Building Stronger Relationships with Adult Children: Practical Strategies from The Love Doctor

SPEAKER_01 0:00

So we would sit round the dinner table. I would ask my wife this question, Honey, what have you done today that you have not been thanked for? So I would ask my son, he would say something, like, Mom, you cooked this great meal. Thank you. My daughter would say something, I would say something, and then my wife would say something. I did this, I wasn't thanked for that. Next question, what then I would ask the same question to my son? My daughter, and then I would ask myself the same question. Next question is, what act of kindness did you see today? What act of kindness? So they have to reply positively. My wife, my daughter, my son, what act of kindness did you perform today? Is the next question. My wife, my son, my daughter. Next question is, what are you grateful for? Next question is, what was fun, interesting, vibrant, joyful, playful, magical about today? My wife, my daughter, my son. Then uh question is, is there anything on your mind?

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Welcome to the podcast ABCs of parenting adult children. Please join us as we discuss parenting adult children and the unique struggles that it comes along with Hello and welcome back to the ABCs of Parenting Adult Children podcast.

SPEAKER_02 1:21

My name is James Moffat, and I'll be your host. I'm excited to introduce today's guest, Anil Gupta. Anil, how are you? I'm great. Thank you for having me on the show. Yes, sir. Anil's passionate about helping families build stronger, healthier relationships, and he's here to share practical advice and encouragement for all of us raising adult kids. So raising adult kids is uh children the ages of 18 to 30, pretty much. And today, to my listening audience, I have the Love Doctor live and online with us. Where did that come from?

SPEAKER_01 1:50

You know, uh people started calling me that, and I thought I kind of like that. And they started introducing me. Hey, we have the laptops on the on the line. So I it just happenstance. I I didn't create it, people started calling me it. Well, it's very it's very catchy and it's uh I guess a good brand. Yeah, I I like it. It's smooth and it and and it it tells people what I do. You know, a lot of people are suffering in their relationships, they don't need to. They just need a toolbox. Right. So are you a parent? I am a parent. I have a 34-year-old and a 32-year-old. I've been married for 37 years, 31 days.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

37 years and 31 days. You've got that down. Yeah, and um one hour. And one hour. Oh my goodness. That's fine. Then I'm counting. Yeah, my wife and I have been married pretty close to 35 years, but I I couldn't I couldn't get quite as close as you have.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

So I I I talk about this every day. So tomorrow will be 37 years, one month, exactly. And the day after 37 years, one month, one day. When you talk about it every day, I I'm not counting every single day. I'm just adding a day. So it's it's difficult. Well, very good.

SPEAKER_02 2:56

So so tell me how you got into uh into being the love doctor.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

So I I was an optometrist for 20 years. I had my own practice in London. People would tell me their problems in life, I don't know why, they felt comfortable, I suppose. And I would make a suggestion, they would come back and say, that that changed my life. And I said, Of course it did. And James, I thought that was obvious. It was obvious to me, but it wasn't obvious. And later on in life I realized that that was my stroke of genius. That's that's what what I'm really good at. So I started doing events, five, ten, fifteen, hundred, two hundred, five hundred, ten thousand people. And it just blossomed from there, wrote a bestseller book, TEDx, Fox News, Sky TV, ABC, NBC, Harvard, and uh recently on iHeartRadio, doing live interventions. And it was just doing what I love to do, um, and just getting better and better at it.

SPEAKER_02 3:46

We live on a very uh difficult world, and I think uh I think a lot of us are are finding it difficult to compartmentalize and deal with all of the things that are swirling around us, right? And I'm I can only imagine that that affects parents, you know, and children. And the family unit is a whole, and it's hard to to um ignore you know, some of the harshness and ignore some of the socioeconomic political garbage that's just swirling all around us. Right. And uh the instant access to news, the news cycle, and you know, social media, and it's just it's uh I think it's difficult to turn off uh for a lot of us. And uh so I think that uh probably one of the things that you can do is is to help parents and maybe even adult children navigate around some of that.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

