Healing the Past, Parenting with Grace with Dr Caturia

SPEAKER_02 0:00

I think for parents in general, I think what I would tell them if I had like three major things I would tell them is to that their emotional regulation comes first. So like the story that you shared where you were like, I know I I really am angry at her about this hair, but I'm gonna keep keep it under the the radar here. So really regulating yourself is the first step, taking time for yourself, going on a walk, working out, whatever it is you need to do, even as an adult parent, before you get on the phone with them, if they don't live with you anymore, is this are you angry or are you are you calm and balanced? I think the second thing is that identity shapes that shapes their behavior. So it isn't necessarily pressure or it isn't, it isn't like putting, you know, or motivating them. We can't motivate any. It's more about seeing them where you so if you see them in that next identity, seeing them as their full potential and addressing them that way.

SPEAKER_00 0:54

There comes a moment in every parent's life when the role they've known for years begins to change. The children they once carried, guided, and protected become adults. And suddenly the questions become different. How do you stay connected without holding on too tightly? How do you continue loving well when relationships become complicated? And while every family is different, no parent should have to navigate these questions alone. Each week, James Moppet brings together experts and parents who have walked this road before to explore the realities of parenting adult children. Through honest conversation and practical wisdom, listeners find hope for the journey ahead. Whether your relationship is thriving, strained, or somewhere in between, there is hope, there is healing, and there is always the possibility of a stronger connection. ABCs of Parenting Adult Children. Helping parents navigate loving their adult sons and daughters well.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

Welcome back to ABCs of Parenting Adult Children. I'm your host, James Moffat, and today we're diving deep into a topic that touches every parent's heart, how our childhood shapes the way we parent today. My guest is Dr. Carla. I don't know how to say your last name.

SPEAKER_03 2:22

Katuria.

SPEAKER_01 2:23

Katuria. Dr. Katuria brings both professional insight and personal wisdom to this conversation. Together we'll talk about what we've changed, what we've kept, what we've healed, and how grace continues to transform our approach to parenting. If you've ever felt like you're still growing, still healing, or still learning how to love better, this episode is for you. Dr. Carla Katuria, how are you?

SPEAKER_02 2:47

I'm doing fantastic. Thank you for having me on. I'm excited to have a little discussion with you.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Do me a favor and introduce yourself to the listening audience.

SPEAKER_02 2:56

Yeah. So Dr. Carla Katuria, I was a teacher, assistant principal, a college professor for about two decades. And I recently started my own business as an elite mindset coach. I work on mental performance, peak performance with kids. I work with the whole family. And what it basically helped kids to do is remove the resistance around what's getting in the way of them thriving and living to their full potential and hopefully working through some of their emotional the emotions, the big emotions that they they feel and that gets in the way so that they can thrive as young adults. And then also yeah, help families, you know, strengthen their bond and not have as much conflict. So it's all about helping them really connect with themselves and start to trust themselves more and step into their next identity. So yeah, that's a bit of what I do.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

That's awesome. And that's uh that's absolutely needed. It's gives going to be a good conversation, and and I know that our listening audience is going to really like it. So, Dr. Carla, before we dive in, what's one thing from your own childhood that still shapes how you show up as a parent today?

SPEAKER_02 4:06

Hmm. So um I'm not a parent. I'm actually um I've but been, you know, around about 10,000 families, and those are my my kids. Um, but the way that um what I can say is as uh a child or a young adult or a teenager, it was really the emotional regulation that got in the way for me. So I didn't know how to handle big emotions. I didn't know what to do when I felt a certain way. I just felt that emotion deeply and then either held it in or exploded. And I think as an adult, I did the same thing for a long time. And then when I got a divorce and left my uh position, started my own business, had all this transition was when I actually, you know, really learned how to handle all that. And had I learned that earlier, you know, I things may have been a little bit different. No regrets, but that's kind of why I started the business so that um, you know, kids and families could make these changes earlier on and it could help affect them long term.

SPEAKER_01 5:09

Awesome. So you said you you're not a parent, and that's fine.

SPEAKER_03 5:14

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

Was there a moment when you realized and this is going back to your parents parenting you?

SPEAKER_03 5:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

I don't want to parent the way I was parented. Or or have you ever thought of you know, your childhood and how you're you know, parents parent the way they were parented typically. That's that's kind of hardwired into us. So have you have you ever as a young adult uh or well you were married before, right? Yeah. So so during your during that that time period or that season in your life, did you ever consider having kids or did you ever consider what you would want to do different if you did?

