Parenting Through The Lens of Faith with Robert Bass

James Moffitt (00:04.622)
Hello and welcome to ABC's of Parenting Adult Children. My name is James Moffitt and I'll be your host. Today's guest is Robert Bass. Hey Robert, how are you doing? Doing great. Excited for our conversation today. Yeah. I'm so excited that you're here. And thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to be with us and go ahead and introduce yourself to the listening audience. Yeah. So I've...

Got a great wealth of experience, used to be a mechanic, was a tennis athlete growing up, written books, kind of done a lot. God's had me on an amazing journey. I'm married and got a 15 year old. And so currently a pastor at a church near Jacksonville, Florida. So, so thankful for all that God's done in my life and every season. big is your church?

Well, nowadays, not everybody goes to church every Sunday. So that's a, that's a fun question to answer. And so we have several hundred that come on a Sunday. Good, good, good. I remember.

I was raised in the 70s and 80s, right? And I didn't become an adult until like 79 and 80. And I remember how there used to be a church on every corner. in the South, there is really a church on every corner. But I also remember seeing some churches being converted into golf courses and stuff like that. And I always thought that was kind of sad because I think in the day and age that we live in,

not everybody does go to church, you know, and I think that maybe that's a bygone era where church and church attendance in faith was just part of the family life. It was just kind of a given thing. anyway, so talk to us about faith and parenting. Yeah, for me as a pastor, faith and parenting kind of go hand in hand. I see them

James Moffitt (02:18.382)
as one because I'm a big believer in just following God's guidance. I believe God created the entire world so he knows what is good and he knows the order of things and how they should be. And so, you know, a lot of people call God a father, their heavenly father. Even Jesus in the Bible referred to God as our heavenly father. And so I believe that God is relational and that he loves us and that he's a good father.

And that he's here to help us parent, whether we're new parents or experienced parents. and so we kind of got God to model what parenting is supposed to be like to us. And so as God loves us and shows us grace and mercy and all those things, we get to kind of model that. And so, no matter where you're at in your parenting, you're not alone. Right. So talk to me about, how you and your, your wife met.

Yeah, it's a great, great story. So my wife is from this area. I'm originally from Mississippi. So Mississippi boy who came to Florida and I used to work on cars for a living, worked for Mercedes for eight years. I was a master mechanic and around that time is when kind of my life turned around and I devoted my life to God. Got into a motorcycle accident, had learned to walk again.

And that, really shook me. shook my world, shook my life. And, it was around that time that I met my wife. she was also working for Mercedes and, that's how we met and we got connected and now we've been married for seven years. that's awesome. Yeah. so talk about the, talk about the, how many kids do you have? Have one. One. Okay. So you've just begun.

Your, your, your parenting story has really just begun, right? Yeah. Yeah. We were, we've been married almost 35 years and have four kids and are all grown and gone. And now we're empty nesters, AKA we have two dogs and two cats. So we're really not empty nesters as much as I would like to say we are. But anyway, so yeah. so the baby came along and, you had this new bundle of joy and,

James Moffitt (04:39.34)
It's kind of like the gift that never stops giving. And, it keeps you awake all hours of the night. I, I still remember, some of the challenges, the teething, the screaming, the crying hours on end, not knowing, you know, what in the way you're like, what in the world am I supposed to do with you? I mean, I've, I've wrapped you up in a blanket. fed you multiple bottles. I've burped you. I've run, you know, walked around the room and putting you, put you in the car seat and drove you down the street and you still won't go to sleep.

So as you transition from your marriage relationship into being parents, how did that work? Yeah, glad you bring that up. So this is part of my testimony and just part of what God does for redeeming things. So my son at this time is 15. He is a teenager. And so part of our testimony as a family is my wife was previously married

And her husband died in a motorcycle accident. So if you remember me sharing, was in a motorcycle accident and by God's grace, I am still here and walking today. But unfortunately he didn't make it. And so our son is with her previous marriage. And so I met them when he was four years old. So I missed a lot of those diaper years that you were just mentioning and all those fun sleepless nights that so many people talk about.

But, so I met them when he was younger. And so part of the beautiful story that God has redeemed in our life is, you know, I'm his dad and I've been in his life since he was young. And he looks to me as a father figure and a dad and cause I'm active in his life. And so it's amazing how God redeems stories in the middle of tragedy and in the middle of setbacks.