Is that true? Yeah, absolutely. And you know, it's not difficult to do it. It's simple, but it's not easy, but it's not difficult. It's just a matter of asking yourself, what is gonna be the best thing for my health, my wealth, my happiness, my joy? And what tools do I need? What languaging do I need to change? So a lot a lot of the problems I'm seeing, James, is that a lot of kids are enabled and entitled. And I'll tell you why that happens. James, you've been through adversity, I've been through adversity, and a lot of parents in this world that we live in are saying to themselves, hey, I've got this brand new child. I'm gonna make sure they don't get the adversity I went through. So they they make it easy for them. But that's the worst thing you can do because then they don't know how to handle a situation. The greatest gift you could give your children is this give them the ability to handle life by throwing adversity at them. When when Richard Branson was five years old, he was thrown into a middle of a field and told to get home. And I suggested that to my wife, and she said, Are you crazy? Are you nuts? And I thought, well, maybe you're right. So what we did, we we took them into, we were living in London at the time, we took them into central London and put them on the Metro, the tube underground system, and told them to get home. Now, under no circumstances were they to contact us or ask for help, unless it was an emergency. We were 20 feet behind them, but we trained them up, you know, station by station by station, longer, longer distances away from home so that they could manage that, and they did. But we don't do that to our children nowadays. We make it simple and and easy for them because also we're so scared of losing their love. You know, as we're gr growing up, you know, we had adversity, we didn't have parents around us all of the time, so then we crave their love, then we have children, we want to crave their love, we want to have that guaranteed love, so we do everything to please them. A lot of parents are just running around their kids and they're losing their their minds because then they're not happy, the kids are not happy, there's a lot of uh you know, disgruntled conversations, and it's so painful. So the secret is this throw adversity at your kids that they can reasonably handle. By you doing that, you're getting them ready for their lives, for you know, living on this planet. Isn't that what happens in the wild? A deer, when it's born, it's taught how to survive and thrive. And that's what we need to teach our children. Also, I'm talking a lot, James, because I'm trying to save your voice. No, you're fine. You know, it's it's important that we teach our children how to communicate, you know, and be to their words, say what they mean and mean what they say. Integrity is a very important skill set I taught my children from a very young age. And there's one beautiful exercise I'll share with you, James. Is if the listeners do this one exercise, your family dynamic will change. So we would sit around the dinner table, I would ask my wife this question, honey, what have you done today that you have not been thanked for? So I would ask my son, he would say something like, Mom, you cooked this great meal. Thank you. My daughter would say something, I would say something, and then my wife would say something, you know, I I did this, I wasn't thanked for that. Next question, what then I would ask the same question to my son, my daughter, and then I would ask myself the same question. Next question is, what act of kindness did you see today? Not did you see an act of kindness, what act of kindness? So they have to reply positively. My wife, my daughter, my son, me. What act of kindness did you perform today is the next question. My wife, my son, my daughter, me. Next question is, what are you grateful for? My wife, my son, my daughter, me. Next question is, what was fun, interesting, vibrant, joyful, playful, magical about today? My wife, my daughter, my son, me. Then uh question is, is there anything on your mind? One day my son says, Dad, you know, when you when you pick me up from school, I notice everyone, all the parents aren't there, and some of the kids don't even want to be seen with their parents. I said, Son, I'll always hug and kiss you. If anyone says anything to you, just tell them my dad loves me. So they need to know what to say. Another occasion my daughter said, Dad, I'm having a problem at school. Great, I said. And she said, Dad, what's great about it? You don't even know what it is. I said, honey, whatever it is, we'll fix it. There's always a way. And that's a teaching lesson. So then the last question is, is anything on your mind? Are you upset with anything? Do you want anything cleared up? Now, James, the great thing about this exercise, my son was nine at the time. Next day he was in charge of the exercise. So he has to be confident, self-assured, respectful, a leader, communication skills, public speaking skills. Next day my wife was in charge, and the next day my daughter was in charge. So every day they're looking for acts of kindness. They're looking to perform and observe. They're looking for things to be grateful for. So the level of awareness goes up. This one exercise as a family, it's a game changer. It could reunite your family, increase their communication, because what you want is your kids to say to your dad, something really bad has happened. And this is something we would say to our kids, no matter how bad it is, no matter whatever you do, always tell us the truth. We may get upset with you for a short period, but then we will respond and protect you and guide you and nurture you. We will not judge you or criticize you after that, but please come to us. Because the last thing they wanted you want them to do is to go to someone else who may not have their best interests. And that way they can feel safe. No matter what they do, come to Mum or Dad.