SPEAKER_02 5:58

Yeah, so I think um what it really comes down, well it it no, I I really um I considered it at times, but no, it wasn't a a thing for me necessarily, but more so that I saw the way that I was parented. My parents were fantastic by all means. And as I got older, I started to realize some of the things that weren't as fantastic, that you know, certain ways that they were and how I learned how to handle certain things about myself that I didn't love. So I think I had more awareness as an adult. I then started to look into the families that I was working with as a principal and noticing those patterns of either subconsciously, unintentionally, you know, either it's you know, the trauma that parents are carrying and how they're parenting you, you know, just continues and how people are like in these societal norms and things must be this way. And so I think I started to unwind that for myself. And as I learned to unwind that for myself, I started to help families in a different way. And I so I think it really affected the work that I do. I start I I did the work on myself and continue to do the work on myself. Um, so it may not have affected me potentially being a parent, but it's definitely affected how I support others. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 7:12

Absolutely. So I'm I'm doing a I'm doing a video series on uh children of the 70s. And uh I had a horrible childhood, and when I became a parent, uh we have four children and we're empty nesters, but when I became a parent, I recognized the fact that I did not want to be that parent parent. I wanted to be better, right? And I wanted to I wanted my children to have a better childhood than I did anyway, let's just say it that way. So those are I'm six episodes deep into it, and uh it's uh been quite interesting to say the least to dive into all of that.

SPEAKER_02 7:51

Yeah, absolutely. And and that's true, like and a lot of parents in uh an un unsuspecting way are uh I see with a lot of the families I work with almost overcompensating and you know, giving them everything and not letting them fail or not letting them make mistakes because they didn't have what what they considered a good childhood you know hood. And and so there's that part too. So you see, I see you know some people in an unbalanced way kind of to make up for what they might not have had and unwinding that as another scenario as well. But it's exciting that you have those episodes coming out, it's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

Yeah, it's uh it's it's I I turned 65 this year, and so it's been a trip down memory lane, uh to say the least, and uh it's been somewhat therapeutic, I think.

SPEAKER_02 11:38

I think so, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

Definitely so let's talk about healing the heart. You've talked about emotional healing as a spiritual work or as spiritual work. What wounds did you have to face to become a more present person? We'll take parent out and we'll say present person. And how and how did Grace meet you there?

SPEAKER_02 12:02

Yeah, so frankly, uh what I had been striving for for quite some time as an adult was to find peace, truly. So it's funny that you said that. And I lived a life uh that I didn't realize I like kind of got myself into. I I didn't like who I was becoming as as in my career, in my marriage, and just lots of anxiety, overwhelm, all the just I didn't like it. I I it didn't feel like me. And so I started on this personal development journey. And one of the things I did find was a lot, I used the, you know, of course, a lot of strategies I use with my own clients, like coaching strategies, uh, somatic strategies. Honestly, the biggest thing that has made a shift for me through all of that is also my actual like journey with my faith and really reconnecting. Uh, you know, I've always I always went to church, I was Roman Catholic, like it was I did all the things, yet what was I really faithful? And now it's a different story. I definitely have stepped into my faith and feel completely connected. And that has even grounded and grounded me even more and brought such a sense of calm and peace beyond that. So anyone that's considering that, I straight strongly encourage whatever you know you might be connected to to have that connection with your higher power is so powerful.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Right. I agree wholeheartedly.

SPEAKER_02 13:22

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:24

So parenting adult children requires a different kind of grace. What have you learned about letting go?

SPEAKER_02 13:32

Yeah. So I can speak to that from both sides. I have been speaking with a lot of parents recently at the middle school or high school level about letting go and giving their kids more autonomy because I've had conversations with other parents where their kids are in college or beyond. And if they're in college, they're not hacking it. Like they don't know how to function, you know, without parents around. So there's that, that side of it. Um, and then the other side of it for myself, um, you know, being an adult child now with a mom that is absolutely amazing, and us having such a close relationship when I rem look back at myself when I was in those teen years, early 20s, and I just can't imagine like how I could have acted that way towards her. You know, so you start to look and you start to say, my goodness, you know, all these things I do, you have a lot of guilt, but then you have to kind of let that go. So from the adult side, I have to let go of the guilt of the way I acted. And then from the parents that I work with have to kind of let go of their child little by little so that they can make the mistakes and they can, you know, they can take, you know, risks and fail and and succeed as well. So I think it's a a letting go on on both ends.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

Right. So I admire the fact that you had such a wonderful childhood. And I would like for you to possibly spend a few minutes talking about that childhood and the the relationship that you had with your mother and what was what was wonderful about it.

