From Caregiver to Mentor: A Parent's Transition with Desiree Taylor

SPEAKER_00 0:00

That's been a tough thing too, really. Um I think we just have to s I have just had to surrender that to God. Um you know, I pray for him. Um and we don't change. You know, it w we change in how we grow in our faith, but we don't change. We're very consistent with him and how we love him um and how we're there for him. That no matter what he what they choose, that we love them. And loving doesn't mean accepting everything they do or agreeing with everything that they do. It's loving them for who they are. Um because there are children and I believe that's what God does for us, that even when we're wandering or in a different place or rejecting him, he loves us that way. And so I just try to love my kids that way. And I that's what I would encourage someone else to do.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Welcome to the podcast ABC's of Parenting Adult Children. Please join us as we discuss parenting adult children and the unique struggles that it comes along with.

SPEAKER_00 1:39

I'm doing great. I'm really happy to be here with you.

SPEAKER_02 1:42

Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad you're here. Do me a favor and uh introduce yourself to the listening audience.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

Well, my name is Desiree Taylor. I am a wife of my husband Dwayne. We've been married almost 29 years. We have two grown children. Kyle's 31 and David is 26. Um, I'm a writer, a speaker. I do a lot of mentoring with young women, and that's kind of where my life is right now.

SPEAKER_02 2:07

Okay. So can you share a little bit about your journey and what led you to focus on parenting adult children?

SPEAKER_00 2:12

Well, you know, I think the biggest thing, I was thinking about this this morning, is that no one really prepared me for any of it. So I feel like I want to be there for other moms as they enter this season of life because no one really it wasn't really talked about. No one really talked about it. And it was a really hard transition for me. So I that kind of stirs me to talk about it more and to share things with other people to um to help them on their own journey with the parenting, adult children.

SPEAKER_02 2:41

Right. So transitioning is a topic that comes up often on this podcast, and we know that that parents and their children are on a on a parallel track, and children are transitioning from being a preteen to a teenager into being an an an adult in the 30s, kind of the age range. And parents are so intimately involved in their children's lives that they fail to see that it's necessary for them to turn or transition into the role of a support person or a mentor.

SPEAKER_00 3:17

I do find that even more difficult with moms. Moms have seem to have a much harder time sometimes than the dads do. I've seen in my experience of but I mean I talk to moms more than I do the dads.

SPEAKER_02 3:29

So well, I think typically moms are the primary caregivers in the home. They're they're more involved in the day-to-day mechanics of what goes on. So what experiences most shaped the way you approach the season of life?

SPEAKER_00 3:42

Well, well, it was kind of a learning process. As my son became my first son, Kyle, turned 17, 16, 17, probably. I began seeing the switch happening a little bit, you know, and it really got me thinking about the reality that parenting changes, that this season of parenting ends at some point. And so I really began praying a lot and and thinking about what that looks like. I didn't do it well at first, I think. It w it was difficult for me emotionally because I was a primary caregiver for them. I was fully invested. It was my main job, so to speak. But and I also have learned along the way that each child is different because that was the thing I took into my second son transitioning, was that it it didn't fully look the same as the first child. So that was challenging because you can't even box it. You have to really know your children. You have to get to know them, you have to have a good relationship with them, ask questions. My boys and I had boys. I didn't have girls, so both of them are boys. The boys are different from the girls from my that my friends say. I had to really listen to what they were saying to me. So I did a lot of listening. I did a lot of apologizing at different points because I didn't know where the boundaries were and the lines were with them for a while, but they were very good at making that known to me. So that was helpful to me. I think that's important that if the even if they don't tell you the boundaries and lines well, that you ask those questions. I think as a mom, it's really important to really, even in those moments when you want to know everything and you want to be right in there with them, um, to ask them. And I my the way I did it was when they invited me in, I knew I was invited into that. They asked the questions, they were looking to my advice, then they wanted me a part of it. It wasn't my place anymore to jump in and just give advice whenever I wanted to. Because every time I did that, it really caused problems in the relationship. And I don't I think that my boys really wanted to they wanted me to see them and respect them as men, that they were becoming men. And um I I really learned how to do that along the way. I've made some mistakes, but I've really learned a lot. And I feel like at this point in the adult parenting journey, I do it pretty well, but it hasn't come without a lot of hard lessons.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

Right. Relationships can be complicated, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:15

Yes, I can. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:17

What do you think is the hardest part for parents when their children move from teenage years into adulthood?