SPEAKER_02 10:08

Yeah, I like the uh I like the level of engagement that uh you've created uh in your family unit. And I think that, you know, I I think a lot of parents today, especially, struggle with. I mean, I hear parents all the time, and I hear adults, like, hey, if we're gonna go out to dinner, you know, whether we're meeting a couple or meeting a group of people, or we're just by ourselves having a you know, a a husband-wife date night or whatever, the phones need to be on their face, you know, take your phone, put it on its face, mute it, right? And so that you're not distracted by it. And so so what you're doing is is you're focusing on one another and you're engaging one another in conversation. And I think that with the advent of technology and the advance of technology that that that we have instant access to information on our friends and you know, our our our young adults have Snapchat and they have Facebook and and TikTok and all of these applications that have have taken their attention span from this wide, you know, all the way down to like 15 seconds. You know, they're scrolling these 15 and 30 second TikTok videos and and they're just uh looking for dopamine hits all the time, trying to, you know, to get that high. And and I think that that is certainly not the only issue that parents are facing. But I think I think in today's society, uh with the instant access to uh the internet and all these different social media apps, that it's good for parents to kind of control that and turn it off at the dinner table, you know, or access it and turn it off when you're out in public and and you know there's a time and space for that, right? And so so when you're at the dinner table, that's not the time or space for it. That's time for the family to reconnect. And I love those questions. I love those engaging questions that you're that you've developed. And because and I would imagine that it takes time for now, obviously it the adults have a h a higher communications ability, the ability to listen to questions and comprehend the question and answer answer the question in an engaging method, right? But children don't necessarily have those skills. And and you hear I hear all the time how how uh like my I have adult children that are in their 30s, they don't like to talk on the phone. They don't mind texting you, they don't mind getting on Instagram chat or Facebook Messenger or something like that and type out a quick message, but they don't want to talk to you on the phone, you know, because that's well, that's just they just that generation has learned or has not learned how to to communicate effectively with the spoken word, right? And so so at what at what age group or age level do you start that? The younger the better, or what?

SPEAKER_01 12:54

Well, the the I'll tell you what happens, James. A baby's born and the parents are constantly entertaining it. And that's the problem, because then it wants to be entertained constantly. And then, you know, the baby doesn't eat, they put an iPad in front of it, starts eating. So they're training the baby iPad food, iPad food. And then the baby's constantly on the iPad, they're constantly being entertained. And where where do they put their iPads? They put them on their laps. Yeah, so the the iPads are sitting on the children's laps, and that's producing radiation, and that's going to affect their ability to have children in the future. And the amount of radiation that comes off these things is horrendous. And some people leave their phones or their iPads next to their heads when they sleep. So that's causing a radiation fuzz. So, you know, my recommendation is don't entertain your kids all of the time. When we were kids or when we had kids, we would buy them presents and they would just play with the boxes. I thought, hang on a minute, I could save a ton of money here. So we just bought boxes and they they would be creative, they would think about things, they would build castles and forts and all sorts of things. And we have to give them the creativity. We we're doing things for them. You know, I had a golden rule. You cannot buy a toy with batteries in it. We don't want that. We we want you to start thinking and playing and having fun. You know, eye hand coordination, mixing with other children. We would get newspapers and we would tear them up and we would just throw them in the air like confetti. It was fun. But we we cannot be constantly providing entertainment to our kids. And the rule is if if you're on the dinner table, you eat your food. That's it. You don't need extra entertainment. Now, James, here's a distinction. Supposing I mean you go to dinner, right? And you see me put my phone down face down, okay? Or we go to dinner, you see me take up my phone and put it away. So you no one can see it. Which do you think is more respectful to you? Putting it away. Yeah. So people think by putting their phone face down they're being respectful. No, they're not. Put it away. Not if it's important, you'll find out.