And so, even though we've been married seven years, we fast tracked a little bit and, now have, have a teenager that, that he's my son and I'm thankful for them. And, we have a great relationship that's growing as much as we can as a teenager. And so it's just amazing. Those are challenging times. I, I, as I told you earlier, or last week, guess, my wife and I started the Facebook,

James Moffitt (07:05.506)
parenting support group in 2015. And at that time we had two teenagers living in our house and they were giving me a run for my money. And I was doing everything I could to stay out of prison. need a boyfriend or any of that. And so I told my wife, said, hey, let's start up a parenting support group on Facebook and see if there's anybody else that has this issue.

And we started out with 10 members and now we're at like 1.3 thousand. And man, there's a lot of struggling parents out there that have, you know, probably from the age of 12 into 40, you know, all kind of all ranges of ages and all different types of situations and, you know, dealing with addictions and all kinds of problems.

So that's kind of our audience as parents of adult children. I think one of the topics that I want to, not necessarily during this podcast, but one of the topics that I want to dig into is single parenting. You know, moms or dads that are being the mom and dad all wrapped up in the one and having to fill both sets of shoes and the different roles and all that entails.

I know that you have opportunity to talk to folks at your church that are married and have marriage relationships and have kids and you probably have heard or seen different types of situations that they're walking through. I would invite you to share one or two of those stories.

I think first it's helpful for those listening just to know like even as a pastor, you know, we're not perfect in parenting. And so we have to give ourselves grace as parents to understand that like we're learning, we need to give ourselves grace. need to give our kids grace more. And this has really helped me, you know, just because my son is a pastor's kid doesn't mean he's better than any other kid or he's going to act any better. And so I've had to learn.

James Moffitt (09:30.638)
As someone who is helping other people and in leading in capacities that I'm not meant to always have the answer and in a lot of times I don't and I'm learning and having to figure things out we have one kid and So we're learning as we're going and and that has really helped me Remove some weight and burden. It's like, know what very few parents have it figured out and have it perfect Even when you have experience, right every kid's different with different personalities different experiences

So it's very helpful for us to first realize and to give ourselves a little freedom and grace. It's like, hey, nobody's perfect. And that's helped me a lot in even as I've helped other parents walk through things and I've sat in offices across with parents that are just like devastated. Like, what do I do? I'm at my end, you know? And I'm like, hey, you're not perfect. The kid's not perfect. So we got two perfect people, imperfect people trying to figure this out.

Right? I mean, this is just a tough recipe. And so, right there, just allowing ourselves to breathe, have some grace, and just know that, this is a journey that we've got to go along has been really helpful in those conversations. Right. Yeah. And I think another thing we have to realize is that we are responsible to God for how we raise our children.

But at some point our children have to take ownership of who they are and where they're going in life and owning their mistakes and learning from their mistakes, you know, and things like that. And so many times I hear parents trying to take ownership of their mistakes. Well, what did I do wrong? What should I have taught them differently? Did we not raise them correctly? know, parents...

Sometimes they blame themselves for what's going on. And who knows? We're not perfect parents. We don't have all the answers. yeah, maybe our kids suffer some consequences from some of the bad stuff in our lives and some of the bad modeling. If we have this problem, that problem, or an addiction, or know.

James Moffitt (11:53.516)
bad marriage relationship or there's any combination of things that could go on that could affect the environment that the family is in, right? So all you can do at that point is just identify what the problem is. Go, hey, I'm not a perfect parent. I need to work on this in my life. Apologize to the kids and say, hey, you know, I know that I've screwed up in this area and, and I'm going to try to do better. I'm going to try to get help, you know, and just go from there, I guess. Yeah.

And you said something, you know, just a second ago about identity. One of the things when I talked to parents that I've found is it's easy to wrap your identity, your purpose, your calling into being a parent. Right. And you see your kid make a mistake or even success, right? You want your kid to be successful, but it's so easy for you to wrap your purpose and identity in their success. Or when they fail, you feel like you're a failure or you feel like you failed them as a

So this is a perspective shift that I have to walk. Many parents, including myself, I've had to walk through this, is my identity, my purpose, my calling is not first in being a parent. Absolutely it is, right? If God gifted you with a child, that's part of your calling. But first I have to understand that, well, my relationship with God comes first and my relationship with my wife or spouse should come first.

