The Father, the Son, and the Aha Moment with Steve Barton

SPEAKER_01 0:00

I'm I'm a coach. I help leadership for entrepreneurs, I uh executives and and single proprietors. And I love learning, I love personal development, and I help people find their unique skills, talents, passions, and help them do the best they can and really love what they do. They say when you love what you do, you never work a day in your life. So I'm I've been not working for a long time and I always love what I do. So that's what I do, and I help people of become their authentic self as well. And that is hard for people to do because they want to be like someone else. They they start looking at others, comparing themselves, and and or other people want them to be like they are. You should do this, you should do that. Why do you do that? It's like because I'm myself. Why do you ask? So I think it's really hard to be your authentic self in this world because it's it's it's it doesn't seem to be all that rude to say, oh, you should do this, you should read this book on you. I call it shooting on people. It seems to be a lot of that going on.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

There comes a moment in every parent's life when the role they've known for years begins to change. The children they once carried, guided, and protected become adults. And suddenly the questions become different. How do you stay connected without holding on too tightly? How do you continue loving well when relationships become complicated? And while every family is different, no parent should have to navigate these questions alone. Each week, James Moppet brings together experts and parents who have walked this road before to explore the realities of parenting adult children. Through honest conversation and practical wisdom, listeners find hope for the journey ahead. Whether your relationship is thriving, strained, or somewhere in between, there is hope, there is healing, and there is always the possibility of a stronger connection. ABCs of Parenting Adult Children. Helping parents navigate loving their adult sons and daughters well.

SPEAKER_03 2:15

Hello, welcome to ABCs of Parenting Adult Children podcast. My name is James Moffat, and I'll be your host. Today we're joined by Steve Barton for a conversation about parenting, communications, and building stronger relationships with our adult children. Steve is also the co-author with his son Spencer, The Father, the Son, and the AHA Moment, a book that explores growth, connection, and understanding between parents and children. We're excited to hear his insight and perspective on navigating family relationships in every season of life. Steve, how are you tonight?

SPEAKER_01 2:52

I'm great. How are you doing, James? I appreciate you having me on the podcast.

SPEAKER_03 2:57

Yes, I'm I'm excited to have you on the show tonight. Do me a favor and introduce yourself to the listening audience.

SPEAKER_01 3:03

Well, I'm Steve Barton, owner of Steve Barton Coaching. I'm in Portland, Maine, and I coach people, executives, entrepreneurs, business owners, primarily, but I also work with relationships as well because I think parenting is a relationship. It's a leadership role. I don't know how leadership, parenting, coaching, it's all this. It's you're we're all doing it, whether we know we're doing it or not. How well we're doing it, that that's a different story.

SPEAKER_03 3:32

So, what inspired you and your son, Spencer, to write The Father, the Son, and the AHA Moment Together?

SPEAKER_01 3:39

Well, my son has different political views than I do. And he was coming to my house and telling me his viewpoints of how the country's run this way and that way and how it can be better. And he was doing this on a constant thing. And I could I could repeat it back. 20 minutes, I'd listen to it. And finally, the third time he did it, I said, Spencer, what are you doing about it then? I was telling this to Marianne Williamson when I was talking telling her how I did it. And she goes, What gee, what do you say? I go, I just let him let him think about it for a moment. So it's either do something about it or shut up, basically. Right. So yeah, so I don't, I'm not a big I don't complain. I'll either do something about it or I'll shut up. Because I don't I think complaining is a grievance against what is. And that's in to my in my mind, it's it serves no purpose.

SPEAKER_03 4:39

Well, I think uh I think politics, religion, what's the other one? There's like two or three topics. Sex, sex. The other one's sex. Sex, okay. Yeah, those are three topics that corporate America kind of HR always sends out information saying, you know, these these are topics that you really shouldn't talk about uh around the water cooler because people get passionate, they're passionate about their viewpoints. Pretty much. And my my son and I, I have a son that's an attorney, he's 20 28 or 29, and uh he and I are on are both on the opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to politics. Um we have over the years we've had some very even level or even keeled conversations about it. Yeah.

unknown 5:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:29

I say if I say if it works, I say if it works, let's do it. But uh history doesn't history does pretty much have said what works and what doesn't. And even our even our system isn't perfect, and uh we're seeing that play out as we speak.