SPEAKER_02 15:06

Yeah. So um at that time I had both parents, my mom, my dad, I had two brothers that are younger, um, a close-knit, uh, extended family. Literally, like we'd eat dinner together twice a week, go on vacations together for the summer, you know, all the things. I did all the sports, all the activities, dance, like I literally had an amazing life. Everything was fantastic about that. And there wasn't, you know, you could always want more as a kid, you know, more video games, more time with your friends, whatever it was. But if I look back now, like I literally had everything I could possibly want. And the thing that I did not have, and the thing that I don't think anyone realized was the emotional regulation because my father was awesome, yet he'd be the one yelling on the sidelines or, you know, arguing with me. And my mom was kind of more um wasn't as confrontational. She just would be more emotionally overwhelmed. So I picked up the emotional overwhelm from her. I picked up the kind of um, I don't know, anxiety or or like, I don't know if it's aggressiveness, is what I'm trying to say, from him. And those are the things I need to handle as an adult. But with that being said, it was kind of hard to look at that because they were they're so awesome that I didn't want to, when I like you said you were going down memory lane. At first, when I started going down this road, I just kind of felt bad because I didn't want, you know, when I would talk to my mom about these things, I didn't want her to think I wasn't grateful. It it was just these one, you know, these noticings that came about over time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

All right. So I'm gonna throw you a curveball.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

Yeah, go for it.

SPEAKER_01 16:42

Let's let's dig a little bit a little bit deeper deeper, not too much. So tell us about the qualities, the specific qualities about your mom that you appreciated and how you how it made you feel.

SPEAKER_02 16:56

Yeah. With her, it was literally being the person that was always there. Like whatever I needed, support, listening, physically present with literally from doing a puzzle with me when I was a little little kid to no matter how I acted as a teenager or young adult, always being there for me. So that uh overall, she's a very self, like the one of the most selfless people. And at this point in our relationship, I'm like, you need to be more selfish. Yeah, like I'm really pushing her because I think she has to live her life. She kind of lived her life not supporting us, which just you know, like literally everything and anything I could ever want in a in a parent. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

That's wonderful. So we have parents of children between the ages of 18 and 30. And I have several, I have a Facebook support group, I've got a support group on Reddit. I I read a lot of stories and I read a lot of parents that are in conflict. And they're in conflict because the the the young adults, teenagers, young adults, whatever, are doing things that they don't agree with. You know, it can be school, it could be home, it could be career, it could be relationships, whatever. And and they are they're they're just constantly in a just a quandary about all of that. And what what would your what would your uh suggestion be for you know, moms or dads that are struggling with vision that they have for their young adult or not appreciating what they see? You talked about autonomy earlier, you know, and and all of that. And how would you how would you encourage them?

SPEAKER_02 18:53

Yeah, I think the first step is to have grades for themselves because no matter what you do, they're their own individual. So I think I think the best thing you can do is to like reach out to your, you know, what what the information you just shared, other people are sharing, reach out for support, whether it be a coach or a therapist throughout life in general, whether they're teens, twenties, and so on. And with that being said, you know, no matter what you do, it's most likely going to help a lot. But there's gonna be times where even though you hope they decide one way, they're they're gonna decide a different way. I think the the the key is is really having values and standards as a family and basing what you do with them at a younger age on those values and standards and even into their 30s of, you know, having the discussion such instead of like, I don't think you should do that, to kind of centering it around like, you know, is this, is this decision or situation fill in the blank, is this really taking you closer to your goals or further from your goals? And it doesn't always have to be a goal set with like a number and a measurable goal, but you know, your goal as a human, who do you want to become? So I think the conversation comes around, you know, helping them just figure out who they want to become, not just like what they want to be. It's not uh the career and all that's important, yet is this decision gonna help you become that next level of yourself? And and you can, I've shifted myself in my 40s, you can shift yourself in your 30s. It's it's never too late to make those decisions. So have grace with yourself as a parent. You made the best decisions with them as you could at the time and always have hope that, you know, it may not look exactly like you want it to look like. Yeah, if it's healthy for them, it's okay. But if it doesn't look like you want it to look like and it's not healthy for them, you know, then there is always that opportunity to to shift and to change. And they have the control to do that and the capability to do that. But if it just doesn't look like you want it to look because you wanted them to be a lawyer and they want to be a doctor, well, that's a different story. I mean, that they're still happy and they're they're healthy, right? So I don't know exactly what decisions you were speaking about, but you know, there's those good good healthy decisions that you just don't approve of because you for whatever reason, but then there's those unhealthy decisions that are against our standards and and things like that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

Yeah. So let's let's talk about what what you would consider uh an unhealthy decision on a on the on the young adults' side of the fence.