Because think about this, who existed first? The couple. The couple existed first and then the child comes. And so even when you look in the Bible, right, what come first? God was first, he created Adam in the garden, so the relationship with God and Adam was first. And I believe if we model that as Christians, where my relationship with God should come first, I should seek him for wisdom and guidance and all these other things first, then my relationship with my spouse,

has come into place. And there's so many tips and strategies to help with this, but just understanding that, me and my wife actually come first. That will change your life, right? That will shift your timetable. And all of the things that you catch yourself busy doing is, well, if you're not having date nights with your spouse, if you're not having an intentional time with your spouse, then your kids are coming first.

James Moffitt (14:15.948)
And what happens when kids come first is now all your success and your hope and your identity and your purpose begins to get wrapped up in your kids who guess what? We just talked about are not perfect people and they're learning and they're gonna make mistakes and they've got a lot to figure out just like we do even as parents. And so to put our hope and all of our desire in our kid being successful is kind of a lot of pressure to put on a kid and not fair to them and it creates a lot of disorder.

in our life that, this is why a lot of parents end up in my office and me helping them walk through stuff is because they put their kid first and now their wife and spouse are having problems or there's tension in the family, right? And the kids are ruling things and controlling the environment. And so that's been really helpful for people to begin to process that shift.

I one of the things that not just parents but everybody in general, think a lot of times we latch onto things for our happiness, right? So as a parent, if your kid's happy, then you're happy, right? Yeah. Unfortunately, some of the things that make your child happy shouldn't make you happy, right? Because they're identifying with...

bad things or things that are going to lead them astray or know, whatever, social media, drinking drugs, know, hanging out with the wrong people, blah, blah, blah. And I think that another thing, another thought I just had was that

Sometimes family tension and parents dealing with all the consequences and a negativity of bad mistakes and bad decisions sometimes can become a catalyst to actually attack and destroy your marriage relationship. Yep. Right? Because kids will pitch you one against the other and they will try to go, well, dad said that I could go to the

James Moffitt (16:20.556)
mall and so mom are you going to let me go to the mall because dad said I could and or or vice versa you know and depending on the age of the child they learn pretty quickly you know how to how to take advantage of family dynamics right yep

And you begin to see those things come out in the family and so you have a choice right am I gonna let the kid rule things or it me is me my spouse gonna have to have side conversations and It does take more work and it does say hey, let's talk this through before we make a decision Hey, we're write wait on that before we move forward so we can have a Spouse meeting or conversation about it and maybe even a family meeting

And so it's as harsh as it may sound, you know, my son knows he doesn't come first and, it's not that we don't love them and get him things and want the best for him. But you know, one day he's going to move out one day, he's going to be gone. He's going to have his own life and I want him to successful and I want him to do the best that he possibly can. So when he leaves, guess what? It's me and my wife. We're the ones left. And that's a lot of the season that some parents face.

Is when the children move out, it's like, now what? They don't even recognize the person sitting across the table from them. Sometimes they lose their, they lose their identity. Absolutely. Yeah. The identity walks out the door. It does. Yeah. It does. And that's really hard. So even if someone's at that place though, you have a choice, right? Okay. I, I can't keep my identity in them. I have to release them. I have to let them go.

and allow them to be the best person that they could be and focus on the relationship that you have with your spouse. So, other, I have a whole list of recurring topics that come across, are spoken about or come up in our Facebook parenting support group and even on the podcast. One of those is self-care, marriage relationships and boundaries.

James Moffitt (18:36.29)
You know, and we're talking about self-care. Self-care comes into play for both parents individually, but it also comes into play for the marriage relationship and for the couple themselves. you talked about, you know, it's important to have a date night, you know, get a babysitter, you know, have somebody from church come over, have a friend, whoever you trust to watch the kiddos while y'all go out on a date night and have time to get re-centered.

and enjoy one another, right? Yep. There's a really good book by Dr. Henry Cloud called Boundaries, and they've got boundaries for kids, boundaries for the individual and for marriages, and that is a great book to help you understand boundaries are good. Sometimes the word boundary can be a bad thing, like, I've got to set up these guardrails, but to have boundaries is very healthy, right? There's things that we have to say no to.

for the health of us, the health of relationships. And so that's a really important concept for us to understand. Boundaries is a good word. And that is used in any relationship or business. It's like, these are the things we don't do. So we can say yes to certain things. So when you begin to read that book or do your research,

You have to ask yourself as an individual and as a family, what are some things that we need to start saying no to in order for us to say yes to these things? And I've had to answer these questions in my own life. One of the things that I had to do is first for me, I rest on Saturday, which is what we call the Sabbath. And it's a day of rest for me. And my family knows that

Well, I'm gonna sleep in on a Saturday and get some extra rest, but they also know that, I'm available on that day. If they want to do something or we have family activities planned, we're gonna plan it on a Saturday. Now during the week, super busy going out, doing activities. I'm not always around during the week and I'm not always available. But on a Saturday, my family knows I'm available. And I think your spouse needs to know when are they available for conversations, for catch-ups, for touch base.