SPEAKER_00 6:22

Oh. It's real I find I found the hardest thing was really learning where to let go of and when. I was a little more I had a lot more fears and was a lot more uh anxious about things than my husband was, but he also understood the boys more because he was a guy, you know? So he really helped me a lot in understanding why they were needing what they were needing and helped me in those places where I had a harder time letting go, where I really needed to let go and let them be free. I think sometimes we want to save them from everything, we wanna keep them from falling down. But sometimes as I've watched this, the failures have been important in their lives because it's taught them things they need to know. And if they didn't have that experience of failing in that moment or, you know, making mistakes or whatever it was, they may not be where they are now. And if I had hindered that, it wouldn't have been a good thing. So that's probably one of the biggest things.

SPEAKER_02 7:18

How can parents shift from being the authority figure to becoming more of a trusted advisor?

SPEAKER_00 7:22

Well, you know, there were days I had to like kind of go put myself in another room, or I had to tell myself inside to be quiet, silently ductate my mouth a little bit. You know, I think that that's the biggest thing is really discerning when to be quiet and when to open your mouth, because those were the biggest times where there were issues or not issues. And I found that the more I did this, I think the positive thing is the more that I learned how to do that, the better the relationship was with the boys and the more they would tell me things. The more I jumped in and, you know, was that, you know, that that advisor kind of person instead of letting them be the authority in their own lives at that point, that they would shut down and it would hinder he they wouldn't tell me as much. So it almost works out better for us to be quiet in those moments because it builds trust with them and they see that they're we're respecting them and that new place in their life that they're in, and and then they end up telling us more because we say less.

SPEAKER_02 8:25

Right. That's good. So what are some common communication mistakes parents make with their adult kids?

SPEAKER_00 8:30

Well, I do I find that with moms, I can't speak for the dads as much, but the moms control too much. I think this is a pet peeve for me. As much as we hate the idea of letting go, we have to stop trying to control our children, whether they're the boys or the girls. I've seen so many in my mentoring, the results of that controlling mothers. It's a problem. And I think that that's one of the biggest mistakes is trying to, it's just saying giving advice when it's not asked for. Expectations is a big thing for me too. I don't put expectations on my children as to what things should look like in their life necessarily. I don't always agree, but I don't have expectations like you need to show up for this, or if they can't show up for something to not guilt trip them, I see that a lot too, and I find that that's really not helpful. And I think it hurts the relationship sometimes and it causes problems in their marriage relationships when you've got those kind of unhealthy expectations all the time. What things should look like, the holidays, all those kind of things. So those are some something ones.

SPEAKER_02 9:38

So manipulation tactics are out the window, right?

SPEAKER_00 9:42

Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 9:46

Our children are are individuals in and of themselves, and they belong to God. They don't belong to us, they're not they're not possessions of ours, they are beautiful human beings that God has given us a period of time, a season of time in which we can try to mold and shape them into the type of human being that we want them to be as much as possible, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:15

Yeah. So how can parents listen without always trying to fix things? And I I'll have to say before you answer that, that I think that's more of a dad thing than it is a mom thing.

SPEAKER_00 10:25

Yeah, absolutely. I would say that because my my husband's like that too, you know, with me. Like he wants to fix it, and it's a very loving thing, you know? It's a very loving thing to want to fix it. Because I can be that way too. I am one of those, like, I want to make this better, I want to fix it, I want to make everyone happy. And um I th I really think that it's just practice. It's been practice for me anyway. I have to practice discerning. I pray a lot. That's helpful for me. I have to t talk to myself. I have to tell myself, even preparing myself going into a situation, like talking to myself before I go in, like keeping myself in the right place. I make less mistakes that way, I find. Then I'm not as reactive. Or um, or even when I do kind of start jumping into the fix-it mode, I can see the re you know, the reaction from them, and I can just kind of lighten it up a little bit. I know, I know, mom's being that way, you know, and I just kind of back off. And it does really help when I keep it like like that, but also acknowledge that I'm doing that. That really softens the thing, and then we move on much quicker than if I didn't.

SPEAKER_02 11:32

Well, it's that's good that you understand that about yourself and that you are transparent and your your boys, you know, recognize that as well, and and they know that you struggle with that, and hopefully they give you the grace and the the patience to, you know, work through that. So, what advice do you give parents who struggle with respecting boundaries?

SPEAKER_00 11:55

You know what helps me is I don't want to do to anyone else what I don't like being done to me. And so it's very easy for me to love them that way. And it's not natural for everyone. So I think the biggest thing is to really ask your children what their boundaries are, to really know what they are for them. And even if you don't agree or you don't like it, or you don't want to be that way, I see too many parents. Well, I'm gonna do it anyway, you know, because that's what they want to do. That's not very loving, I don't find. So I think just knowing them, knowing what their boundaries are, because it's different for both of my boys. So each child's different even in what they want for boundaries. Some things are okay with one that aren't for another, or so knowing that and just being disciplined about it really and and I bring if I'm struggling with something and not being able to say something or do something, I just I I have to give that to God and put it there. Or I talk to my husband too, we talk about it and we kind of walk through it together.

