Healing Parenting Cycles: How to Break Free from Overwhelm & Build Connection with Your Children

SPEAKER_03 0:00

I work with a lot of moms through coaching because coaching is a lot more I I think it's a lot more intentional in the term of it gives you it gives you a very focused work. So the therapy is more broad in terms of if it's something that is mental health, but with coaching, you really address the root of the issue and you work on that issue, and there's a definite time and space to work through that. So you get I don't want to say like faster results because that sounds like a gimmick, but you really address the root of the problem and you focus on that. You don't spend two years, therapy can be sometimes one year, two years, three years really uncovering issues. Coaching is much more compact and more uh intentional in terms of if you're feeling like you are overreacting or you're reacting in a way you don't want to react with your children, then we can address that issue and we can change that dynamic within a period of 10 weeks.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

There comes a moment in every parent's life when the role they've known for years begins to change. The children they once carried, guided, and protected become adults. And suddenly the questions become different. How do you stay connected without holding on too tightly? How do you continue loving well when relationships become complicated? And while every family is different, no parent should have to navigate these questions alone. Each week, James Moppet brings together experts and parents who have walked this road before to explore the realities of parenting adult children. Through honest conversation and practical wisdom, listeners find hope for the journey ahead. Whether your relationship is thriving, strained, or somewhere in between, there is hope, there is healing, and there is always the possibility of a stronger connection. ABC's of Parenting Adult Children. Helping parents navigate loving their adult sons and daughters well.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

Hello and welcome to ABC's Parenting Adult Children podcast. My name is James Moffat, and I'll be your host. Today we're welcoming Laddie Gonham, a woman who carries a deep heart for overwhelmed moms. Laddie is a trauma-informed conscious parenting coach trained by Dr. Shafleit, and she helps moms who feel stuck in constant battles finally breathe again.

SPEAKER_04 2:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

Through her program Breaking the Power Struggle, she guides parents to uncover the patterns beneath the chaos and rebuilds a home where connection, calm, and healing can actually take root. Laddie, thank you for being here today.

SPEAKER_03 2:51

Thank you so much, James. It's a pleasure to be here with you.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Absolutely. Do me a favor and uh introduce yourself to the listening audience.

SPEAKER_03 2:57

Sure. Well, uh, as James so clearly mentioned, I'm a trauma-informed life and conscious parenting coach. And I have really made it my passion to help moms navigate escalating power struggles and really lead with connection so that they can feel like parenting can stop feeling like a like an emotional battle that they go into every day and leave feeling ashamed, guilty, exhausted. And it's like, why is this happening to me? Why do I feel this way? Why do I keep doing the same things I promised myself I wasn't gonna do? And it's sort of like breaking that cycle and really building the kind of relationship you want to build with your children and with yourself ultimately.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

Right. So that's the professional side of you. Tell us a little bit about you personally.

SPEAKER_03 3:43

Sure things. So I was born in Colombia, so emigrated to the States for college with my parents. I'm the youngest of four girls. So talk about family dynamics right there. So I had my mom and three other moms who constantly had an opinion, or as they would call it, advice on what would be best for me. My father wanted me to go into the medical field. All my three sisters went into the medical field. I went into communications. When I graduated college, he was like, So, where do we find you a job? Like, are you gonna go work at a hotel? And I'm like, no, Dad, I studied public relations. It was hilarious. Till this day, I tell that joke, and people think, so he he didn't really understand what I graduated in, what I really did. So I worked for 15 years in the communications field, uh, advising, you know, C-level executives and really, you know, building that connection. Because at the end of the day, communication is about connecting with different audiences and really managing expectations and and really being, you know, transparent and truthful while being, you know, able to connect. And what I found is that those same patterns that really show up in the corporate world usually end up showing up at the dining room table. And as I was looking to become a mom myself, I was looking for outside help because I had to go through fertility treatments and all that stuff. But I was also feeling, you know, a lot of emotions coming up with that and a lot of feeling stuck and a lot of feeling like I've been doing everything right. Why aren't things like sort of flowing for me? And that's what really led me to become a coach because I wanted to sort of break the patterns for myself so that I could be a better mom the day I hopefully can become a mom. And that's why I help moms today.

SPEAKER_01 5:41

Oh, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_03 5:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

So have you done any TED talks recently?

SPEAKER_03 5:45

No, I wish. I wish. But it's definitely on my bucket list.

SPEAKER_01 5:49

There you go. You'd probably be real good at it.

SPEAKER_03 5:51

Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 5:54

All right. So I I was gonna ask you before we jump into the questions, what really motivated you to dive into the parenting adult children's space? What happened that caused that to come along?

SPEAKER_03 6:06

So I think it's a very difficult moment and a difficult transition for both parents and children. We have nephews and nieces. Like I said, I'm the youngest of four daughters. And my mom was to consider to be like an advanced age. I don't really believe in that anymore. But when she had me, it was like, oh my God, you're in your 50s and you're having a daughter. So my oldest sister is 19 years older than me. So there's always there was always like this disconnect, right? Between uh people would, I would go out with my oldest sister and everybody would say, Oh, she's your mom. And I'm like, no, that's my sister.