SPEAKER_02 15:00

Well, uh, you know, maybe maybe baby steps. You know, if it's on silent and you and you put it face down, then you have to ignore it buzzing, right? Because then it'll start vibrating. So do you respond, do you do you respond to the vibration? If you're not going to respond to the vibration, just just silence it and put it in your pocket and forget about it. You know? And it's interesting. There are issues where people are on call, you know, doctors, you know, uh first responders, IT people like me, you know, there there are times where you need to be accessible or people need to be able to access you. And at that point, if you get a if you get a work phone call or whatever, you just have to s excuse yourself, step away from the table, take the phone call, and then come back to the table and put it away. Or whatever. Whatever works, right? But but yeah, baby steps. You gotta you gotta start somewhere. Yeah, I know it's a muscle. When I was I'm a baby boomer, so I turned 64 and I was part of the latch key generation, right? And what so what does that mean? That means that that means both my parents worked. My sister and I went to school during the day and we had a key, you know, that would let us into the house in the afternoon when we got home. My parents didn't get off till five o'clock. Well, we got home at 3 30-ish, you know, depending on whether or not we were, you know, in sports or whatever and had or had after school curricular activities or whatever. But after school was out, whether we walked home or we rode the bus, typically we got home before our parents did. We let ourselves in the house. We we probably had chores that we were supposed to do to keep us, you know, out of trouble or whatever, and or we were supposed to do our homework. Uh and in a lot of times when the parents came home at the end of the day or on the weekends, you know, they're tired, they want to relax, they don't necessarily want to engage with the kids and or want to be emotionally present. So what did they do? They stuck us in front of Scooby-Doo and the Super Friends cartoons on Saturday morning. You know, we ate breakfast and we went and spent a couple of hours in front of the TV. And so the parents were entertaining us with the TV and keeping us out of their hair, right? And so even back in the 70s and 80s, we were latchkey children, and while we didn't have instant access to the internet, there was no such thing as the internet back then. We didn't have personal computers until like 81 or 82 when I graduated from high school, but they were so ridiculously expensive nobody could afford them. They were like, you know, just a PC cost five thousand dollars, you know, and in unless you were well off, you couldn't you your typical middle income uh household couldn't afford a five thousand dollar computer, right? And if they if you could afford it, you were using it to make money, right? You were writing that off on your taxes at the end of the year or whatever. But uh but yeah, that's that's that's uh I think it's really good that parents make an effort to engage with their children and to stay connected. And of course, we're talking about adult children, so we're talking about 18 to 30 years of age. So we're talking about starting this engagement process while they're still young, right?

SPEAKER_01 17:58

As early as possible, you know, in in our heyday, I call it the heyday, James, um, when when my father said something, we would do it. There was there was no answering back, there's no, you know, talking back and you know, smart comments, none of that stuff. And we were respectful, and they were respectful. And, you know, we had manners. I couldn't leave the dinner table without asking for permission. Dad, may may I leave the dinner table? Why is that, son? I I need to go to the restroom. Sure. But it wouldn't be hey, my friends waiting for me. No, it has to be a legitimate reason. We were taught manners and politeness, we were thought taught how to provide acts of kindness, you know, they're great values. We were taught, you know, if my dad enters a room, I stand up in respect of him, because without him there's no me. Without him, there's nothing. So but I if I told my son to stand up when when when my dad enters the room, he's not gonna do it. But if he sees me doing it, we we have to be the example. And one of the biggest mistakes that parents make, apart from having kids, is this. That that was supposed to be funny. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_02 19:05

Is this it was funny, I just I just didn't catch it in time. Sometimes it is a mistake. Because you got children raising children, right? So maybe yeah, maybe in that regard, maybe uh until the parents grow up a little bit, maybe they're not supposed to have children. But anyway.

SPEAKER_01 19:20

Yeah. No one bets you to have kids. Of course not. You need a license to to drive a car, you need a license to perform a business, but you don't need a license to have kids. So the mistake that parents make is they expect the child to come into the adult world. They say, When I was your age, I had three paper rounds, I started a business and I did this and I did this, and we didn't have any computers, I walked to school, I cycled to school. If you tell that to a 12-year-old, 14 year old, they don't really care. But the secret is you have to understand the world that they're entering, the the problems they're facing, the fears that they're uh expressing. Then instead of being combative, you're sitting next to them, say, hey, I understand why you're fearful about this, I understand this. That way you you'll build a much better relationship with your kids. It's really a very powerful exercise. Get into their world, sit next to them, find their favorite music, their favorite sports teams. What do they love to do? What what's exciting? And ask your kids this what do you want to be remembered by? What what's your gift? What's your greatness? Makes a big difference.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