James Moffitt (20:57.431)
We're all busy, but where are the boundaries we've created so our family and the people around us know when they can connect with us? Right. So one of the conversations or I guess we could call it a complaint on our Facebook support group is there'll be stories where – and it's typically moms. It's mostly moms, I think, that do the…

that come in and looking for support. So they'll say, they'll, they'll say, Hey, I've got an 18, 19, 20, 21 year old daughter, son living with us. You know, they may or may not have launched and tried to go out into the world, you know, to make it on their own. And then a lot of times, because things are so expensive in the world we live in, sometimes they launch and then they fail and they wind up back at the house. Right. And so one of the things that, that, um,

I tell people is that between the age of one and 17, you're a parent. You have a parent-child relationship. You're in that child's life to provide guidance and direction, and you're real hands-on with them, right? And the older they start getting, then the parent has to transition like when they're 18, 19 years old and they're legally an adult. At that point, you...

you still have a parent-child relationship, but you're more of a mentor than you are a parent-child relationship. Because at that point in their life, should have their values, they should have their morals, should have your... all the things that you've been teaching them, they should have that already. And they should have, hopefully, the skills they need to be productive members of society, right? And absolutely good members of the family.

family unit. They should be productive and willing to contribute to the well-being of the family. That may take the shape of chores, responsibilities, whatever that is, whatever boundaries are set up to encapsulate that. Then we have an expectation as parents as the child turns into a young adult, and they're moving into adulthood and eventually kicking them out of the nest.

James Moffitt (23:22.645)
You know, and so I'll hear parents talking about a situation where a child has come back to the nest because they need to because they need they'd be living on the side of the street somewhere. And obviously, parents don't want to see their children living in a tent city somewhere. Right. And so we bring them back into the house and go, OK, you know, we know how difficult life is. You know, we've been there. We've done that. We're here for you. We're still a family unit. How can we help you?

you know, and obviously room and board food, things like that come into play. but even then, we still expect the young adult to, to help out around the house and to, and to contribute to the wellbeing of the family. And I hear so many times where, the young adult, you know, builds a wall around themselves and goes, Hey, I'm an adult. You can't tell me what to do anymore.

You you, you parents have expectation that the young adult will clean, you know, at very minimum clean the room, help out with taking out the trash or help clean up the dishes off the supper table or just whatever, know, however, however, all of that comes to be or what that definition of that family environment is. Uh, I hear so many times that, you know, basically the kids are going, yeah, no, I'm not doing that anymore.

You know, and the parents are like, and this is kind of like a segue into failure to launch, right? And so the young adult becomes dependent on the parents for a roof over their head and food to eat, right? And maybe even transportation. If they don't have a good job or if they don't have a job and they can't make, you know, a car payment, can't pay insurance, whatever, then they may be depending on the...

dependent upon the mom or dad to provide them transportation to their job or to college or to wherever. so parents try to set up boundaries and go, okay, well, you can stay here as long as you do A, B, and C. There are reasonable expectations. Like my younger daughter, no, my older daughter, my daughter.

James Moffitt (25:47.159)
She's 32. Uh, she moved back to the house and one of my expectations was that, Hey, at 11 o'clock at night, I'm going to lock the door and I'm going to turn the alarm system on. And if you're going to be out for the night, don't come home. Don't wake me up at two o'clock in the morning. Cause I don't want to shoot you. I don't want to get scared and startled and wind up killing, you know, one of my own children, you know, and, obviously nothing that extreme, but I wanted to let them know that,

My wife, you know, your mother and I go to work at eight o'clock in the morning. And so we're going to walk the house down at 11 and we're going to go to bed and go to sleep. And you're a young adult. And if you, if you're not here by 10 45, 11 o'clock, then you need to know that you got to spend the night somewhere else. Right. And, so parents have expectations of their children, young adults to, to abide by those boundaries. Right. And so the struggle I hear a lot of times is, is what do I do?