SPEAKER_01 6:45

Right.

SPEAKER_03 6:46

She's my oldest sister. And uh so I understand the complexities of what it means for your youngest child to suddenly leave the home or to, you know, or to grow up. And then my mom was very much a mom. That's what I defined her and identified, like that's how she identified. She was a mom above everything else. She didn't travel, she didn't take care of herself. She she took care of her four daughters, and she was very much like a mother hen. So for her, when we grew up, and it was just like her identity really shifted. So I have a deep understanding of how that may feel for parents.

SPEAKER_01 7:29

I got you. Very good. So you say parenting doesn't create our reactions, it exposes them. What does that reveal about what moms are actually carrying beneath the surface?

SPEAKER_03 7:41

So usually when you are growing up in every family dynamic, you develop a certain role. If your father, just to give you an example, if your father was very explosive or your mom was very explosive, you learn to either be very quiet and even tempered and not raise your voice, or you learn to model that behavior. You learn to be like, well, if she's loud, I'm gonna be louder. And if she's this, I'm gonna, you know, if she bangs doors, I'm gonna bang doors and I'm gonna scream right back. So that pattern that you learned in your own family dynamic, when you become a parent, it sort of becomes exposed in a way that you are reenacting. As much as we swear to ourselves that we're never gonna be like our parents, more than once when I'm working with moms, they catch themselves in the middle of a sentence saying, and then I was my mother. Like, and you reenact the same dynamic because that's what you learned. So you sort of mirror that, but then you're like, well, I I don't want to be this way. And that's what I mean when I say that we expose the patterns that we learned as children. We really mimic them when we become parents, and they become even further exposed because the parent-child relationship is one of the most basal relationships that we have. It is, you know, it pushes every single button for both the good and the bad. So when we are at our worst, that's when things really can escalate to the point where we're like, I don't want to be this way, I don't want to react this way. Why am I doing it?

SPEAKER_01 9:22

Yeah, we're we're hardwired to uh emulate our parents because they try they raised us a specific way. And I know that when I became a parent, I was like, I don't want to be like what my father was to me, you know, and how he treated us kids. It's very, it's very difficult. You have to be very intentional. And you not only do you have to say, I don't want to do this, but you've got to reprogram your brain and you have to figure out how do I want to be, what do I need to do? You know, and that's that's why episodes like this are very good because they kind of give uh moms and dads some tools that they can use to reprogram their their thought processes and their emotions.

SPEAKER_03 12:58

For sure. Yes. And like you said, you have to be very intentional. But being intentional, sometimes it takes sometimes people can't get there on their own. And sometimes it means like, why am I reacting on autopilot? Why am I doing this? Well, you have to really break down what is hidden underneath.

SPEAKER_01 13:19

Right. So many moms see themselves as the capable one, the one who holds everything together. How does that identity plus the invisible load quietly fuel guilt, pressure, and burnout?

SPEAKER_03 13:31

Well, I think you just said it. They hold everything together, but they have no way of processing that or really saying, I need help. And in our modern world, a lot of women were taught they can have it all, right? They can be the high-powered executive, they can have a business, they can be professionals, they can have children, they can bring money into the household, they can do it all, and they sort of assume or step into this role, but they don't account for the guilt of, you know, missing the child's soccer practice because they are at a business meeting or traveling for work. And then that all sort of adds up little by little by little, because we become as emotional stuffers. We believe that if we just hold it together and hold it in, we're gonna be able to push through. And we're taught, especially moms that are like very high functioning, they're like, okay, I just need to push through this, push through this. But sooner or later, um, that identity sort of creeps up and says, no, you actually can't have like, can't hold it all together. And you shouldn't hold it all together. You should be able to say, I need help, or this isn't everything, I'm not supposed to carry all of this on my own.

SPEAKER_01 14:53

So you talk about the cycle so many women fall into. What helps, what keeps mom stuck in it, and what's the first step to breaking it?

SPEAKER_03 15:01

So going back to the cycle of of doing everything, right? And being everything for everyone.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

The the guilt, overcompensating, and burnout cycle.

SPEAKER_03 15:10

Yeah. So it's like you feel guilty for not being there, for example. So then you overcompensate and you're like, okay, I'm gonna not, you know, I'm gonna start waking up at five in the morning, and then I'm gonna make sure that the lunchbox is prepared, or I'm gonna call them every morning to make sure that they're going to their college class in the case of, you know, parents that of adult children or children that have already left home. So they are like, well, I wasn't there during their childhood. So I'm gonna make sure that they're um they feel my presence even now that they've left home. So you start like texting them or over-texting them or making sure, did you eat? Did you do this? Did you and it's like it becomes this constant need for quote unquote approval or validation that your kid is okay because you feel guilty that you somehow messed them up or that you weren't there enough. So you're overcompensating, and that actually creates the inverse reaction. The kid actually pulls away more because they feel like you're suffocating me. Um, you know, I am now an adult or I am in college, or I am, you know, you're not, there's no need to do this anymore. You have to validate me as the adult that I am and not as a little kid that actually needs you to ask me whether I had lunch or or whether I went to class or whatever the case may be.