I think that well, when I was when I was raised as a kid in the seventies and eighties, you know, I had a I had a dad that was a he was a drill instructor in the army for twenty-six years. And so he was pretty heavy-handed and rough on us kids. And my mother was Austrian by na by descent. She was raised in Austria, so she was raised in a European household. And so the European household is much different than the one in America, uh, in that uh families live together, grandparents, parents, children, aunts, uncles. So a lot of times you're the nuclear family is much larger, and so there were multiple, you know, it it takes a village to raise a child, you've heard that statement. And so, so there were no such thing as latchkey children in in Europe, because yeah, mom and dad may be off earning a living to pay the bills, but grandma and grandpa or aunts or uncles or somebody was always there was always an adult around the house to to help mentor the child, right? And so when we when we become parents, we don't have a manual. Nobody gives us a manual. So how do we raise our children? We raise our children the way we were raised, right? And unless you're unless you have a good grasp on emotional maturity or awareness, you know, like when I became a parent, I recognized the fact that I didn't want to raise my children the way I was raised. I didn't want to be heavy-handed, I didn't want to be an alcoholic, I didn't want to be, you know, succumb to fits of rage or anything of that nature. Did I kind of slip back into that a little bit? Sure, you know, because it's so ingrained in your psyche that you can't help but do that sometimes. But you just have to catch yourself and and be willing to say I'm sorry and say, you know, hey, I didn't I didn't address that correctly or I didn't respond to that situation correctly. This is how I should have responded. But I'm saying all of that to say this and is is that I think at least for my my for me, I had a picture in my mind of how my children were supposed to operate, how they were supposed to interact, right? And I think you bring a really good point. I think you bring a really good point to the to the table in that we have to, as parents, we have to engage with our children and find out where they're at, find out what their environment is, find out what their school do their day at school was. And we as parents have to put aside our what happened to us at work or whatever. We have to put that aside. And when we're when we're in in family time and we're at the dinner table, you know, we need to be able to put our day aside and try to enter into the world of our children and go, what was your day like? And then act like you give a flip. Act like you care, right? You're not just asking the question just to hear yourself rattle. Let them know that you're you want them to be authentic and you want them to be real with their answer and that you're, you know, answer however you want to. Tell me how your day was. I'm not going to judge you for it. I'm not going to belittle you. I'm not going to say, well, yeah, I that happened to me, you know, 30 years ago. This is how I handled it. It's no big deal. You're you'll be fine, you know. And I think a lot of times we just we're dismissive when they when they tell us about an event that happened in their life that's new to them, it's it's new territory to them, it's old hat to us, right? And so we need to we need to allow them to express how that affected them, how that made them feel, how that made them think. And it's important that we validate their experiences, right?

SPEAKER_01 23:47

Absolutely. And then they they can feel comfortable coming to you, they can feel comfortable speaking their minds. And if they know that my dad and mom, they're gonna listen to me, I'm gonna feel heard, it's gonna make them more open to communicating with you. And you know, uh a question, but rather than ask, you know, how was your day, start with what was funny, magical, outstanding, um you know, humorous, playful about the day. So that then it's a little bit more energy if you say how was your day? They're gonna say okay, but you know, just keep it light.

SPEAKER_02 24:20

Right. So as both a coach and a parent, what lessons did you personally learn as your children became adults?

SPEAKER_01 24:26

The the the big thing is to get into their world and listen to them, acknowledge them, thank them, and treat them like adults. Ask them questions. Hey, can I take your advice? Can I get your opinion? What do you think I should do here? And keep in contact with them, speak to them on a regular basis. Just be there for them and let them make mistakes.

SPEAKER_02 24:46

It's okay. Right. It's how they learn. Yeah. Don't be a helicopter parent, right?

