The Power of Forgiveness: Releasing Resentment and Finding Peace

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And at some point I had uh decided to live my life according to God's will and not my will. And God's will also includes forgiving others. So when you pretend it didn't happen as a child of the seventies, I'd be thinking, Oh, I'm okay. There's not a problem. When in fact there really is. There's a lot of frustration, a lot of resentment, a lot of anger, deep-seated anger and resentment. So you had to get away from pretending it didn't happen and figure out a way to forgive. Hello and welcome to ABC's A Parenting Adult Children podcast. My name is James Moffat, and I will be your host. As a reminder, this growing and grace series comes from my experience as a child of the 70s and how it changed me as a man and eventually a father. So forgiveness without denial. How can I make peace with my past?

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So some of the core themes are forgiveness equals pretending it didn't happen. Grieving the childhood you didn't get, accepting your parents' limitations, letting go of resentment, finding freedom. So the theme is forgiveness, grief, and freedom.

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Mature, faith-centered forgiveness that acknowledges pain without excusing it. Mature, faith-centered forgiveness that acknowledges pain without excusing it. So as a young man, at some point, I became aware of how I felt, really felt, about being a child of the 70s. And the well, just the things I experienced and the lack of my parents demonstrating love towards me and my sister, the perfectionism that was expected, having performance-based acceptance, all of that. And God's will also includes forgiving others.

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Not only forgiving my parents, but forgiving myself. So when you pretend it didn't happen as a child of the 70s, you might be thinking, oh, I'm okay. There's not a problem. When in fact there really is. There's a lot of frustration, a lot of resentment, a lot of anger, deep-seated anger and resentment. So you had to get away from pretending it didn't happen and figure out a way to forgive them.

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And I did. At some point, I did forgive my parents for the things that they did or they failed to do as a parent for not demonstrating love towards me and my sister, not giving me hugs, not telling me it would be okay. Everything's going to be okay. I didn't hear that. The only way anything was going to be okay is if I met their standard of perfection. So I had to learn how to forgive them. And I had to learn how to grieve the childhood I didn't get. I would hear other people reminiscing about their wonderful childhoods, about the family vacations, going to Disneyland, and trips to the beach, and maybe somebody had a log cabin or they had a cabin out in the woods, and they would get away as a family and love on one another, watch movies, have cookouts, and all that. I didn't have any of that. And so I had to learn how to grieve that loss, the loss of a childhood I never had. And I had to learn how to accept that my parents did the best they could with what they had. I had to accept my parents' limitations. Now, I didn't really fully understand what my parents' limitations were until I became an adult, and especially until I became a father with children of my own. That's when I discovered that I didn't have the tools that I needed to demonstrate love towards my children. I did not understand what it was to show grace and mercy and forgiveness to my children. I had to learn how to love them unconditionally versus conditionally. So I had to accept my parents' limitations. I had to let go of my resentment, and I had to find freedom. What was my freedom? My freedom was I was no longer angry at them. I was no longer bitter. I was able to move on. I was able to reshape and reform my adulthood. What defined me as a man would define me as a father. So forgiveness, grief, and freedom. Mature, faith-centered forgiveness that acknowledges pain without excusing it. Let me say that again. Mature, faith-centered forgiveness that acknowledges pain without excusing it. What my parents did in the 70s was wrong. What my parents did or did not do as parents to me and my adopted sister was wrong.

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And when I forgave them, it's not that I excused it.

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It was just I took all of that anger and bitterness and resentment and hurt, and I placed it at the foot of the cross, and I gave it to someone who is better able to handle those things. It's not my job. We're within my capability as a man to understand all of that and to internalize it. I had to give that to Jesus and let him handle it. And it was through Christ and through my faith in Christ and the gift of grace on the cross at Calvary that I was able to forgive them. Because God forgave me. God forgave me for the sins, all my sins, past, present, and future. And I'm not going to heaven because I'm good or I'm qualified or I've earned it. No. I'm going to heaven because Jesus died on the cross and he provided grace for mankind. And he's merciful towards us. And I'm very thankful for that. And because of that, I am able in turn to extend grace and mercy towards my parents and to forgive them for the things they did and did not do. Forgiveness and pretending it didn't happen. This is an important distinction because many adult children confuse forgiveness with minimizing the damage.

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Forgiveness pretending it didn't happen. This is an important distinction because many adult children confuse forgiveness with minimizing the damage. You can't minimize the damage. The damage is already done.

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It was already done. It was something I was living with. So I had to learn how to forgive them. And it's not the kind of forgiveness that says, okay, well, I'll forgive you, but I'll never forget what you did to me. Is that really forgiveness?