SPEAKER_02 21:31

Yeah, I think it's anything that's not in alignment with their true self. And that could fall under any category. It could be um, you know, partying and staying up all night. It could be doing a job that is maybe making them a lot of money, but they're they're they're not happy there, or having a relationship with someone that, you know, it's just constant conflict or they're pleasing them or they're, you know, so I think if you think of like the wheel of life in all the areas of life, if you are, you know, it could be a health thing, it could be just not in alignment with like who you really are, what what is really healthy for you, and you know, like who you want to become. So I think, you know, I can't say specifically what's right or wrong for another person, but I know if I see someone else in a relationship that isn't healthy or some in a job that they're just complaining about, like if you're in that job and you're complaining about it, like you either have to close your mouth and suck it up or change it. You know, there's like two ways to go about it, right? And so, and yeah, so I think those are the the healthy things. You know, if you don't like the girlfriend or boyfriend or the husband or wife, I'm not saying to break up, but you gotta go get support and figure that out if you're gonna stay with that person. And if not, you know, there's you gotta take a different route. So yeah, it's it's just like if if you're not in connection with yourself, you start to make those poor decisions.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:53

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

So one of the things you touched on, which is very important, I think, is you were talking about unreasonable expectations from parents. And and you know, mom and dad, they have their professional life and they worked hard, you know, they've gotten their certifications or degrees and they're prominent in their field or whatever, and they have children, they have teenagers, and then they they inadvertently maybe start greaming them to go in that same direction.

SPEAKER_03 23:19

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

And and then all of a sudden the kids are like, I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to be I don't want to be an attorney, I don't want to be a whatever, right?

SPEAKER_03 23:30

Right.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

And so and so that that kind of upsets the apple cart with some parents, right? And they have to they have to realize there has to be some autonomy and you have to you have to give your young adults the freedom and the grace to be who they're gonna be, right? And unless they're making horrible decisions like calling you from jail at three o'clock in the morning because they're drinking and driving, or you know, those are things that obviously you you really need to help them regulate and and figure out how to not do those things. They make poor decisions. But uh what other question did I have? It just flew right out of my mind.

SPEAKER_02 24:07

That's okay. Uh I can speak to what I was thinking about when I was listening to you if you want.

SPEAKER_01 24:11

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 24:13

Yeah, so I think I think there's two sides of that. I think if, like you say, if if they're trying to be, let's just pick a doctor for lack of a better term, you know, pick that career and they've done it for a year or two, they're in college, and then they decide they don't want to do it. And then it's really digging down to, well, what's getting in the way for them? So is it you don't want to do it because it got hard, because there was pressure, because there's gonna be that anywhere, right? So if that's the reason and you're just kind of giving up because it got hard, then uh no, we got to push them to stick with it and support them through that. But if it's truly like they've they've really done a lot of like self discovery and and thinking of like what they really, this isn't what I really want to give to the world, and they have another idea of what they want to give to the world and do. Then it's healthy and it's okay. You know, so it's it's the difference between just like giving up because you aren't resilient enough and it and life got tough, or saying, like, I truly feel that there's something else that is calling me and that's the thing I want to do. So I think that's that's where you have to kind of um as a parent kind of coach them through that and and question them and see versus just getting frustrated because they didn't do what you wanted that to do.

unknown 25:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:24

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

So I as you were talking, I remembered the question.

SPEAKER_02 25:28

Sounds good to me.

SPEAKER_01 25:29

So um let's talk about the the transition period. Young teenagers transition into young adults. And at the same time, parents should be transitioning from uh the parent-child relationship to the mentor and support person. And a lot of times, sometimes parents completely forget that because they're they're so busy in the day-to-day routines, right? And and so let's can you talk a little bit about how parents can be self-aware or prepare themselves for that that transition that they need to make?

