50 years ago. A friend indicated that he thought it would be uh good for people to know more about what a spinal cord injury was like, what the rehabilitation process was like, and what it was like uh living with a spinal cord injury. When I was injured in 1970, I didn't know of any role models that I could look to for hope or inspiration back then. I mean, James, I was injured about 25 years before Christopher Reeves received his unfortunate injury. Now he became a role model for so many people. But before my injury, you didn't see many people in public with spinal cord injuries because most facilities were not wheelchair accessible. And the roommates that I had while I was in the rehab facility didn't seem to be doing much with their lives. They all had more movement than I had, had been injured longer than I had been, and yet were basically sitting home. And that seemed like the normal back then because, after all, they were paralyzed. They had a spinal cord injury. So I wanted part of the reason to write my book is to show people there's an awful lot everybody can do if given the appropriate help, encouragement, support. And I wanted to show that we all face different challenges in our life, but we can overcome them and still lead happy, successful lives. And what's the name of your book? The name of my book is I dream of things that never were, the Ken Cuncan story. And if I might just tell you where I got that title from, six months after my spinal cord injury, while I was still in the rehab facility, I was asked to testify before a United States Health Senate subcommittee chaired by Senator Edward Kennedy. And eight days after my testimony, Senator Kennedy sent me a glass paperweight in the mail that had an inscription on it that the Senator said his late brother Robert Kennedy liked very much. And the inscription read, Some men see things as they are and say why. I dream of things that never were and say why not. And that's why I got the title of my book, I dream of things that never were.

SPEAKER_02 28:35

All right, here's so here's the final question. If God gave you one day with full physical ability, just one, what would you do with your sons?

SPEAKER_03 28:46

Hug them all day long. I would take them in my arms and never let go. That's something that I've always missed. While I could re move my left arm a little bit to kind of put around my boys. It's not the same as giving them a really tight hug. That's nice.

SPEAKER_02 29:03

So I'll always give my guests uh three to five minutes uh just to talk directly to the parents of adult children that might might be listening to this episode. Uh what would you say to them?

SPEAKER_03 29:14

Well, I'd say one of the most important things is to spend time with your children, quality time, and listen to them. Listen to what's bothering them at any particular time, what issues they're facing, and try and recognize that while some problems may not seem very big to you, if they're very large in their children's eyes, they need to recognize that. But in addition, you need to develop a a real sense of trust with your children. They need to know they can trust you with whatever problems they come to you with, whatever issues they face, that they could trust you'll do your best to listen to them and help them in any way you can, and that you'll always be there for them. There is nothing they could do that would uh take away from the love that you have for them and your desire to help them, no matter what problems they may face, no matter what adversity stands in their way, that you will be there for them.

SPEAKER_02 30:15

Thank you, Ken. That's that's wonderful. So, Ken, your story isn't about just about injury or disability. It's about fatherhood, identity, and the sacred responsibility of raising men when life doesn't go according to plan. Thank you for your honesty, your vulnerability, and your willingness to go beyond the surface. To our listeners, let today be a reminder that parenting adult children is less about perfection and more about presence, less about control and more about connection. Kenneth, you're welcome to come back on the show anytime, and thank you for all the things that you've shared. Thank you, James. It was my pleasure. So to the listening audience, I want to say thank you for the privilege of your time. You've been listening to the ABC's Parenting Adult Children. If this conversation moved you, share it with someone who needs hope today. And as always, grace, growth, and gratitude. We'll talk to y'all later.