SPEAKER_01 16:37

So let's let's talk about the dynamic uh between the parents and the children. Let's assume that that you have your typical nuclear family, you have the father, you have the mother, you have children, one or fifteen or whatever. And how how do parents catch this early? And and how can dads help the mothers in in negotiating some of this stuff? How can they how can we have a preemptive plan to keep moms from from spiraling into this sort of thing?

SPEAKER_03 17:09

Yeah, so I think the first thing or the first step I would tell every family is awareness. You have to become aware uh of the cycle that you're repeating or of things that you think you should be. Like, first of all, if you think the word should, my kid should be here or I should be. Like the first tip I give every parent is remove the word should from your vocabulary because that only creates like this idea or this figment of expectation versus reality. There's no such such thing as should. It is just what it is the present moment, what you have, the child you actually have in front of you, and the life that you actually have. So if you're not able to make the perfect breakfast or the perfect uh dinner or the perfect family night, that's okay. That that it is what it is. You are working or you're doing this or you're doing that. So the first step I would say to break the cycle for every mom is awareness. Awareness that you are, there's no such thing as perfection. There's no such thing as being there a hundred percent of the time. You just want to build a connected relationship with your child and understand the child you actually have in front of you. And for dads, I think they are equally as responsible in building that same type of connection with their children. I don't think it's actually about helping the mom. It's about what kind of relationship do you want to build with your child? And it's not the burden of the mom to create that, it's also the burden of the dad to create that relationship with their children and really understand what kind of child they have, what kind of relationship they want to build, and what kind of modeling behavior they want to create. So most parents are like the dad is usually the one that's like, well, you have to do great in school. You, I need you to be successful, I want you to do X, Y, C. So is that really because you need that for them, or is it because you want to prove something to yourself? Is that making you feel good as a dad? Like if your child gets A's in school, what is the purpose of that? Um, versus having a child that is, you know, fulfilled or doing something that they really wanted to do. So it's really about attuning to what kind of relationship I want to build. And as you mentioned earlier, being really intentional in creating that relationship so that it is a 50-50 divide and it is something that, you know, a nuclear family, you want to build the same kind of relationship with the children, whether it's a mom-child relationship or a dad-child relationship.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

I think I think many times as we talked earlier about how we're hardwired to parent our children the way we were parented, and we react emotionally the way our parents reacted. And unless we intentionally rewire ourselves and learn a different parenting methodology, then that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna screw up. And and that's okay if we make make mistakes, as long as we're intentional about fixing them, and as long as we're transparent uh and vulnerable and admit when we make mistakes and say, hey, I'm sorry I didn't react correctly that when you did that. And so anyway, I think I think in a lot of ways that I can speak about dads because I am one, but um, I think fathers tend to project their their vision of success onto the to the to the children. And and and it's natural for parents to want the best for their children. Yes. We always we always want our children to have it better than we did. And so what do we do? We we tell them stories of of you know how you know in in a perfect world, in a perfect fathering situation, uh the father would tell stories to their children and say, hey, when I was 16 years old, this is a stupid stunt that I pulled, and here are the consequences of that stupid stunt, right? Correct. That was one of the things that my dad taught me as a child was think about what you're gonna do before you do it. And that's that re resonates with me even at the age of 64. Like think about what you're fixing to do before you do it. Because why? Because you're there's gonna be consequences to that. And I think I think one of the I think one of the one of the ways that parents mess up is that they they project, like if a dad's a if a if the dad's an attorney, he wants to push his child into going to law school. Or if he's a doctor, he wants to push the child to go into pre-med. My dad was a TV man in a little town called Quinlan, Texas, back in the 70s and 80s, and I watched him work a full eight-hour day job and then come home, eat supper, and then go out into his TV shop for you know until midnight, one o'clock in the morning. And I I didn't want that life. And now I understand having had four children of my own, he was paying bills by doing that. He was putting keeping the lights on, putting food on the table, doing whatever he could as a father to to bring income into the household. And there's nothing wrong with that. No. Other other than maybe he was spending more time trying to make money versus trying to be in intentional with his relationship with his kids. And I learned all of that as I became a father, right? And I I learned I didn't do a good job of it. I didn't I didn't know how to translate that. I didn't I knew I knew what he my father did wrong, but I didn't really know how to fix that. Yeah. Anyway. So I think I think I think one of the areas that parents need to get better at is go, like we need to enable our children, we need to empower our children, and we need to give them the tools that they need to be successful. And that picture of success for them may have nothing to do with your your success, may have nothing to do with your picture of success. Correct. You know, and and so I I think that that we should be intentional with our children, we should be intentionally, we should intentionally love our children, we should intentionally forgive our children, we should show them grace and mercy when they screw up, right? That doesn't mean that they we should let them go hog weld and be stupid, correct? Right? But we should we should implement boundaries and and be there as a guiding post and and a a mechanism that keeps them from running their little four-wheel red wagon off the cliff, right? It's okay for them to get it's it's okay for them to get bruised up, it gets it's okay for them to be hurt, it's okay for them to cry and and experience real emotions and all that. But anyway.