SPEAKER_03 5:45

So absolutely. So, what did writing the book teach you about your relationship with your son?

SPEAKER_01 5:53

Um it solidified the way I am and it solidified the way he is, and uh the funny, the fun of the not so fun at the time part was uh he likes to procrastinate. Uh very uh gifted intellectually. Uh, we both have ADHD. Uh, I think he got it from me. And uh so very had he had 30,000 words written. I had an editor waiting for a deadline, and he says the deadline's on Tuesday. So on Friday, I said, we need to get it in by Tuesday. I can't do it by then. I need to have more time. I said, you know what? Um Tuesday. So in the meantime, I by Monday I had him written out of the book. So Monday night, um, he said, I don't have time for this. I said, You don't have to, we're all set. And uh what do you mean? I said, I just wrote you out of the book. So he he miraculously, five minutes after the deadline, seven o'clock on Tuesday night, he had everything in and ready to go. So that's how I'm parent. And and he kind of knows how I am. So I don't get I don't I don't get angry. I get uh I just tell it like it is and work around. I had to work do that in my other business. Uh I ran my family flower business for 30 years. So I had a father. So I I had to do a lot of work around. So I know how to work around people. If they don't want to do something, I'll I work around. It's a workaround, right?

SPEAKER_03 7:29

What are some commu common communication mistakes parents make with adult children?

SPEAKER_01 7:36

I think they treat them like like children. That's a big mistake. You treat them like adults. Uh you know, you live by the act the choices you make. Uh and you I tell them what I agree with, what I don't agree with, and or I shut my mouth. And I said, You're gonna f learn from your mistakes or you're gonna re make them over again. It's your choice.

SPEAKER_03 7:59

So we've we've always we've discussed about the parent-child relationship up until they're about eighteen years old. And after after eighteen years of age, you no longer really you really don't have a parent-child relationship or a mentor or a support person. And parents uh they're so deep into that identity, uh, sometimes that they forget that they have to transition to, right along with their child.

SPEAKER_01 8:27

Yeah, you had yeah, they had we had our chance to to mentor, we had our chance to lead by example, and at 18 they are legally adults, whether they acted or not. They say the brain now is uh forms at 24 completely. So, you know, you want to give them a break, but you don't want to uh condone bad behavior and uh you know cover for them because they're gonna make mistakes and they have that's what mistakes are for to learn from or to repeat over and over and over again.

SPEAKER_03 9:00

So well, I think we I think we have to find the fine balance between being a helicopter parent and a a mentor. Right.

SPEAKER_01 9:12

Yeah, a mentor gives advice when asked, and uh helicopter parent interjects and usually causes a a wedge between the parent and the child because they want they want yeah. So I think the game of 10 in one of the phrases, everyone's doing the best they can with the awareness they have. Okay, everyone is 10, and just because you're doing your best, it doesn't mean you're doing at the highest level of awareness. But you have to give them that benefit of the doubt that that's where they're at, they'll figure it out or they won't. And um, you're there to, you know, if you can ask them if you want my advice, I'll give it to you. But I don't think giving advice to anybody without being asked is helpful in any relationship.

SPEAKER_03 10:01

Right. So I have to ask, what was the aha moment?