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No. Is that a Christ-like forgiveness? No.

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You have to forgive your parents, or anybody for that matter, that hurts you or harms you or belittles you. You have to you have to forgive and forget. You have to try to forget what happened. That doesn't mean that you're foolish or that you're a doormat and you allow people to hurt you over and over again the same way.

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You gain some wisdom. But forgiveness is not pretending it didn't happen.

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This is an important distinction because many adult children confuse forgiveness with minimizing damage.

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Forgiveness is not denial.

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You can forgive and still acknowledge deep wounds. Forgiveness does not automatically restore trust or closeness. Some parents never apologize. Forgiveness may still be necessary for your own healing.

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Boundaries and forgiveness can exist together. So if you're a child of the 70s and your parents are still with you or still here, living on God's green earth, they may not believe that they did anything wrong.

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They may not, they may never apologize to you. They may never come to you and say, hey, I'm sorry for what I did or did not do. How I handled myself, how I handled you, how I made you feel, how you didn't weren't able to feel for the childhood that you missed out on. Because we were monsters. No, I'm kidding. Our parents weren't monsters.

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They were just raising us the best way they knew how with the tools that they had. Forgiveness does not automatically restore trust or closeness.

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Some parents never apologize. Forgiveness may still be necessary for your own healing.

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Boundaries and forgiveness can exist together. Many of you likely feel guilty for still hurting.

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This theme gives you permission to tell the truth without your childhood, about their childhood while still pursuing peace. Let me say this again. Many listeners, you, may likely feel guilty for still hurting. This theme gives you permission to tell the truth about your childhood while still pursuing peace.

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Pain doesn't necessarily just magically go away. Some wounds are deep. Sometimes it takes time to heal. Jesus never denied suffering or injustice.

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Biblical forgiveness is rooted in releasing vengeance, not rewriting history. Forgiveness is often a process, not a one-time emotional event. Remember what I said that child children of the 70s, back then that, you know, one of the one of the themes was men don't cry. Well, not only men didn't cry, but boys didn't cry either.

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You were perceived as weak if you cried, if you showed emotion.

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Forgiveness is often a process, not a one-time emotional event. Self-healing sometimes requires therapy. Sometimes it requires digging down deep into your emotions and looking at those wounds honestly and talking through those situations or those events with somebody else, with a mentor, with a pastor, with a psychologist, a family therapist, whoever that might be. It's okay. It's okay to need to talk about the things that are on the inside. Self-care is not selfish. I've always we've always reiterated that in many of our podcast episodes, especially when it comes to moms and mothers.

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Self-care is not selfish. If you need it, get it. Go get it. Because until you until you practice self-care, you're not going to be able to help your children.

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You're not going to be able to be the balanced, well-rounded individual, person, parent, mom, or dad that you need to be.

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So forgiveness is often a process, not a one-time emotional event. Grieving the childhood you didn't get.

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So on Father's Refuge podcast, that podcast is about grieving, about loss. And sometimes it's a loss of a loved one, a loss of a child, a loss of a spouse, a loss of a parent, a loss of a grandparent, loss of a career, all sorts of things. We as humans and adults, we experience loss.

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And that loss creates grief and it creates pain. It creates anguish.

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So when we when we realize, when we come to the realization that we didn't have a childhood, like I didn't, I didn't have a good childhood. I had a horrible childhood. You'd be amazed at some of the things that our parents did to us mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and physically. But that's not what this series is about. It's not about telling you about those horrible things because the past is in the past. It's gone. I've forgiven. I've grown, I've healed. So I don't want to talk about those things because it doesn't really serve a good purpose.

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A lot of adult children never realize they were carrying grief. Not just anger. There's six stages to grief. One of those stages is anger. One of them is denial. One of them is bargaining. One of those is anxiety.

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Grief can cause a lot of anxiety, can make us anxious. When you're suffering from grief and you're suffering all of those emotions, all six stages. When we lost our child, one of our, well, we lost two children, but when we lost our daughter Jessica to cancer back in 2001, I experienced all six levels of grief.

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The full kaleidoscope experience. I didn't miss one. Grief is different for different people.

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So a lot of adult children never realized they were carrying grief, not just anger. Grieving the emotionally safe childhood you wanted. Mourning the absence of affection, protection, guidance, or validation. Mourning the absence of affection, protection, guidance, or validation. Realizing adulthood doesn't erase childhood wounds.