SPEAKER_03 23:42

Yeah, I I completely agree with you. It's it's a it's a matter of letting natural consequences take their course, but at the same time being a guiding light and saying, I'm not gonna let you get hurt, or I'm not gonna let you hurt anyone. I'm gonna teach you how to be, how to have healthy boundaries, but I'm not gonna punish you for the sake of punishing you or trying to ingrain something in you that is just not in your future. Like if your child is not good at math and they just hate math, but you're an engineer, you can't expect them to be engineers because they it's not, it's not in them. It's not, you know, it's not a talent. And you know how many children like go to school and graduate from uh because their parents says, this is what I wanted you to study, or or I did it because of my parents. I and then they spent a lot of their life like in a job or in a career that they absolutely hated, but it was what their parent wanted them to study or wanted them to do.

SPEAKER_01 24:45

Right.

SPEAKER_03 24:45

Um, and that that just creates a lot of distance between the parent and the child.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

So when a mom snaps her spirals, what's happening in her nervous system and why is that reaction not a sign? Of failure, but a sign of overload.

SPEAKER_03 24:59

So usually what happens it's your nervous system goes into a neurobiological response called fight or flight. So we hear about this, you know, in survival, but it technically is a way for parents because they feel attacked or embarrassed or ashamed or unable to manage the situation at that point in time. They snap and they snap on what we call autopilot because they're trying to control the situation in some way. And then they feel guilty about snapping because, you know, I just heard a story. One of my very good friends, her daughter fell and hit her head really bad. She opened her, like she cut her head really bad. And she just went ballistic at her daughter. She's like, why do you keep hitting yourself? Why do you keep doing this? I'm trying to keep you safe, and all you do is fall and hit yourself. So she was terrified. Like her reaction came out of utteral fear that her daughter was in danger. But that's not how her daughter interpreted it. She interpreted it as I did something bad, I fell down, and my mom is angry at me. My mom is upset because I fell. So guess what happened? Every time she would fall down, she would hide it from her mom. Or she would pretend like she wasn't hurt and she was okay, even if she was in a lot of pain. And it took a lot of time and repair for both of them to come together and say, you know, it's okay if you fall. But she didn't do it because she was a bad mom or she was trying to make her daughter feel guilty for falling. She did it because she was in literal fear. It's a neurobiological response. So that's why parents do it. They see, they see the attack or the activity as something that is putting them in danger, they react and then they're like, wow, why did I react that way? And that's what keeps them in that cycle of fear and guilt. But there's a way to stop that. Um, and there's a way, because if you get to know, if you learn that this is a neurobiological response, that you are in a fight or flight mode, that you are reacting from that essence of preserving safety of your physical safety or your child's physical safety or your emotional safety, then you're able to curb that through awareness and through practice and through a lot of grace. Because there's no such thing as 100% perfection. We're not trying to be 100% perfect and calm parents all the time because that doesn't exist. But at least it gives you more power and more tools to build the kind of relationship you want.

SPEAKER_01 27:39

So let's say we have a mom that is recognizing all of that. She sees that in herself, but she doesn't know how to fix it. What what would you suggest? I mean, is you would you suggest therapy? Would you suggest uh having going to see a therapist and talking through some of this stuff and getting help to realign how she's reacting to things?

SPEAKER_03 27:59

Well, I mean, I'm always I'm a big advocate of if you feel like it's so overwhelming, mental health is such a big thing. I work with a lot of moms through coaching because coaching is a lot more, I think it's a lot more intentional in the term of it gives you, it gives you a very focused work. So therapy is more broad in terms of if it's something that is mental health. With coaching, you really address the root of the issue and you work on that issue, and there's a definite time and space to work through that. So you get, I don't want to say like faster results because that sounds like a gimmick, but you really address the root of the problem and you focus on that. You don't spend two years, therapy can be sometimes one year, two years, three years really uncovering issues. Coaching is much more compact and more uh intentional in terms of if you're feeling like you are overreacting or you're reacting in a way you don't want to react with your children, then we can address that issue and we can change that dynamic within a period of 10 weeks.

SPEAKER_01 29:06

Okay. So there's a difference between therapy versus coaching.