You know, they're not, they're not doing what I've asked them to do. I've been reasonable with them. I've helped them all I can. And, you know, do I evict them? Do I kick them out on the street and let them live in a tent city? You know, and that's a, that's a very, very, that's a very difficult situation. Yeah, it really is. And I think it's a situation that takes a council, right? And so if, if those listening are in a situation like this and you don't have a.

whether it's a therapist or someone in your life that can help you process these decisions, then you need someone, right? Don't make these decisions in isolation, make decisions as a couple. But for me, I'll answer the question again, based off my faith in God and my hope being in Jesus is a lot of times as parents, we want to help our kids, but we end up protecting them too much and sometimes even enabling.

And what I've encouraged parents to is you have to be careful not to get in the way of God. So, so what I mean by that is like our goal is as a Christian parent is that my child would have a relationship with God, not a relationship with God through me and that I am their God. Right. And as a parent, you, especially if you're a believer is, is you have to ask yourself some hard questions. Am I being God for my child?

James Moffitt (28:12.959)
Am I being their savior? I saving the day for my child or am I really equipping them to be an adult and for their future? Another question that I ask parents again, these are some hard questions that you really got to ask yourself, but a lot of parents will let their kid back into their home because it makes the parent feel good. Cause again, their identities in their child. And so if the child is hurting or the child is suffering, you know,

Every good parent doesn't want their child to suffer, but sometimes that hurts us so much that we're willing to sacrifice to extremes instead of equipping our child. And so we get to a point where, yeah, we've just enabled it for so long. And well, I mean, if someone's going to raise their hand and pay all my bills, I'm going let them, you know, if I don't have to pay rent over for my own house, I will let someone pay my rent. You know what I mean? Even as an adult.

And so we have to understand that sometimes we can actually be causing a child harm. Sometimes again, this takes counsel. This takes wisdom. This takes discernment, but sometimes we can create our child's own problems. And so we have to be careful. We have to be honest with ourselves first. Hey, did I cause this? Have I enabled this? Have I created a scenario, a perfect environment?

for my child where like they have no motivation because well, I've done it all. You know, I've been there, I pay the bills, I do all this. Well, I mean, I wouldn't leave either. Someone provided for me in all of these ways. Why would I leave? Hey, I love to go home to visit my parents because my mom cooks for me and I don't have to cook and she cleans the dishes. I mean, that is fantastic. But I also realized I got to go home one day and I to go back to my house and I got to do all those things. And so I think counsel,

Number one is really why get some people in your life that can help you process these decisions and be honest with yourself about this situation and how you got there and about the next thing that you should be doing. Yeah. You said something real key there, you know, the word enable. We have to be, we have to be careful that we don't enable bad behavior. Right. And I mean,

James Moffitt (30:36.843)
You know, I left home when I was 18, 19 years old. I had a bad childhood. My dad was a drill sergeant for 26 years. My mother, I was with my sister and I were adopted. My mother was Austrian of descent and they were both strict, authoritative figures in our lives. And, and they just, they just stifled us and, and just smothered us with authority and do this, do that just constantly interface.

And so when I turned 18, I was like, I am out of here. You know, I want to go live my own life. And one of the things I had to learn as a young man was that, Oh, wow. Wow. You know, my mom and dad are not as out of touch as I thought they were, you know, and I had to learn budgeting, financial literacy, I had to learn how to pay my bills on time or the electricity would get cut off or I'd be good. If I didn't pay my rent on time, I'd get kicked out of the house or the apartment. And there were just so many lessons that I had to learn the hard way.

right? The school of hard knocks. And I think as parents, we don't want our children to go through the school of hard knocks. And we, do everything in our power to say, Hey, you know, I set my kids down when even when they were teenagers and said, okay, now tell them stories. And I say, this is, this is some of the stupid crap I did when I was your, you know, little bit older than you. And these are the consequences that I had to live through because of making bad decisions, you know? And you're like, you're like, you tell your kids,

before you react and before you make a decision, think about it. Think about the pros and the cons. Come talk to us. Come tell us what's going on in your life. You know, and if you want to know what we think, then we can give you some guidance. think about what you're doing before you do it, you know, and, you know, it's it's, it's a tough, it's a tough predicament for some parents to

to evict their kids out of their house. at some point, you can only do so much. And it's like you said, at some point, you're going to cross that boundary into an enablement. You're enabling your child, and you're keeping them. You're enabling their bad behavior and bad decision making. And you're keeping them from learning the lessons that they really need to be learning on their own. And how many times? I picked up a phone back.