SPEAKER_01 24:50

Yeah, yeah, because you'll just wear yourself out. Then you start resenting the kids. Oh, I did this for you, I did this for you, you you you're not grateful. You know, by you spending your time running around them, you're missing out on joy. And one thing I I would recommend any parents, do not make your children your number one priority. Make your partner your number one priority. Because if you do that, your partner will never leave you. But a lot of issues arise when you when, especially mothers, make their children their number one priority as a as a guaranteed source of love, that the kids will never leave them, then the husband doesn't get the attention. He doesn't get edification, he doesn't get, you know, the respect that he's looking for, and then suddenly, if someone at work starts giving him respect and attention, it's really hard to say no to that situation, and then it causes a rift. But if you make your partner your number one priority, your ability and capability and capacity to love and be loved increases, so your children get even more love. And if your children did that with their partners, their partners would never leave them. And it's the best, best possible role model you can give your kids. Right.

SPEAKER_02 25:58

So, what are some common mistakes parents make when trying to communicate with their adult kids?

SPEAKER_01 26:02

They don't really listen. They dismiss the fears and tribulations that the children are going through comparing it to their lives. If that's your only problem, what I as as you said earlier on, what we did was this, you know, listen to them and be there present for them. It's not the amount of time you spend with your kids, it's the amount of quality time. You know, ask them questions. Who's your best friend? What do you love to do? What's your greatness? A great question to ask your kids is this, and you have to be you know brave to ask this question, hey son, what could I do to become a better father for you? What's one behavior you do not like about me? What's one behavior you would like me to change? It's a simple question, but I I I promise you, they'll tell you, and if they tell you, you can make a decision. You don't have to do it, but you can make a decision, and it just gives you clarity. That's what's missing in relationships, is a clarity of communication and what someone feels. So here give me an example of a communication. I would always leave the toilet seat up, and my wife would get frustrated, and I thought it was funny. Then one day she said this to me every time you do that, I can't love you as much. I thought, oh, that's a bit harsh. But I thought about it and I thought, oh my gosh, you're right. So little things can annoy people in many ways. There's something that you're doing that annoys your kids. There's something that they're doing that annoys the parents. So one thing is another example. My son, he's really messy and has been. He would leave his clothes lying around, contact lenses in the sink, and I would think, this is not right. And I would get upset. Then one day, James, I was watching a movie, and in that movie the son got killed. And I thought, hang on a minute. I'm complaining about my son's clothes. If my son had got killed, I wouldn't complain. So I reversed it. Every time I see his clothes on the floor or the mess in his room, I'm reminded that he's still alive. So we can change things around by just reframing. Sometimes we have unreasonable expectations. You know, the more expectations we have in life, the more painful life is. So when when my son was younger, we would get him tutors because I wanted him to be successful. But the main reason was I didn't want to be embarrassed, that he didn't get as good grade as my as my peers' kids. And I realized that and I thought, oh my gosh, I'm not doing it for him, I'm doing it for me. Then I said to my son, we're going to stop the tutoring. He said, Why dad? I said, Well, you're not enjoying it. I said, No, Dad, I don't like it. Then after that he blossomed. So here's one sentence that will change people's lives. Infinite patience produces immediate results. If you know that everything is going to end well with your children, with your life, with your partner, with your business, whatever, be you can be at peace now, knowing it's just a matter of time. And that's what we did. We let him blossom. When the kids were 18, we sent them around the world by themselves and they grew. What was I saying again? Infinite patience produces immediate results Produces immediate results. I like that. Yeah, it's it's amazing. You know, like if we took the sorry, we took the SAT exams and we were so stressed about it. Once we'd taken them, you know what, that wasn't too bad. But we were so stressed before. But if you knew in in advance that everything would be okay, you wouldn't have to have all that stress.

SPEAKER_02 29:19

I think we have to find some balance. In other words, I don't think there's anything wrong with parents teaching the value of being clean or cleanliness or everything having order. Like like when you come in from and it goes for dad and mom too. Like when you when you walk in through the front door, y you don't just kick your shoes and socks off at the front door and they wind up one shoe winds up in the kitchen, one shoe winds up in the living room or whatever. In other words, we all have to live together. We have to we have to take each other's feelings and our what's the word I'm looking for? We have to learn how to get along with one another. Yeah, we we have to be respectful. Yeah. Sure. And so there's nothing wrong with teaching our children the value of cleanliness or the value of being organized or or whatever, right? But there has to be a balance to it and and it can't it can't become a point of aggravation or contention, right?