SPEAKER_03 29:09

Yes. Yes. Therapy is way more drawn out. It really uncovers in coaching, you do explore like childhood wounds, mother wounds, shadow self, all of that stuff. Um, and and you really go into like what is your inner child trying to tell you and why are you reacting that way? But it's like you go into it, you identify it, and you heal it. With therapy, you can spend months and months and months trying to work on the inner child. And there's no, there's no, I mean, a lot of coaches, I personally work a lot in tandem with parents that are seeing a therapist and they want to do coaching. We work in in tandem because again, therapy, if you have anxiety, if you have postpartum depression, if you're going through something, ADHD, and you need therapy, that is great. But if you also want to work on something that says, I want to address this and want I want to change the dynamic with my child, we can definitely do that in a more targeted approach.

SPEAKER_01 30:09

So therapy and coaching are two tools that you can have in your tool chest to be more intentional.

SPEAKER_03 30:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 30:15

That's great.

SPEAKER_03 30:16

Most definitely.

SPEAKER_01 30:17

All right, let's talk about the gap between how we were raised and how we want to parent. We've already kind of touched on this a little bit. Uh moms today are trying to parent differently than they were raised. What lives in that gap and how do you help them navigate it with more compassion and less shame?

SPEAKER_03 30:32

So I think the first thing is to understand that your parents did the best they could, right? With the tools they had at the moment. It's sort of what the story that you were telling me about your dad. He was trying to provide for his family in the best way that he knew how. He didn't know that he was quote unquote hurting you by not spending more time with his children or not being more present. He thought I am doing what a dad is supposed to do. I am providing for my family, and I am working endless nights and until very late into the early morning hours to be able to provide for my children. And so that's my role. My role is to be a provider, and I am fulfilling that role. And that's how he thought he was being a good dad. So the first thing is to really unpack okay, so this is the thing that you don't want to imitate or emulate. But the first thing is to go back to your parents and really understand that they did the best they could and give them the grace and the forgiveness, if case may be, because there are some cases and there was like physical abuse, or, you know, some cases where there was a lot more intricate or trauma stuff that you have to really unpack and really understand that's that's their story and that's how they wanted to race you, but that's not your story anymore. So you forgive that, you really sort of understand it from a pace of grace, and then you sort of reparent yourself and say, okay, now I am able to show up differently for my children because I have the tools or the arsenal to really understand where psychologically I am and where emotionally I am. So psychologically, this happened to me. I've already forgiven it and I've I'm able to see it objectively and not as a then it's happening to me, but it happened to me and I am able to move on from that. And now I can take on a different role and reparent my children in a different way with the same grace and the same compassion, because again, it's not looking for perfection a hundred percent of the time. And I think that's that's the main message that we have to tell parents. It's not about perfection, it's not about being a hundred percent perfect, because that is a utopia that is not unrealistic.

SPEAKER_01 32:57

Absolutely. And I think I think that fathers need to they need to understand that it's important that you be in the life of your child, that you be emotionally present. And you you need to be supportive. And yeah, I mean, uh I'm a baby boomer, and my generation was taught that you know, you become who you are by pulling up your bootstraps and men don't cry and all of this tough guy John Wayne mentality, right? Or Clint East.

SPEAKER_04 33:30

The bravado. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:31

Yeah. And as the as the provider and protector of your family, I mean, that's part of your role. That that is, you know, you are supposed to be a provider. You are supposed to be uh part of being a provider though is providing more than just money, providing more than just a roof over your child's head. Those are important things, right? And we we know in today's society that there are studies out there that show that fatherless children a lot of times their education they fail at fail at school, they wind up getting into gangs, they wind up in prison. A whole host of problems happen when fathers are absent. And and you you don't don't have to be you can be an absentee father even still living under the same roof. If you are if you're the if you're the dad that mom says, Dad's worked hard all day, don't get in his face, leave him alone, we're gonna eat dinner, and he's gonna sit in the recliner and watch TV for four and a half hours with his remote and his beer. Remote in one hand, beer in the other. Let's not disturb the bear, right? Because Father, yeah, father bears worked hard all day. And so many, so many mothers have done that. And and it's like, yeah, dad, it's okay for you to to be a provider when it comes to money and and a roof over their head and transportation and new school clothes every year. But but you have to, as a father, you have to emulate those qualities in your children that you want them to have. Like if how do children learn grace or mercy or or long suffering or temperance, you know, not having a violent temper, not reacting violently. You know, my dad was a rage a holic, you know, and and I need to stay off his radar because if I screwed up, the belt would come out or whatever, you know.

SPEAKER_04 35:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:23

And and so fathers need to realize that that their role emotionally and psychologically and spiritually in their children is very, very critical. It's very important. And you have to you have to be intentional. Like how how do you want your boys to understand what it means to be a good husband, a good father? Well, they learn these things from your behavior and your interactions with your wife. If you if you don't respect your wife and you don't love your wife and and be the husband that she needs, how are you how are your boys gonna turn into young men to understand those things? How are they going how are you gonna model the way you model or don't model those qualities uh in your family are gonna directly affect the outcome of those young men's lives, right? And how many t how many times do we hear young women say, Well, I married my father?