James Moffitt (33:03.733)
back way back when, when there were still, pay phones. remember going to a gas station. I was 23, 24 years old. I picked up a pay phone and called my parents. We still didn't see eye to eye. didn't get along. I think they loved me. I'm not sure. it was a love hate relationship at best. And, but I told my dad, I said, you know, you're not an idiot. I'm the idiot, you know, and some of the things that she told me when I was growing up. Wow.

You're, you're on target. You're right. You know that I had eat a huge chunk of humble pie to do all that. But, you know, I learned at some point I was like, wow. Yeah. I remember them talking about this, you know, and our, and our, our, our, our teenagers and young adults. I think every generation goes through this to where you tell your kids stories. You try to, you try to pass wisdom to them.

so they, they don't make the same mistakes you did. And what do they do? Nine times out of 10, they turn around and do it anyway, you know, cause they, they've got to live it. They got to live through it to, actually.

to learn what they need to learn. Yeah, and that's hard as a parent. You can't protect your kid from pain. You can't protect them from mistakes. That's just, it's impossible. It's an impossible task. Right, right. And that is a scary thing to think about your kid being homeless or, or, you know, living in an unsafe environment. But as a parent, you can help them not live in those scenarios. You can set them up for success and help them, you know,

as a young bird fly and as they fall, pick them up, you help them again. But that looks different for every family. mean, I've got a brother and sister and they've had completely different journeys than me. So every kid's different. Every situation is different that needs wisdom and guidance on it. And, but part of love is discipline. Right. And we have to know that. Like if I truly love someone, well, that that's being truthful with them.

James Moffitt (35:13.975)
And sometimes love can feel like pain. Sometimes it can, but it's not. There's a difference between the wrong kind of pain and then love as a discipline. Right. So what else can we talk about? Yeah, I think for me, I don't know why, that word love just really stands out, you know?

Love can look a lot of different ways in the world that we live in Love is defined by a feeling by an emotion that comes and goes that's fleeting But for me, I depend on you know God's word for love first Corinthians 13 kind of defines love and Sets out that definition and it talks about love is patient. Love is kind. Love is forgiving love protects and there's all these definitions and depth of love that I want to encourage people to begin to dive into because

It's so easy for us to want to define love on our own. And so as a parent, I can say, I love my kid if, and then you fill in the blank. Right. And what happens if we don't, if we don't have a, a boundary of love, if we don't have a definition of love that is guiding us, then I'm going to define as a parent, as an individual, what love looks like. And if everybody in this world is coming up with their own definition of love,

then that's super hard. And so even though you may be letting your kid do this or do that or stay here or go there, you could be defining love one way, but your kid could be defining love completely different. So, you know, there's a really good book out there called the five love languages. And it talks about the different kinds of people, ways people accept love, right? Physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, all those different things. Well, I think that's good for every parent and kid to know.

what their default of love is because a lot of times, again, we as parents think, I'm loving my kid or I'm being a loving person. But in fact, your kid could not think that you're being loving at all, you know? And so that's a really important thing for us to challenge ourselves with is how am I viewing love? And does my family, does my child in this situation, are they viewing it

James Moffitt (37:40.267)
the same and as you know, I'll just say I'm a younger married person compared to you and maybe others listening, but that's something I had to realize when I first got married is mine is acts of service. And so I love it when someone does something for me, when my wife cooks for me or cleans or does something for me. I love that. I think it's fantastic. But my wife's love language is quality time. She just wants to sit on the couch next to me.

And I can't stand that. I want to go do something and I want to go do something for her. So I first thought when we got married that doing the dishes was going to show her that I loved her because that's my love language. That's the way I want to be loved. But she's over here like, why is he doing the dishes? I want him to come sit on the couch with me. And so there was this tension we had to walk through for a while where she wasn't feeling loved because I'm doing something that she doesn't even care anything about. So just under this one concept of love,