SPEAKER_02 26:02

Yeah, I think it's really important because and I think it's important to start earlier. Like, for example, I have a lot, like I've worked with these these twin girls, and you know, they're about to graduate. It was six months or nine months before they go to college, and they were working with me and willing to make some shifts, but mom wasn't. It was like, well, I'm just gonna go to college with them. It's only three hours away. And she was absolutely serious. Like, I'm just gonna keep supporting them and doing everything for them like I am in high school. It's like, well, you know, is that the best decision for them for you? You know, so that was that's one thing where it's kind of like you can't expect them to do chores at 18 when they haven't had to do them since their whole life. So my first thing would be to start earlier, of course. Yet I think to prepare yourself, like it's kind of like uh, I don't, I don't really want to say this, but there's it's like a, I mean, you're closing a chapter, you're starting a new chapter. So there is gonna be sadness and crying and they're leaving the home and things like that. So it's kind of like a death on one end, but then it's also the perspective we give it. So instead of thinking like, oh my God, everything's gonna be horrible, they're gonna be in the world on their own, they're gonna get, I don't know, all the all the things, they're gonna get beat up, stolen from, you know, whatever these things we think are gonna happen, and having that shift in our heads and saying, like, well, I'm really confident with the fact that I have provided them with such and such opportunities to be independent in high school and in middle school. So I'm confident in the fact that I've given them all the tools I possibly can and will continue to. And what if it turns out even better than I thought it would? Uh, so I think it's it's a mindset shift as well as like emotionally like preparing yourself. And, you know, maybe you do need some support through that time. Maybe you need to speak, you know, other moms or dads and and things that are going through it or or therapists or coaches. But I think it's really not gonna be always the easiest time, but it's it's a really exciting time. So kind of shifting that anxiety you might be having into excitement and being happy for them.

SPEAKER_01 28:09

Right. That's good.

SPEAKER_03 28:12

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:14

So let's talk about let's say that you know, and none of us are perfect, right? We all make mistakes. We're human. Families are messy, complicated, relationships are messy and complicated. But then then you know, you start working at whatever stage. You know, you can start working in your 30s, 40s, 50s, whatever, it doesn't matter. Uh you're always going to be a person's parent just because just because the child turns 18 doesn't mean parenting is over. And and I that was an epiphany for me because I'm here to tell you I thought, oh, you're 18, pat you on the head, give you a lunchbox, and send you out to go find a job and you have a nice life.

SPEAKER_03 28:54

No.

SPEAKER_01 28:55

That's not realistic. That's what my parents did to me. And then uh, you know, between the ages of eighteen and twenty six, I was a dumpster fire. It's a miracle that I'm still sitting here and talking about this stuff. But let's talk about let's talk about or two parents that that recognize that they were not the perfect parents or they weren't the stellar parent, or that they could have done better. Or maybe they think, oh my god, I've I've just screwed up my kids, you know, and of course that's not true either. But but how can we encourage parents to to reinvent themselves or do that reparenting later on in life versus not at all?

SPEAKER_02 29:37

Right. So I I think it's never too late. I think every parent messes up their kid. Like I if I had a kid, I would mess it up. Would I be a terrible parent? No. Would I make mistakes? Yes. So every single one of every parent does have make mistakes. It's just how much are you gonna beat yourself up about it? And so part of it, I think, is the the letting go of the idea that you have to be the perfect parent. That, you know, so you you had a rough, you know, late teens and 20s, and you then you wanted to kind of kick your kids out and realize, ooh, I still gotta parent them. And okay. I think part of it is is letting go of the fact that, you know, you're you're perfect. And then I think part of it also is, like you said, the reparenting. Like it's never too late to work on yourself. You're 65 and you're making this series. You probably did work at 55 and 45, I don't know. But you know, it's any anytime you hear new information that you think pertains to you and can help, you can shift yourself. And you don't have to do an entire uh overhaul of your entire life. Yet if you take a few tips from this podcast, another podcast, and you start to like make small shifts in the way that you interact with your kids or in the way that you treat yourself, then that's amazing. Like all it has to be is two millimeter shifts. And before you know it, you've made so many two millimeter shifts that you've changed and you've you've made better decisions or found ways to help your adult children differently. Or even maybe in some instances, like said, man, I'm sorry that I treated you that way at this time. I was feeling really guilty for it. And, you know, maybe just having some vulnerability with it too. Um and just like airing it, you know. So I mean, I think none of us are perfect, parents are not parents. And it's hard to be a parent and be in the, you know, I gotta go to work, I gotta be connected to my kids, I get frustrated, I get angry, I yell, all these things happen no matter what age they are. And they're not on they're not avoidable. It's just if we can make a small shift to do it a little less, then that makes everything a little bit better.