SPEAKER_02 36:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 36:17

Right? That shows you how powerful a father's influence on his daughter is, right? So if do you do you want your daughter to marry a rageholic or an alcoholic or a drug addict or a or a or a three-time loser that can't stay out of prison? What do you want your daughter to find in a mate? Well, you better get to emulating those qualities for her sooner than later, right? And I know that's I know that's a tough message for some men to hear, but they need for you to be emotionally available. They need for you to love them and accept them for who they are and to provide safety for them and provide boundaries that will keep them from killing themselves or others, right? There's nothing wrong with there's nothing wrong with boundaries, and there's nothing wrong with providing for your children, but do it in the correct way.

SPEAKER_03 37:09

Correct.

SPEAKER_01 37:09

So that's my message to guys.

SPEAKER_03 37:12

I love that. And I actually read something a very long time ago and being a daughter myself. Again, my dad had four girls. I read that a girl's first love is her father. So if you think about that, that is very, very powerful. Because the first man we ever love is your dad, right? Actually, little girls, they go through a stage, and this is psychologically proven, where we don't want mom. We actually get jealous of mom. We we don't want mom to kiss daddy, we don't want mom to hold daddy's hand, we want daddy to be all for ourselves. So if you're not present for your daughter in a way and teach her self-respect, love, attention, and how to be, that's the example you're also setting for her and the way she's going to choose a man in her life. And vice versa. If you want your boy to be happy, successful, to be, you know, a good man, you also have to teach him all of that and at the same time to dismiss this whole idea of the macho bravado mentality that you talked about. It's like you want a man to be sensitive enough to be, you know, able to be in tune with his emotions while also being able to say, yeah, I can do this. I can, you know, that whole idea of boys don't cry or man don't do that or man don't do this, that is no longer um, I think that no longer stands in the world that you live today. You want a man who is a yeah, I think you want a man to be able to be in tune with his vulnerabilities and his emotions as much as you want a man to be able to say, Yeah, I can provide for my family, or I can do this, or I can hold it together, as much as you want a woman who says, Yeah, I can hold it together, you know?

SPEAKER_01 39:05

Yeah, I I think there's there's a delicate balance there that uh it's like you know, when you talk about medicine and medical issues and things and and you you think about the human body, about our we're we're just a huge chemistry set, right? When it comes to bi biology, right? And and so every time you go to the doctor uh they wanna they want to take a blood sample. They want to run tests on your blood, you know, they want to they want to look at different characteristics of your your of your blood. And I'm not a medical professional, but but they they look at those things because our the human body is very, very intricate in it and in a huge chemistry set. And you have to they have to find out what's wrong, you know, they have to find out what's out of balance. And it's the same thing with parenting, you know, it's a balancing act. And we're not perfect, we're not gonna be perfect. We're humans, we're all humans, and we're gonna make mistakes, and when we make mistakes, we have to be able to say, hey, I screwed up, I was an asshole, I'm sorry. I didn't I I know that the way I reacted was bad. You know? Yeah. And of course, of course, you can't you can't you can't repeat but repeat those mistakes over and over and over again because after a while you're just a captain asshole and nobody wants to listen to your apologies, right?

SPEAKER_04 40:21

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 40:22

Just apologize for being that way and then go figure out how to fix it, right? And be vulnerable. And because that's all that's all part of family life, and that's all part of children becoming adults and children and it and young young men and young women going out into the world. We all know what a wonderful teacher life is, right? Life doesn't play games. You screw up, life slaps you in the head, and you're like, oh, that hurt. How can I do to how can I do what can I do to change my behavior or my actions so that doesn't happen I don't want to get hurt again, right? And so that's that's the role of parents is we we want to teach our kids, hey, as much as possible, don't be stupid like daddy was when he was 26. You know? Yeah don't make this mistake. Because you can wind up, you can wind up hurt, you can wind up in jail, you wind up in prison or in the morgue. You know, those are extreme examples. But but we want to we want to educate our children, teach them the things that they need to know and equip them as best as possible so that when they fly out of the nest, you know, they don't fly off the cliff, you know, that they land to have a safe as safe safe a landing as possible, right?

SPEAKER_03 41:33

Yeah. So anyway, all right and that they're able to call back home. You know, I think that's also a beautiful like what you build in their formative years, it's also how they're going to react once they've left the nest. So if you're able to be a safe haven, if you're able to teach them how to repair, how to say sorry, how to be good, like good moral, have a good moral compass and having those boundaries, then they're gonna want to come and talk to you once they've left the nest and say, This is my day, this is what's going on, this is what happened to me today at work or XYZ. You know, they're gonna want to come and share because they don't feel like they have to fly away from you. They still want to have that connection with you.