SPEAKER_02 12:56

So let's uh transition into navigating challenges. Many parents face conflict with their adult children. How can they work through disagreements without damaging the relationship?

SPEAKER_00 13:08

I know that can be so difficult. I just I really find that for me it always goes back to the listening again, being willing to have a conversation too. I think too many times people just avoid things, they avoid talking about it, and then the relationship just kind of is damaged.

SPEAKER_02 13:25

Can you think of a like a can you think of a story or an example of something that you had to walk through?

SPEAKER_00 13:31

Well, there's been a lot of things with each of the boys. I'm I'm careful about giving details, but you know, just when they've been doing they choose things they're gonna do, or um live a certain way, or I don't know, whatever it is, where they're making decisions that we don't necessarily agree with, that kind of stuff. Those kind of things have been challenging. But what we found is that you can, you really can love people, even when you disagree with them. I know the culture says otherwise, but there really is a great way to do it. You know, I think when you really listen, talk things through, each one knows where the other one stands. But the reality is they have the choices. The choices are theirs to make because it's their life. And as a parent, to be able to just respect that position, not compromise. We don't compromise on what we believe when it comes to these things, but they know how we feel, what we think. But I don't feel like we need to, we don't constantly preach to them or put them down because they're doing something that we don't like, or you know, some like you were saying, the manipulation stuff, like making them feel guilty for what they're doing. We concentrate on building the relationship with them. And I find that as long as we have open communication, that we're listening to each other and we're respecting each other's boundaries, it really works well. And we concentrate on the relationship with one another. Um we can still love each other and not agree in the situation. And I think people just have trouble doing that, but it's really possible and it's been beautiful to see that as we grow up with these kids, we have good relationships with both of them, even in those even dealing with those situations.

SPEAKER_02 15:16

I think that I think that parents have core values, right? And those core values are s are something that we we have tried to impart to our children. You know, that's you know, political views, religious views, faith, you know, integrity, compassion, all of all of those character traits that we spent eighteen years trying to impart to them and to model for them, right? And so there's gonna come times when it's like you said, they're gonna make a decision that doesn't necessarily align with your core values, or it may be completely different, right? And and so we have to learn how to agreeably disagree. You know? And it's okay to say I respect your decision, but at the same time I don't necessarily agree with where you got there or how you got there. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00 16:09

Yes, perfect sense. And that's really that's really important being able to do that in these relationships, I think.

SPEAKER_02 16:16

So what role should parents play when their adult children face struggles like career setbacks, relationship issues, or mental health challenges?

SPEAKER_00 16:24

Well, I mean, for us, we've been there for them. I just being there for them, we help them. Well, you know, we pray about whether you you always want to hold the balance between helping and enabling. I think that's another thing we have to watch all the time because sometimes they need to feel some of the things that they're walking through, but we never leave them alone. In some manner, we're helping them, whether it's to listen to them, to talk to them financially, or just be there for them, asking them. I I check on them a lot. You know, how are you doing? When they're going through things, I just do that a little more. I'm intentional to spend time. Hey, you want to get dinner and just really connect with them. I pursue that relationship often. And I just do it a little more when they're going through things. I'm very alert and aware to that. So I just feel like I'm on, you know, like if they need me, where they know that we're here. And I think that's important, that they know that we're here. And even if we can't do everything to fix it, that we are there to walk with them and help them.

SPEAKER_02 17:23

That's good. So, how do you suggest parents handle situations of estrangement or emotional distance?

SPEAKER_00 17:29

That one's tough too. I and I've had some friends with that. I've had certain points of time where the boys have been more quiet. They haven't cut me off per se, but it's been more quiet, and I struggle with that when it's quiet. I feel like it just goes back to the scene, you know, just being there in those times. I have to really pray. I really pray a lot. I have to I vent to my husband a lot because it's hurtful. Sometimes it's it hurts a lot as a mom not having that connection with them in those times. So that's helpful with my husband being able to talk to him. I I think that the keys don't push the boundaries because the more we push, or the if I if I reach out too much, I have to be careful in those times not to be constantly, how are you, how are you, how how are you, because that pushes them away a little more. So I I have to be careful not to nag, you know, and things like that.

SPEAKER_02 18:26

So those things are important.