SPEAKER_01 10:09

My aha moment, well, as I was Barriane Williamson's my coach, and when I told her the name of our book, she goes, Oh my god, I love that name. How'd you come up with that name? I said, Well, I'm writing with my son, and she says, You know, the aha moment is the Holy Spirit. I said, I didn't, but I now it makes total sense. So my aha moment was when I was 36 years old. I went to therapy, and within a month and a half, I had an out-of-body experience. I was doing medium work. It was like my aha, I just flipped from going from probably a level five to a level 10. And it was so fast, I didn't have time to assimilate it into my life. So I had a huge aha moment. And it took me a few months to get grounded, figure out who I am, what I'm doing here, how do I assimilate into a normal world being natural? So that was my aha moment. It was huge. So from that time on, I just studied every self-help personal development book. And uh still interested, but rarely do I get much out of the books written. I learn how to say things differently. And that's I think that's what I've learned about this. I can say, I can talk to anybody, usually it um in at any level, from a religious standpoint to a psychological standpoint to a colloquial, everyday standpoint, you know. So it's it helps me say it, communicate to different audiences at different times, and including group settings I'm in, but I keep things pretty. Pretty that's like foot foot deep. Let's put it that way.

SPEAKER_02 11:55

I don't go deep. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:59

How can parents support their adult children without becoming over involved?

SPEAKER_01 12:07

Just pay having been with them and having just conversations that what what's up, you know, listen to what they have to say. Do more use you get two ears in one mouth, so you've heard that before. So you use your two ears and listen to what they have to say. And you say, Do you want to me to listen to you or do you want me to give you advice? I think those are the two best things because a lot of times people will will just want to get it out, and they don't, they know they have to figure it out themselves. They want to figure it out themselves. So I my feeling is just ask them, do you want some advice or do you want me to listen? And how can anyone get angry with that? And more times than not, they're gonna say, I just want I just want you to listen.

SPEAKER_03 12:51

So was there an aha moment that changed your parenting perspective?

SPEAKER_01 12:59

Um when my my my son's mother one day, after 19 years of marriage, says, Um, I decided I don't want to get divorced and I want you out of the house tomorrow. Uh that was a big uh a big that was a I got a text, first of all, said uh can we talk? I said, sure, you know, heart, heart. And uh then when she came in and what what the talk was, it was a one-sided talk, and she stuck to it. So I was she was a very much a helicopter mom. And so I didn't really get a chance to. Whenever I was with my son, it was, you know, don't you have homework to do? Don't you have this? Don't you have that? It was like we'd have a great time together, you know. We'd as father and son, we'd rough house and laugh and and joke around and hang out, and she didn't like that, you know. Whether she would totally deny it to this day, and if she's listening, I'd say the same thing to her face. But what that I was basically um it was I became very apparent at that point. And it was me what I had Spencer one week on and one week off. So that was eye-opening for me. And it was great because I never would have got to know him as well as I did if we did not have that situation happen.

SPEAKER_02 14:21

How old was Spencer when y'all wrote the book? He was 18. Okay. How old is he now?

SPEAKER_01 14:31

He's 24. So I think it was five, yeah. I think it was five and a half years ago. It was during COVID. So I got a lot done during COVID.

SPEAKER_03 14:39

There you go. What advice would you give parents who feel distant from their adult children?

SPEAKER_01 14:50

It's a tough one. You know, I don't know the reasons why. You don't know if there's other people involved in it. You don't know what their past is, what traumas they've been through, what I don't know the history. So giving advice is you just have to give them the space that they asked for. Yeah, that can be a lifetime, or that can be they might just call you up on you just don't know. I I'm not somebody who can give advice on because I don't know the situation. I think the only thing you can do is as a parent who's estranged from the children, send them a note, tell them you love them, and when they're ready to talk, I'd love to have you back in my life and leave it at that.

SPEAKER_02 15:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 15:34

What does a healthy relationship between parents and adult children look like to you?

SPEAKER_01 15:40

Respect. Respect of each other's boundaries. And that's it in a nutshell. In uh Course in Miracles, it says, sometimes love says yes, sometimes love says no, sometimes love says stay, and sometimes love says go. So it's loving to have healthy boundaries for both sides. And if we look at each other as loving beings, then this is what we have to have. A lot of people who become awake and enlightened or spiritually awake or found Jesus or born again, you know, you think no boundaries. You know, that's not true because uh you have to have healthy boundaries. When to say yes, when to say no, when to say stay, and when to say go. And and that is flexible and situational. So it's kind of like a moving, moving, but it always has to be giving and receiving. So it's flow. Relationships flow. And if they don't flow, there's something out of whack with them.