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Adulthood is difficult. Can I hear an amen? Adulting is difficult. Adulting can be pretty heavy. There's a lot of responsibilities. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially all sorts of things. Adulting. Realizing adulthood doesn't erase childhood wounds. Don't ignore them. If you have childhood wounds, as I heard in another podcast recently, deep father wounds. I've never heard of that statement before.

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Realizing adulthood doesn't erase childhood wounds. The pain of watching other families experience what you longed for. This is where you as a listener often feel seen for the first time.

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The grief is not childish. It's human. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to exercise exercise self-care.

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It's okay for you to look at yourself and realize that you have issues that you need to deal with. There are emotions that you need to deal with. There are mental there's mental anguish and anxiety that you need to deal with.

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There's emotional pain that you need to deal with. This is where you, the listener, a child of the 70s, often feel seen for the first time.

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The grief is not childish, it's it's human.

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God meets people honestly in grief throughout Scripture. That's right, the b the Bible talks about working through grief.

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God meets people honestly in grief throughout Scripture. Grief acknowledged is healthier than pain suppressed.

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Grief acknowledged is healthier than pain suppressed, suppressed. So why is grief acknowledged healthier? Well, let's just put it this way.

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If you have a problem and it's affecting your life, it can be any kind of problem. It can be financial in nature, it can be emotional in nature, it can be relational in nature, it can be spiritual in nature. If you have a problem and you haven't dealt with it, it's going to affect your life in a negative way. And it's not just going to magically go away. You can't tough it out. You can't just get tough and tough it out. That's what guys like to do. That's what dads and fathers like to do. We just push that stuff deep down inside and we just suck it up, buttercup.

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Like Clint Eastwood. Well, the only way that we can handle that grief or those deep father wounds is to acknowledge that it's there.

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You have to acknowledge the problem. Before you can solve the problem, you have to acknowledge it. You have to acknowledge it. You have to bring it to the surface.

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You've got to put it right there in the palm of your hand and go, there's a problem. Maybe you have to, maybe you have to put your the palm of your hand out and go, wow, that's what's been bugging me all this time.

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You look at it, you acknowledge it, and then you can figure out a solution to fix it. Grief acknowledged is healthier than pain suppressed. Healing often begins when we we stop pretending we are fine.

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Your buddies ever ask you, how are you doing? Oh, I'm fine.

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I'm fine. That's a defensive wall we put up, right? We're like, oh I'm a tough guy. I've got a I've got a I've got a reputation to uphold.

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I'm a tough guy. I don't cry. I don't have problems. I'm just fine. Healing often begins when we stop pretending we're fine.

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So let's ex let's talk about, let's dive into accepting your parents' limitations. Acceptance is different from approval. Your parents may have given all they were capable of giving. Your parents may have given all they were capable of giving. And as a child of the 70s, what did parents give?

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A roof over your head, food on your plate during mealtime, new school clothes, new school books, transportation to school, health care.

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Did I say a roof over your head? Yeah, I probably did. But they were parents of the 70s were great at providing physical needs. And I'm thankful for that. Don't get me wrong. I was adopted out of an orphanage in Germany. We didn't have a whole lot. If you've ever heard the saying being tr uh poorer than a church mouse, well, I was a mouse that was out in the gutter somewhere. I didn't even have a church to live in. That's how That's how bad off we were. Boys at the age of eight had to go out into the world and find a job, some kind of job doing something. I don't know what an eight-year-old boy in Ausschaffenberg, Germany, would have found back in the 1960s. But you would have to go out and you'd have to earn a living of some kind. And guess what? Then you would come back to the orphanage and you'd have to share your earnings with the rest of the kids. So when I say I'm very thankful for the physical recruitments or whatever it's called, the things that my parents provided for me and my sister physically, I'm very thankful for that because life could have been a whole lot worse for us. So your parents may have given all they were capable of giving.

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Hurt people often parent from their own unresolved wounds. My parents, parents of the 70s, they didn't have great childhoods. And I know that from the stories they told me.

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They did not have the emotional tools in their toolbox to deal with their own unresolved issues and themselves, much less be able to teach us kids emotional awareness, show mercy, grace, forgiveness, none of that stuff. Because they didn't have it. They did not have it. So they had to parent us the best way they knew how. And how was that? How did they parent us? They parented us the way they were parented. Parents may have given all they were capable of giving, giving. Hurt people often parent from their own unresolved wounds. Have you ever heard the statement parents hurt hurt people hurt people? Let me say that again. Hurt people lash out at others and hurt them. A lot of times they don't mean to do that. They don't mean to say ugly things. They don't mean to do ugly things. They just do. And they're doing that out of because they're experiencing pain themselves. You don't know how to love somebody if you're always in pain. Understanding context can soften bitterness without excusing behavior. I, as a baby boomer, as an adult that turned 65 this year, I can look back and I can forgive my parents. I can forgive my parents for who they were and what they did or did not do. Because I understand they had unresolved issues themselves. And they didn't, they were, they they did not have loving parents that modeled being loving towards children.