SPEAKER_01 42:21

Right. And that's why it's so vitally important that we have a good relationship with our children through their through their childhood, through their teenage years, through into young adulthood, and and hey, mom and dad, you you have spent 18 to 20 years providing for your children and all of the things that you've done will either equip them or not equip them to face life. You know, and hopefully you have done a fairly good job, and hopefully they're gonna go out on their own or they're gonna make a life of their own that's not going to necessarily include you. You know, they're gonna be who they are, they're gonna have families of their own. And yeah, and if you if you want them to make you a part of their their family, then you have to build that relationship, you have to build that foundation early on. Because if you're just a raging, if you're just a raging alcoholic where you're just an asshole all the time, they're not gonna they're they're gonna like me. I when I I was 16 years old, I I dreamed of the day that I could walk out of the house and be my own man, right?

SPEAKER_02 43:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:26

And make my own decisions and not have to have this going on in the back of my head. Of course, I didn't realize as a child, even as a teenager, I had no clue how good I had it. When I became an adult, I thought being an adult meant that I could be an independent man and make my own decisions. Well, guess what? Part of those decisions were how are you gonna pay your light bill, how are you gonna pay your car note, how are you gonna feed yourself every day? And so I had to I had to learn how to how to how to adult. Adulting sucks.

SPEAKER_04 43:56

Adulting sucks, I agree.

SPEAKER_01 43:58

Adulting sucks. You know, and we have to teach our kids that we have to teach our kids that, you know, you're dreaming of the day where you can go get in your brand new 2026 Ford Mustang and drive down the street and be happy. And and you what you've got to teach them is that you may not be able to afford a 2026 Ford Mustang. You may be on a Ford Pinto, you know, or or something that's some kind of used rattletrap that'll get you from you know point A to point B.

unknown 44:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:26

It may not be that image that you're looking for, but but that's reality, you know.

SPEAKER_04 44:31

That is reality, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:32

Yeah, yeah. And we've got to prepare them for that day. And we have to, you know, provide them with the tools and the encouragement and the the self-will and the drive to do whatever it takes to be successful in their own heads, right? Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_03 44:48

And then the other thing, there's a quote um I read that says, you know, the hardest thing in parenting is is you do a job where you do you want to do it so well that they no longer need you anymore. And I think that's that's sort of it's heartbreaking, right? Because for a parent, like the graduation, the real graduation of a parent is that your child is fully independent, fully capable of caring for themselves. And then what it whatever's left is not need you to be able to feed myself or walk, but I want to have that connection with you because I want to have a relationship with you. I want you to be part of my life. I no longer need you, but I want to have a relationship with you. And I think that's the real graduation for parents. And that's what every parent aspires to. But it is heartbreaking because you're doing like this job. You're teaching them literally everything from how to walk, how to feed themselves, how to dress, how to color. You know, you are doing everything. And then suddenly one day they're like, Yeah, I don't need you anymore. And then what does that do for a parent?

SPEAKER_01 46:03

I've got I got this. Get out of my face, I've got this.

SPEAKER_03 46:07

Exactly.

SPEAKER_04 46:08

I've got this.

unknown 46:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 46:09

I've got this.

SPEAKER_01 46:10

Get out of my face.

SPEAKER_04 46:11

Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:13

So here's something that I hear a lot, and it's, you know, 2026, right? The nuclear family has has changed colors, and and you hear about blended families, and you hear, you know, you God forbid, your child c comes to you one day, they're well, I'll just tell you the story. Like my one day, my my daughter came into the kitchen where Katie and I were cooking hamburger helper or whatever it was we were cooking and talking about our day. And I noticed out of the corner of my eye, half of her head was bald, the other half had full hair and it was purple or blue or some god awful color, right? And I was standing there thinking, Oh shit, what is this? Why are we doing this? Why is she doing this? And I I didn't react, you know. I was I just kind of looked at her and was like, Okay, so that's what we're gonna do. Well, this is what we're doing today. What what what made you decide to do that? You know, and I I think she was trying to get a she was trying to get a rise out of us, right? I have a lot of I have a lot of parenting support groups and I hear I see messages all all the time about kids do wild things or become wild people and you know like you know sons and daughters go to the parents and go, I'm gay. I'm just a I'm I'm gay and you know, I have a boyfriend or I have a girlfriend and and and you know if you're like me, if you're a baby boomer and you're not accustomed to that lifestyle, you know, how do you how do how do you react to that and how do you how do you navigate those waters? I know I'm throwing you a curveball on this, but it's part of it's part of today's life.

SPEAKER_03 47:45

Yeah, no, I think that's a great question. I think the first thing that I would tell any parent in that situation is first you have to sit with yourself and you have to explore how that what that what those words, like if your child comes to you and says, I'm gay, what does that mean for you? And there's a certain grief that comes for parents that are not so open to that lifestyle, or they're uncomfortable with the lifestyle, or it goes against their religious beliefs, it goes against their moral beliefs, and that's valid. I'm not not discrediting any sort of belief system. I just want you to know there is a certain grief that can may come with it, and you have to understand that, and it all goes back to the child you think you should have, right?