SPEAKER_01 31:42

Yeah, and I think I think I think being able to be vulnerable and and and and have humility and say, hey, you know, I I blew it during this season of your life, or this incident happened, you came home and your hair was purple on one side and your head was shaved on the other, and I lost my cool and asked you what was wrong with you. My daughter actually did that to us. We were we we were in the kitchen cooking, I don't know, whatever, hamburger helper. I don't know, we were standing at the stove talking about our day, and I saw my daughter walk into the she was probably 16, 17. She walked into the the kitchen, we were looking out the window, and the stove was right here, and she was to our left, and I saw her in my peripheral vision, and I knew something was a little different, and I kind of looked over at her and I saw that, and I didn't react. I I actually handled it well at that point. I didn't react, you know, we carried on our conversation, I didn't miss a beat, and uh then I went over and said, KL, I'll just use her initials. I said, Oh, KL, how was your day? Oh, blah, blah, blah, whatever she said. And I said, I said, okay, so what's going on with this? And she just she just wanted to be unique, different. And I think that's just a thing teenagers do, you know, and she she might have done it just to see me blow my stack, you know, or whatever, hoping that I would react in a bad way. And inside I was going, oh my god, what is wrong with this child? But I didn't let that creep out, you know, I just kind of kept it to myself.

SPEAKER_02 33:13

Yeah. But I think it's And James, you just proved like you are a good parent. Like you, you know, you pick your battles, you know, is the purple hair gonna last forever? No. So why would I get upset about it?

SPEAKER_03 33:24

You know? Right.

SPEAKER_01 33:25

Yeah. Well, I think I think the thing that kind of tripped me out was the fact that half of her head was bald and the other half was purple. And I was like, Yeah. Now my parents, my parents would have flipped out. I guarantee you, they'd have blew their stack and wow, it'd have been it'd have been ugly.

SPEAKER_02 33:42

Well, it's fun, and funny enough, I've I've apologized. I have two younger brothers, they're 10 and eight years younger. So a lot of my teen years was taking care of them or, you know, helping them. And when I became a teen, I became kind of like super like I had like an attitude and angry and like bossing them around. And, you know, later in life, you know, you're you know, when I was in my you know, 30s or 40s, I was apologizing to them. I was like, I can't believe I treated you that way. They were like, what are you even talking about? We we don't know, we don't even remember. We just we would laugh when you got angry. You know, they they wouldn't even it to them, they were like, oh, it didn't even bother us. So sometimes the things we hold on to as far as like feeling we need to apologize for, we might need to apologize for them and be vulnerable. And then the other person is like, what? So maybe it's good to just get it out because it's probably hurting you more than it is even the situation, right?

SPEAKER_01 34:37

It's called it's called good therapy.

SPEAKER_03 34:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:43

So what what um I I have to be honest and say that that um I use I a little bit to help with my questions. And it thought you were a parent. AI was wrong. It's all good. News Flash. So uh we have a few we have a few more minutes left. Um what would you like to talk about?

SPEAKER_02 35:05

Um Yeah, I can I mean I can share uh a little bit about um some of the things I do, like uh I don't know, some of the things I help around with kids around or I and parents or um kind of some of the frameworks I might use. If that seems like it's something we can have a discussion about. Um Absolutely. I mean, yeah, so I mean I can just start with like the pillars that I I named my business the House of Rise after resilience, identity, self-confidence, and emotional intelligence. So those are like the things that I feel are um I see over and over again of of kids, teens, tweens, young adults really needing to build more of. And I I kind of work around helping them shift their state. So if they're living mostly in an in power, like a lack of unempowered state to getting them to shift their energy into a more powerful state. So as you know, and it's letting go of things, it's there's a whole lot around that, but just had getting them to regulate and shift their state, build strong habits, which then become routines, which then they integrate into their life. And then having that, you know, really knowing what their foundation is, their values, their their standards, having that self-awareness. And as we do that over and over again, they really start to transform into the next identity, the next identity. Because many of my kids I spend a lot of time with, you know, we'll spend months or years together and you see them shift. So it I think that really helps as as they become more powerful and step into who they really are, it then helps the relationship with their with their family, friends, with their boyfriends, girlfriends, whoever might be involved, because the can't everything kind of hinges on relationship in our world. Like it just is. And I think that they then they can really not be that person who is being successful without that that sense of self. They're now successful and they know who they are, versus kind of just being successful or being the doctor because mom and dad wanted me to be. No, I'm actually being the doctor because I want to be and I and I know why. So I think uh yeah, that's the a lot of my clients, we work through that, whether it be, you know, the transitions, like you were saying, to college, or it be that they are a dancer or an athlete and they have a lot of pressure around their activity. And a lot of the pressure that they're putting on themselves is coming from them, not necessarily their parents. Yeah. So uh yeah, that's that's basically a little bit in more detail of how I support teens and how I support families. And then like I said, it it just their relationships start to improve. Does that mean the the kid never swears or never does anything wrong? Absolutely not. But the more vulnerable that parents can be with their kids, the more they can validate their kids' motions, the more they can listen to them, the better it it becomes. And I'm sure you have stories of times like you just share with your daughter when you did kind of make them feel seen, make them feel heard, and and it it went went it went a good in a good direction, right?