SPEAKER_01 30:12

No, you're you're absolutely right. So I I want to make something clear that the mess was only in his domain. Okay. He w he wasn't allowed to be messy in inside of communal areas, in our bedrooms, uh anywhere else. As I guess in his bedroom, in his bathroom, that's it. But you're not gonna do that in our car, in in communal areas. So there, as you said, there has to be boundaries. But also he wasn't dirty, it was just messy. Right. So he need he needed that distinction. He doesn't need food in his room. You're not you're not gonna have food in the room because it's gonna invite unwanted guests. So there are some rules, but no, it can't be too stringent on the rules, otherwise, then yeah, they they don't feel at home, they don't feel at ease. So we have to pick our battles.

SPEAKER_02 31:00

Yeah, I wish my dad would have understood that.

SPEAKER_01 31:02

Well that would have made life a little more easy. But James, you became a magnificent father because of your dad. You decided I'm gonna be the best father possible. Am I right? I tried to. Yeah. And you know, same with my dad. We we weren't cozy. So I decided I'm gonna make sure I spend a lot of time with my kids. So it but my dad didn't have a toolbox. I don't know what my dad went through. Well, I do, but he went through hell. Right.

SPEAKER_02 31:27

And parents do the best they can with what they have, right? Yep. And I I always I always say that about my parents. You know, they they weren't perfect. I wasn't perfect. My kids, when they have kids, they're not gonna be perfect. We're all we're all kind of in this together, right?

SPEAKER_01 31:41

We are and our intent is to do whatever we can. Our intent isn't to hurt the kids, our intent isn't to cause them pain and suffering. Our intent is to do the right thing, and that that's the only thing that's important. We can never get it right.

SPEAKER_02 31:53

So, how can parents create a safe space for conversation without making their children feel judged or pressured?

SPEAKER_01 31:59

And really that a dinner conversation is the ideal place because then what you're doing, you're building up that muscle for them to open up. You're building that muscle where they can feel trusted and not criticized. And then really uh sometimes you can even ask the kids, hey, you did a bad thing there. What do you think the punishment is? If you were me, what punishment would you give? And they would say, you know, you know, one week of no expo, say, son, I love you too much. I'm not going to do that. But I'd like you to look at your behavior and make an adjustment for the future. So that I call it aim, always improving myself. So, parents, you have to be the change. You can't tell your kids, you know, you don't smoke when you smoke. You can't tell your kids don't eat bad food when you eat bad food. So we have to be the change. You know, uh, I I remember there was uh one of my clients I was coaching, and I told him to get up earlier. And I thought, hang on, I'm telling him to get up earlier. Then I decided to get up earlier. Because, you know, by us being the change, we increase and exponentially increase our standards. And it's all about standards. It's always about who we are.

SPEAKER_02 33:08

That's good. So boundaries can be tough. What does a healthy boundary look like between a parent and an adult child? Okay.

SPEAKER_01 33:15

So in our household, we had what it's called a uh a line of demarcation, which is this this is one line you never ever cross. So one of them was you always wear a safety belt. Two, you never go into another person's car if they've been drinking or are on drugs. Three, you never drink and have drugs. You can never drink and drive, you must never use drugs. They were the big lines of demarcation you never crossed. And we kept on telling them and telling them. One day my daughter said no to getting into a car because we instilled it inside of them. And as soon as she was asked, she knew exactly what to say. There was no ears, oh I should no, should I? No, she didn't no, my dad said, my mum said. So she didn't get into that car and that they had a it wasn't a fatal crash, but it was a bad crash. So we have to protect our kids, we have to give them the tools. It makes a big difference because one day they're gonna rely on what my mum and dad told me.

SPEAKER_02 34:16

Right. That's good. You've talked often about forgiveness. How can parents let go of guilt or regret from the past?