SPEAKER_00 18:27

We have to give them space.

SPEAKER_02 18:28

And it's hard. So let's talk about faith, values, and identity. How has faith or personal values influenced the way you parent your adult children?

SPEAKER_00 18:39

My faith really and my personal values influence everything, how I do everything. Really, in every decision, you know, when I'm struggling, I pray, you know, I go to the Bible. I have wonderful friends at church, and um, that's been very helpful to me because it's like another family almost. And I have women who have gone through the same things when my younger son moved away to um to Texas for a few years, because I live in Rhode Island, so that was the first time I had ever been away from him in that manner. One of the ladies just came right alongside me, you know, and let me vent, let me talk, prayed with me. My faith and personal values are very important in how I do this. And it has been really relational saving with my kids. I think that's why I'm doing it as well as I can do.

SPEAKER_02 19:27

Okay. How can parents pass on values without making their kids feel pressured or judged?

SPEAKER_00 19:32

Well, that's been a practice too. I think adult parenting has actually helped me practice that a little more. I think it's we don't need to preach to them. That's the first thing. I do let them know like that I'm praying for them. I don't do it all the time. I just do it occasionally, you know. If um I feel like God's put them on my heart and I say that, you know, when I reach out to them, because some nights I just really thinking about them. You know, so I do it I say things occasionally, but I don't preach and I don't constantly talk to them about it. I think that's been helpful. I have one son who has those values and one that doesn't. So it's been two different things for me, two different ways of relating to them, so I can talk to one more about it than the other one. But he's very um I think because I've done it the way I've done it, he's very interested. He asked me about things, asked me about how church is. He still he wants to know about those places and things in my life. So I haven't, I've been very blessed that way because of the way our relationship is, and because I do it that way, he asks me about it even and cares about it, shows care and concern for it. Um I think when we don't push and pressure and manipulate guilt things, all those things, you know, put our expectations on them, it really and they feel free, like they're like I think he must feel like he's asking me because he cares about me, not because I expect him to or because I want him to. And I think that's those are two very different things.

SPEAKER_02 21:01

What encouragement do you have for parents whose children have chosen a very different path from their own?

SPEAKER_00 21:06

Well, that's been a tough thing too, really. I think we just have to I have just had to surrender that to God. You know, I pray for him and we don't change. You know, we change in how we grow in our faith, but we don't change. We're very consistent with him and how we love him, how we're there for him, that no matter what he's what they choose, that we love them. And loving doesn't mean accepting everything they do or agreeing with everything that they do. It's loving them for who they are because they're our children. And I believe that's what God does for us, that even when we're wandering or in a different place or rejecting him, he loves us that way. And so I just try to love my kids that way. And I that's what I would encourage someone else to do.

SPEAKER_02 21:53

So if you could leave parents with one piece of encouragement about the season of parenting, what would it be?

SPEAKER_00 21:58

I really think. that it can be a wonderful season. It's a very hard season, but it can be a wonderful season. And there is hope to have really great relationships with our children. It can be positive, but we have to be a part of that process.

SPEAKER_02 22:13

What has given you the most hope and joy in your own journey of parenting adult children?

SPEAKER_00 22:17

Actually, you know, I've really enjoyed enjoyed getting to know them as adults. Like to be their friend, to be their to be that person in their life and and out of the parenting, you know, gr as the growing up, the advisor, the you know, the one over them making their decisions and stuff. It's been a joy to watch them grow and to watch them learn and to become the people that they're becoming and to be a part of that. And that's what motivates me to to really do this well and keep those relationships good because I I find so much joy in having time with them and in who they are as adults. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_02 22:54

Well Desiree, thank you for being here today. I appreciate you sharing your uh story or parenting story and how you got into or how you have uh approached parenting adult children with your two boys. So that's going to wrap up this episode of ABC's Apparenting Adult Children. I hope today's conversation gave you some encouragement and practical steps that you can try in your own family. If you found this helpful would you do me a favor, hit that subscribe button, share this episode with a friend who's also navigating the parenting journey and leave a quick review. It really helps others find this podcast. I'd also love to hear your stories. How are you working through these challenges with your adult children? Send me an email at talkpac at proton.me or connect with me on social media. Links are going to be in the show notes. You can also go to my website at parentingadultchildren.org.org you can leave me you can send me a voicemail, you can send me an email, leave reviews, you can see the show schedules, guest profiles and all of that. So to the listening audience I'm gonna say thank you for listening and remember parenting doesn't stop when they turn 18. It just changes shape.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Thank you Desiree thank you please tune in next week for another episode of our podcast on parenting adult children