SPEAKER_03 16:48

So, what do you hope people take away from your book and message?

SPEAKER_01 16:54

They're doing the best they can. All right. That might the whole book is basically a parenting book. It says the father, the son, the ahamam, tools for helping you and your child develop a path to happiness. It's really written for three people. The the parenting, it's for parenting, it's for the inner child of the reader, and it's a game of ten encapsulated within the book. So this the ten phrases in the book is I'm 10, which means everyone is 10, doing the best they can with the awareness they have, always right with the awareness they have. We are enough, we do enough, and we have enough. And those six phrases actually quiet the mind so we can align, atone, and be with source energy, God, if you will. And that's where we naturally attune with. And to stay in that presence is where love can really flow. That's where ideas flow. That's where the flow is. That's when you're when you that's when you're your authentic self. So often we get wrapped up in I'm not enough, I don't do enough, I don't have enough, I'm not right with the winners I have, I'm not 10, and I'm not doing my best, I can do better. So that's where I call that the game often played. So most people are playing the game often played throughout the day and wondering why they have situations happen that they keep that keep happening. So they haven't learned that from that mistake. Um not a big believer in sin. I believe in mistakes, and mistakes are to be learned from.

SPEAKER_03 18:39

So if I were to give you five minutes for an elevator speech, what would you tell tell the listening audience?

SPEAKER_01 18:47

Five five minutes for an elevator speech? Well, three minutes. Um I don't know if I'd give a speech, I'd give I'd say, how are you doing? and and what's going on in your life. And um I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 19:04

So if you were giving let's just say if you were selling yourself uh in your book.

SPEAKER_01 19:14

Selling myself and in my book, um, I like to offer myself. Uh I'm Steve Barton. I'm I'm a coach. I help uh leadership uh for entrepreneurs, I uh executives, uh, and and single proprietors. And I love learning, I love personal development, and I help people find their unique skills, talents, passions, and help them uh do the best they can and really love what they do. They say when you love what you do, you never work a day in your life. So I'm I've been not working for a long time, and uh I always love what I do. So that's what I do, and I help people of become their authentic self as well. And that is hard for people to do because they want to be like someone else. They they start looking at others, comparing themselves, and and or other people want them to be like they are. You should do this, you should do that, why do you do that? It's like because I'm myself. Why do you ask? So I think it's really hard to be your authentic self in this world because it's it's it's it doesn't seem to be all that rude to say, oh, you should do this, you should read this book, and you should I call it shooting on people. It seems to be a lot of that going on. Shooting on people?

SPEAKER_02 20:35

Shooting on people. There you go. That's funny. So I like to like to have fun.

SPEAKER_03 20:45

How uh how can people get a hold of you or or get your book?

SPEAKER_01 20:50

Um, you can get my book for free at my website, or you can go on amazon.com and Google uh Steve Barton and Spencer Barton. And uh that's how to get a paperback version. And you can go into my website and scroll down to the bottom, put your name, address, email address in, and download the book for free, www.steepbartoncoaching.com.

SPEAKER_03 21:18

Excellent Steve, thank you for being on the show this evening. Uh appreciate you.

SPEAKER_02 21:24

Well, I appreciate you, James. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 21:27

So the listening audience, I'll say thank you for the privilege of your time. Thanks for joining us for this episode of the ABC's Parenting Adult Children podcast with Steve Barton. We hope today's conversation encouraged you and gave you practical insight into building stronger, healthier relationships with your adult children. Be sure to check out Steve and Spencer's Steve and Spencer Barton's book, The Father, the Son, and the AHA Munet. And as always, remember you're not alone on this parenting journey. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time on the ABC The Parenting Adult Children podcast. All right, everybody. Talk to you later. Thanks, Steve.

SPEAKER_02 22:06

Be good.

SPEAKER_00 22:09

Please tune in next week for another episode of our podcast on parenting adult children.