SPEAKER_01 38:15

Right.

SPEAKER_02 38:15

Yeah, yeah.

unknown 38:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:17

So as you were talking about that, I was thinking about this story that I could tell. So I was talking to some adult friends of mine about the same age as I was at the time in their 50s or whatever. I was talking to them about, you know, parenting and the things that we were struggling, struggling with with our kids and as teenagers. And they were they told me about I think it was the husband. I think the husband was saying that that uh his younger brother his his parents put him through medical school. Or I should say they started putting him through medical school. And he he was more into you know how kids are in college, it's party time. You know, you're independent, yeah, you're there to learn, but you're also there to have fun on the weekends and at night, and you know, all the sororities and all the you know, activities that go on that may or may not be conducive or healthy towards a learning environment. But uh so he wasn't making good grades and he wasn't passing his classes, he was skipping out on classes, blah, blah, blah. And his parents just kind of drill a line in the sand, you know. He came home during the summer one summer and they said, We're we're not going to spend our hard-earned money on you to go to college to party. You know, you need to decide whether you want to be a doctor and buckle down and apply yourself, because I'm sure medical school's not not easy at all.

SPEAKER_03 39:41

Correct.

SPEAKER_01 39:41

And and I guess he decided he was done with it. And so they quit paying for his college, he went out on his own, you know, was working, whatever, you know, supporting himself the best he could, I guess. And then one day he caught a vision. And he decided, I do want to be a doctor. And so he worked his way through medical school and paid for it out of his pocket. And he is now one of the foremost renowned cardiologists in Charleston. And they they the the the thing that I needed to hear as a parent was was your your child, your young adult, they need to catch their own vision. They need they need to envision a dream. They need to catch their own dream and decide what what they want to do in life. And I I have a I have a child that's right there that I wished, you know, I wish they would have figured that out, you know, ten years ago. But they yet have they haven't done it yet, you know, and I'm hoping that while, you know, Katie and I are still here on this green earth on on this side of the dirt, that we can can see that. You know, we can see the flower, you know, the rosebud open up and bloom and become who that that young adult is going to be at some point, you know.

SPEAKER_02 41:06

Yeah, and yeah, and I think and so I No, drawing that line in the sand was really important. I mean, it it whether it's drawing the line in the sand, like you said, taking away the college tuition, or it's something, you know, in sixth grade that you have to let them fail a class, whatever it might be, but learning that lesson, them learning the lesson is more important than than anything. And he needed that space and that time and those other experiences that happened in order to bring him back to himself. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:36

Right.

SPEAKER_02 41:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:37

That's a pretty amazing story.

SPEAKER_02 41:39

Absolutely. And your daughter, I mean, it's kind of like that intersection of like, okay, what's her what is her passion? What does she want her mission to be? Like, what does she love to do? What are her strengths? What does the world need? And also, how can I be paid for this? Because obviously we live in a in a society where you need to get paid for that. So coming to that intersect, you know, if she can come to that intersection and do that reflection, um, that's where she can find her sweet spot. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:08

Well, we're hoping and praying that that happens.

SPEAKER_03 42:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:12

Sooner sooner than later.

SPEAKER_03 42:13

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:14

I mean, we st we still love her. We love all all our children, you know.

SPEAKER_03 42:18

Absolutely, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 42:19

We want the best for them and want them to be successful and be happy, be healthy and be happy, right?

SPEAKER_02 42:25

Yep, absolutely, absolutely. I I worked with speaking of that, I worked with a kid, uh, a kid in senior year wanting to be a doctor, then went to school, was like, I don't even know if I want to do this. And we did, like, we did a lot of reflection. He did a lot of reflection. We worked through it. He decided to stay with it and shift a major, uh, excuse me, shift his minor, you know, so he made some adjustments, but he really, you know, fortunately was able to get support and make the adjustments right there. And then, you know, so he needed kind of that like to go to college to experience it to kind of see. Because, you know, when when you're 18 in college, how much different are you than you were in high school? It's only been a few months, you know. So yeah, they need that. Absolutely. What a story.

unknown 43:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:09

That's that's why they have, I don't really, I don't even know what they call them. The they have counselors. Uh, what do they call them?