I believe it's a really big concept for us. I mean, we probably talk about it on whole other podcast, but just this one subject of love is challenging yourself to understand these things when your spouse and your kid would really help people a lot. Relationships can be a little bit complicated at times for sure. and active listening comes in real handy. You know, a lot of times, a lot of times we don't practice active listening. A lot of times we

active, we do passive listening and while we're listening to the other person talk, and I'm kind of guilty of this as a podcast host because when you're talking, I'm looking for clues and looking for other subject matter to talk about, right? And so I'm kind of doing passive listening myself, but when you do active listening, you're actually not thinking about anything and you stop and you listen to what the other person's really saying, you know, and then after they're through talking, you can go,

Okay, now let me see if I understand this. And you repeat it to him the way you understand it. And you've seen studies done where one person will tell one person a story. That person turns around and tells another person a story. Well, by the time they get to the fifth or the sixth person, this story is nowhere near what it was when they started out to begin with, right? So, in marriage relationships especially, there needs to be a lot of active listening, there needs to be a lot of forgiveness, the ability to say, I'm sorry.

James Moffitt (40:08.52)
admit our mistakes and all that kind of good stuff. Yeah, it's tough. It really is. I think one of the greatest qualities that probably takes a lot of work at is that humility. It's just admitting, like we talked about at the beginning, you know what? I need grace. I'm going to mess up. There's going be moments where I get angry or frustrated or I've had a hard day and I say things I shouldn't say and do things I shouldn't do.

And apologizing for those mistakes, changing your ways. Like, know what? messed that up, but next time I'm going to respond better. You know, next time I'm going to improve this and not respond that way. I think that is a, that's a big key to being a successful parent is, is growing and changing. Uh, because my parents have had to change the way that they've been there for me, even as an adult, like for me as adult, my parents are there for me in completely different ways. Like you are now with your children.

Right? You're there for them in completely different ways than you were. Right. And so you have to change as a parent. You're constantly changing and adapting and just showing yourself grace because you're a human being too. Right. So what about families that are that are facing addictions?

James Moffitt (41:28.532)
Yeah, addictions are tough. For me, addictions, and I'm trying not to oversimplify this because this is a very complicated subject because there's a lot of reasons why people get into addictions. It's something our parents face a lot though. Yeah, it really is. And if we're honest with ourselves as adults, it's easy to get into addictions ourselves.

and habits we just as adults mask it better. know, whether it's food, I know a lot of people that are addicted to food, comfort food, right? We don't want to look at it, right, as an addiction, binge watching, TV, media. I mean, as adults, if we're honest with ourselves, we've just gotten creative on how to mask our addictions, you know? Some people will tell me, I just go out after work for a drink, just to relax. Okay, that's fine. But you know, it's not fine.

because that's an easy way to fall into addictions and habits and all these other things. So complicated question, but for me as a pastor and as someone who really trusts God, I have to always go back to the drawing board and saying, is this best for me? Is this my best version that's possible? is binge watching this, is eating this, is taking this substance, is this helping me?

be the best version of me that God has for my life? And nine times out of 10, that answers no. That what we're doing, what we're facing is just, it's not good for us. And until someone gets that revelation, it's going to be hard for them to change. Until they desire change in their life, it's super hard for them. And so as a parent, you want the best for your child. And so as a parent,

My recommendation is model it well. know, if, if look at your own life, look at the addictions and the habits and the routines that you have in your own life and say, Hey, is this good for me? Do I need to be doing this? Challenge yourself to be better, for your children and, and, and, and, and grow. And again, I know we want to fix people, especially as men, we love to fix things. It's in our DNA to fix stuff. Right.

James Moffitt (43:53.728)
to be there, to fix problems, to overcome. It's just kind of how God's wired us. But first we have to look at ourself and say, what can I fix inside of me? How can I improve? there's a scripture in the Bible that says, don't look at the plank in someone else's eye, look at the plank in your own eye. And so I may identify that someone else has a worse addiction than me, but that's just me kind of judging them.

instead of me saying, okay, how can I improve? What are areas in my life that I could do or I could be better at that could show them how to overcome, right? As a parent, we wanna model things well for our children. So I can't fix them, I can't make decisions for them, they have to live their life, but you know what I can do as a parent? I can model things well.