SPEAKER_02 48:33

Right.

SPEAKER_03 48:34

I raised my child to be ex-worthy. I thought my daughter was going to marry a thriving young man. They were gonna have three beautiful children, they're gonna live in a house, have the dog, the picket fence, and now your daughter is coming in with purple hair and saying she's gay. Not that your daughter did that, but I'm saying, let's say.

SPEAKER_02 48:54

Sure.

SPEAKER_03 48:54

And you're like, and you're taken aback, yeah. And you're taken aback, and you're like, what did I do wrong? How did I fail as a parent? That's the first thing that parents think. I somehow failed. I somehow, and it has nothing to do with failure. First of all, it could be a face, it could be your child just exploring their own sense of identity or their own sense of self. It could be them trying to individu, individuate. A lot of teenagers do that to be like, well, I'm not gonna conform to my parents' norms. I'm gonna be different, I'm gonna be rebellious. They're trying to sort of exert some sort of agency and like empowerment over their own life and their own body. They may very well want to be sort of like, okay, my mom wanted me to have this perfect life, and she has so much control over me that I'm gonna rebel. It can be so many things, but at the same time, I would advise parents to just sit with how that makes them feel, sort of processes, journaling those emotions. Because I think the more you can process that grief and that understanding that whether they are truly gay or they're just saying that because they want to get a rise over you, whether it's a face or whether it's something that they're that it is true in their being, and that's the life or choice that they want to have for themselves. I think every parent sort of goes through this shock and then come back and understand that your child is your child. No matter whether they choose a lifestyle that is, you know, unconventional or something that is really hard for you to process. I think it's understanding how to learn to love that child that is not fitting into the idea of what you wanted your child to be. And how do you love that child and how do you respect that child's decisions without him, without it thinking like it's a reflection on your own parenting? Because it isn't. It isn't. It's just probably the child just trying to exert some sort of control or agency over their life. And some of them are trying to explore, some of them have been truly gay all of their life, and they just didn't have the willpower to say that until that moment. But it's all sort of finding that process and that family dynamic.

SPEAKER_01 51:14

Well, and we're all different, right? We're all individuals. Yes. We, you know, your your children are gonna going to become who they are, and we can either we can either accept it and try to roll with it.

SPEAKER_04 51:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:27

You don't have to you don't have to agree, you don't have to embrace their values necessarily, but you can allow them to be the adult that they're becoming and and be there as a support system and and and love them and respect them for their identity and and move on. You can't change them. They are who they are. You've done everything you can to shape the person that you would like for them to be. Sometimes it works, a lot of times it doesn't. So it's happening. It's important for you as a parent, like you said, to to navigate those feelings, navigate that grief, that loss that you may be feeling, and understand that that's not on you. That's not on you. That's who they are as an individual, that's their decision. And we have to figure out how to maintain that connection with them so that they will come to us when they need to.

SPEAKER_03 52:20

Correct. And so that it doesn't become like this guilt, this guilt for you, like that you suddenly feel like you messed them up.

SPEAKER_01 52:30

Right. Sometimes that is the case. Sometimes parents do mess their children up. I would hope that I would hope not as often as we would think, but anyhow. So this has been a wonderful conversation, Laddie. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your your expertise and thank you for talking to moms and dads and kind of helping them navigate the the waters of life, I guess you could say, and family living.

SPEAKER_04 52:55

Yes, thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 52:57

Yeah, absolutely. So to the listening audience, I want to say thank you for the privilege of your time. Thank you for listening. If today's conversation hit home or resonates with you, if you've heard your own patterns, your own pressure, your own exhaustion, don't just walk away with awareness. Take the next step towards change. Connect with Laddie at livingprogress.com. That's livingprogress.com, underscore progress, and start learning the tools that can break these cycles for good. You don't have to keep parenting from guilt, burnout, or old conditioning. There is a better way, and you deserve support on that journey. Thank you for listening. This episode encouraged you, share it with another mom who needs to hear she's not alone. And remember, healing your reactions is possible, and it starts with choosing to do this work on purpose. You can you can reach out to me at talkpac at proton.me. That's talkpac at proton.me. You can go to our website at parentingadultchildren.org. That's parentingadultchildren.org, and you can see you can watch episodes, podcast episodes. You can go to my YouTube channel, which is parenting adult children, on YouTube, and I put the video episodes online so you can actually see us talking. And you can listen to the if you go to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Public Radio, there's like 15 or 20 podcast uh hosts uh that you can host your podcast on that you can listen to while you're driving down the street or taking your kids to soccer or what have you. Laddie, thank you for being here and for everybody that's been here listening or watching. I appreciate you. Keep doing the good work that you're doing with your families. Talk to you later.

SPEAKER_04 54:39

Thank you. Bye bye. Bye bye.