SPEAKER_02 43:15

Some kind of in college, you're saying? Or yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:19

Like, like you're struggling or you're you don't you all of a sudden you go, I don't want to be a doctor, I want to be whatever.

SPEAKER_02 43:25

Like career, yeah, yeah. Counselors.

SPEAKER_01 43:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:29

That's why they're there. So the kids can go to them and go, I'm not happy with this. This is my parents' dream. It's not my dream. What what options are available to me, right?

SPEAKER_03 43:39

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 43:39

So that's why, that's why those counselors are there.

unknown 43:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:42

They can look at their they can look at their, you know, their achievements thus far or their lack of achievements and go, so this is not making you happy, and this is not your dream. What what is your dream? What do you want to do? Right.

SPEAKER_02 43:56

And the sooner they figure that out and they can, you know, look at their major and look at their course schedule and make those shifts. And yeah, I think it's it's it's worth reflecting on and it's worth reaching out for. Absolutely. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:10

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 44:11

All right. So we're at the the place in the episode where I gave you like three to five minutes to for your elevator speech and to talk to talk to parents of adult children who are listening out there and looking for information and support and hope and all of those things. What would you, what would you tell them?

SPEAKER_02 44:31

Um Yeah, some of the things I already shared, I can, you know, obviously share again. I think for parents uh in general, I think what I would tell them if I had like three major things I would tell them is to that their emotional regulation comes first. So like the story that you shared where you were like, I know I I really am angry at her about this hair, but I'm gonna keep keep it under the radar here. So really regulating yourself is the first step, taking time for yourself, going on a walk, working out, whatever it is you need to do, even as an adult parent, before you get on the phone with them, if they don't live with you anymore, is this are you angry or are you are you calm and balanced? I think the second thing is that identity shapes that shapes their behavior. So it isn't necessarily pressure or it isn't, it isn't like putting, you know, or motivating them. We can't motivate any. It's more about seeing them where you, so if you see them in that next identity, seeing them as their full potential and addressing them that way. You know, if if if they're struggling in medical school like you shared and and they know they really want to be a doctor, but they're just struggling, it's it's seeing them at that next level of being successful as a doctor. And I think the third thing is really ownership builds confidence. So that's that autonomy is what builds confidence. Not micromanaging them, not, you know, kind of fixing everything for them. It's let them own it, let them build the confidence, let them, it's and they can safe fail early on. Safe failing is is perfectly fine. Obviously, we need to step in if there's there's really certain situations that our our kids can't handle. But so I think that ownership really builds that confidence. Um and just really helping them connect with themselves, like they don't have to become someone else to thrive. It's it's bringing them back to themselves because in those teen years and young adult years, you have all these cliques that you're a part of and you want to be with this group and that group or like this kid and that kid. And as they navigate that, helping them just stay grounded into who they really are. And I think that is very important. And uh, I think I just would love to say to all parents that, you know, nobody's perfect, like I said earlier, and to have grace with themselves and if they really do need support, whether their kid is struggling to reach out, and I have a lot of parents that reach out too, if their kid is doing really good and they want them to do even better. And so, so support is always is always uh a really good thing. And you're doing the best you can. So keep keep doing that and keep making small shifts to to the ways that you interact, and it will get even better.

unknown 47:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:17

Awesome. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 47:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:18

So, Dr. Carla, how would somebody uh get a hold of you? Uh where you're you have a website, you've written a book or yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:25

So the best way is social media, you know, to connect with me on Instagram or on um on Facebook. And from there you can see all of my links. I have a website, I have a course, and I offer, you know, coaching. So there's a whole bunch of free videos and things like that. So you can kind of check me out and see what you think. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:42

What's what's your website? What's the URL to your website?

SPEAKER_02 47:45

So it's the House of Rise.

SPEAKER_01 47:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 47:49

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:50

And everything's houseofrise.com.

SPEAKER_02 47:52

Right. So my website's thehouseofrise.com. And then all my and all my socials, everything is under Dr. Carla Katuria. So everything's under Okay. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 48:01

We'll make sure to put that, we'll put that in the show notes so people can see it.

SPEAKER_02 48:05

Appreciate that.

unknown 48:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:07

So, Dr. Carla, thank you for sharing your heart and wisdom today. You've uh reminded us that healing is a journey, not a destination, and that grace is the light that guides us through it. To every parent listening, thank you for the pro privilege of your time. You don't have to come from a perfect family to build a healthier one. Healing doesn't erase the past, but grace can change what gets passed down. Keep growing, keep healing, and keep leaning into grace. I'm James Moffat, and this has been ABC's Parenting Adult Children, and we'll see y'all in the next episode.