James Moffitt (44:47.698)
So there are parents that are trying to balance. You have a young adult living in your house. It's your child, daughter, son, whatever. And they've made some bad decisions. They're addicted to drugs, addicted to alcohol, whatever it is. They may have done some jail time, consequences of bad behavior, bad decisions. And so they're

living in their house again and they need a place to stay for obvious reasons. And so it's a balancing act for them to not enable bad behavior, right? And, you know,

A lot of times people that are in addictions and like you said, it's a complicated subject. but there, there is a balancing act for the parent to know when it, is enough is enough, right? Because it's like, it's like a road. It's like a revolving door. Like you, you, you screw up, you want him in jail, you're on the streets, I'm breaking back in. You promise that you're going to do better. We provide you with everything that you need. And then you just relapse and continue doing the same.

stupid thing over and over again. what, you know, and I don't expect you to have the answer for this, but, one of the things that I think our parents struggle with is knowing when to help and when not to help, know? Yeah. And they're complicated questions that need counsel that need, you know, people in our life that can help us process this from an outsider perspective. This is why it's good to

Being a community of people, I love that you all have a Facebook group. mean, just the fact that people are asking these questions and that can develop a community of people that can encourage them, sometimes pray for them, give good advice, connect them with counselors and therapists that can help them process this in healthy ways. These are all just core things that are needed in order to make the best decision. what, to maybe free some parents up right now,

James Moffitt (46:58.752)
A decision you made maybe six months ago may have been good six months ago, but may not be good now So so we have to constantly evaluate how we're looking at situations how we're handling things So whatever whatever that decision may be we have to seek help seek guidance on it and and Understand that like there never is a one-size-fits-all answer, right?

Even though the answer may be good in one season, it may not be good in another season. And back to what we talked about earlier is as a parent, you got to ask yourself hard questions. Am I trying to save them? Am I trying to be the savior for my child? And if that answer is yes, well, you some work to do. You know, you can't save your child. That's not, that's not your job as a parent to save your child. And that's hard. What I just said is hard. That, that, that is something that

I'm not going to pretend it's easy, something easy to process, but you you're there for them as much as you can. But for me, I trust God. For me, God is more powerful than any addiction, than any struggle, than any sin. For me, Jesus conquered sin. He conquered death. The worst possible thing that can happen. He conquered that and gave us hope for eternal life. So I believe all things are possible with God. So for me,

When I know someone that has an addiction, I pray that God heals it, that he heals their mind, that he frees them from that struggle that they have, that they don't struggle with that. And so for me, I'm like, God, what do you want me to do about it? God, give me wisdom. I meet with counselors. I have people in my life that pour into me, that teach me things that I've never seen. This is why I'm giving that advice. It's something that I'm practicing that I...

You know, have my own child that goes and sees somebody because he needs other wisdom and guidance in his life that is not just his parents. Right. Speaking into his life. So all these things help us process this in a healthy way.

James Moffitt (49:11.412)
So what would you say to somebody that's listening to this podcast that wasn't raised in church or wasn't raised in a family that practiced faith in God or went to a different denominational church?

James Moffitt (01:40:03.392)
One of the things that I love about church, and this may shock some people as I say this, is church is full of imperfect people that are trusting God. Church is not a place of perfect people who have it all figured out, right? And so as soon as you realize that, you begin to see, wait, there's something greater going on here. If this group of people has a hope and a peace and a joy that just doesn't make sense. This is what I love about.

Following God is he gives us hope he gives us a future that just doesn't make sense Like how can a parent have hope when their kid is struggling, right? There seems like there is no hope there seems like you know, like life is hard life is difficult But yet God offers something that quite frankly I've found nowhere else in In this world that has brought me peace that has brought me joy in very difficult situations

I mean, could share with you testimonies and stories after stories of difficult things that I've been through in my life from losing everything in a hurricane to these motorcycle accidents and surgeries I've had to been through. I've been through some things that I shouldn't be happy at all. You know, it'd be a very depressing. I should be a very depressed person. If you looked at my life, right. Things that have happened. And even now we walk through stuff every single day. And so there's hope and that's my encouragement.

for those listening that maybe you never can

James Moffitt (02:33:45.568)
But I believe that God has designed us to experience His goodness now on earth, not just when we get to heaven. Well, I think the important thing He brings up is that pastors aren't perfect. There's no such thing as a perfect church. As soon as you walk through those front doors, or the side door, or wherever, as soon as you encounter Christians, they're sinners saved by grace.

James Moffitt (03:27:16.608)
They have problems, they go to work, they have marriage relationships, have children, they have issues, all kinds of things that humanity struggles with. So yeah, that's good thing to understand and know that when you go to church, your eyes should be on the cross, your eyes should be on who Jesus is and the grace that He provides for a multitude of sins for all of us.

You know, yeah. And and he, and when you enter into that relationship.