SPEAKER_01 34:22

You know, it's not easy, but ask yourself this. Did you intentionally hurt someone? Did you mean to cause them difficulties? You know, for example, I'm walking down the street, you see me as a love doctor, you see me push my wife to the floor, and you think, oh, he's a fraud. Then you come up to me and say, hey, I saw what you did. And I said, Thank you. And you said, What do what am I thanking you for? But didn't you see I threw my wife to the floor? You said, Yeah, that's disgusting. I said, James, there was a car coming round the corner. I saved my wife from being killed. My intent was pure. You may think, oh, you know, he's not a good person. But as long as your intent is pure, and sometimes things happen, accidents happen. But the most expensive real estate in the world is between your ears. Every time you have resentment, every time you have guilt, what anytime you have an unforgiveness issue, it's eating up inside your head. Just let go. By you forgiving, isn't you letting someone else win? It's about you winning. You you deciding you're not going to give power to anybody else. Forgiveness is the express pathway to freedom. The quality of your life is dependent on the depth and authenticity of the forgiveness you extend to yourself and to others.

SPEAKER_02 35:34

It's huge. Right. So what is one daily habit or practice that can strengthen a parent-adult-child relationship? This is very easy.

SPEAKER_01 35:42

Perform five random acts of kindness every single day. This one thing, when you perform an act of kindness, the person performing the act of kindness receives endorphins, the person receiving the act of kindness receives endorphins, the person watching the act of kindness receives endorphins, the person sharing the act of kindness receives endorphins. The person receiving the sharing of the act of kindness receives endorphins. That's one thing you must do. The second thing is be grateful for what you have. Don't focus on what you don't have. And have authentic, loving communications. Thank each other. Remind each other the magical moments you've had. Don't focus on their negativity. Focus on what's working. You know, if you come home late at night and the house is completely dark, you would turn on the lights. But most people would go in and remove the darkness in their lives. So if you want your life to change, be the lights. Remember, you know, as parents, the day that we found out our children were going to come into the world, it was the happiest day of our lives. The day they were born, beautiful day. But what changed? What changed was we had expectations. We expected the children to do things. Well, what if you could let that go and just accept them as they are? And that's what love is. Accept your children as they are.

SPEAKER_02 36:56

Amen. So where can listeners learn more about your work and connect with your resources?

SPEAKER_01 37:00

The best place is my website, meetaneil.com. You'll find a lot of resources, a lot of free content that will inspire you to lead a richer fuller, happier life. The decisions you make today will create a brand new ending to the rest of your life. So decide to be happier, more clearer, more gentle, more loving, more caring, more generous, more playful, and everything will change.

SPEAKER_02 37:23

I'm bringing it up on my other screen. Hold on. Let me share it. For those that are gonna be watching the video version.

SPEAKER_01 37:30

I should have dressed up. I didn't realize it was a live one. I've got a fractured arm, ladies and gentlemen, just in case you're asking, what's what's he got on his arm? I can't hear you, James.

SPEAKER_02 37:40

I keep turning my microphone off so people don't hear me. Is this your first podcast? No, no, it's not. You would think it was. Oh my god. Looks like. The good news is it's not, it doesn't cost anybody anything. It's free content, so they'll just have to forgive me for my food bars, right? So get your daily inspiration to email for the next 365 days free. Start your journey now. Alright, so uh this is uh Anil's website, Elevate Your Love Life. It all begins with one meaningful conversation. I like that. Yeah, this is really good. Find happiness in your relationships. Click here. Call or text us here. So meetanil.com. It's M-E-E-T-A-N-I-L dot com. That's how you can get to Anil's uh content. And I'll share that in my show notes. Yeah, thank you. And wishing you a speedy recovery, Jack. So in closing, I want to say to my listening audience, I want to say thank you for the privilege of your time. Thank you for your patience and uh putting up with my inability to hit the mute button on my microphone, turning it off so that when I start talking, all you you don't all you you can hear what I'm saying instead of watching my lips move and not hear anything. But anyway, uh parenting adult children isn't about fixing, it's about connecting. Neil Gupta breaks down the ABCs, awareness, behavior, connection, simple, powerful, life-changing. Tune in and take the next step towards healing. And Neil, thank you for being here today. Thank you for what you're doing, and uh I'll look forward to talking talking to you again. Thank you, James. Thanks, everybody. All right, everybody. Y'all have a great day.

SPEAKER_00 39:19

Please tune in next week for another episode of our podcast on parenting adult children.