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Their parents didn't demonstrate love towards them. So how could they do that for me? Emotional immaturity, addiction, trauma, fear, or absence may have shaped them. Emotional immaturity, addiction, trauma, fear, or absence.

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Let's talk about those things a little bit. Emotional immaturity, what does that mean? That means that you're just not mature emotionally. You don't have those emotional tools in your toolbox. You weren't raised. You weren't raised with the ability to forgive, to show compassion, to show mercy, to understand, to understand what was happening to you.

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Addiction. Let's talk about pain. Why is addiction so rampant in this world?

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Because people are hurting. And while people are hurting, they look for a way to massage that pain.

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They look for a way to ignore that pain or to make it go away temporarily. Porn addiction? Pornography? Addiction to money? Addiction to power?

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Why do you think we have fathers that are chasing the American dream and doing everything they can to climb that ladder of success in corporate America?

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Being absentee fathers, physically and emotionally, because they're they're addicted to what those things bring. Power, prestige, standing, validation, money, things. People are addicted to alcohol. People are addicted to all sorts of drugs.

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People are addicted to sex. Technology. Oh my God, let's not talk about technology. How can people be addicted to technology? Screen time.

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Why do people sit around and scroll? Scroll TikTok, Instagram, all those things. We're looking for an escape.

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Technology gives us a dopamine hit, and so we become addicted to that dopamine hit and we want more and more of it. And as time goes on, it takes more and more of that thing to give us that dopamine hit.

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So emotional immaturity, addiction, trauma, fear, or absence may have shaped your parents. So you, as a child of the seventies, may wrestle with why couldn't they just love me well? Why was I not enough? Why was I not perfect enough for them?

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Your limitations may have had more to do with their brokenness than your worth.

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Your parents' limitations may have had more to do with their brokenness than your worth. So let's talk about faith-centered perspective.

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Compassion grows when we recognize shared human brokenness. Grace does not erase accountability. Grace does not erase accountability. You can extend grace to people that hurt you, whether that be your family, friends, relatives, coworkers, parents, you can extend grace towards them. But that does not relieve them of their accountability for what they did to you.

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Remember about not being somebody's doormat?

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And it's not our, as the victim, it's not our role in life to teach them that accountability of something that they have to learn. They have to be accountable to their actions. Acceptance can loosen unrealistic expectations that keep people trapped. Acceptance can loosen unrealistic expectations that keep people trapped. Letting go of resentment, resentment often feels protective, but eventually becomes exhausting. Let me say that again.

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Resentment often feels protective, but eventually becomes exhausting. If you resent somebody, you don't like them.

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And something that they have done or not done has caused you to build a wall of resentment that does not let them through to do that again. You know, what do you do if you don't like somebody?

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Or what do you do if somebody hurts you? You build a wall. You become defensive. You resent them. You're angry. Bitterness can quietly shape identity and relationships.

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Holding on to anger may feel justified, but still become destructive. Holding on to anger may feel justified, but still become destructive. Now, what does that mean? How many times in our lives as adults have we been angry with children, spouses, family members? You know, you'll have a you'll have a family spat or something will happen. Who knows? Something will happen and you're you're angry at that person for years. And guess what? That anger's not going to hurt that other person because they don't even know about it. They don't even know you're angry about something. Maybe they don't even know that you did something or they did something to you, said something that was cruel or unusual.

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Who knows? The problem is that the anger that you hold within yourself is destructive to you.

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Not to them. They don't know. They're oblivious to it. Some of them. Or maybe some people may think or have an idea that they hurt you, but then they forget. You know, time rolls on, minutes turn into hours, hours turn into days, days turn into years. Then they forget you haven't forgotten because you're the one that was hurt. So holding on to anger may feel justified, but still become destructive. Resentment often masks deeper hurt and disappointment.

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Letting go is not weakness.

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It's emotional and spiritual maturity. Let go of it. If you've got resentment, if you have unresolved resentment in your heart toward your parents, parents of the 70s, people that we may perceive as monsters, you have to let it go.

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Let go of that resentment. Forgive them. Do yourself a favor and resent them. Letting go is not weakness, it's emotional and spiritual maturity.

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This is where many listeners may realize I don't want my wounds controlling the rest of my life. I don't want my wounds controlling the rest of my life. That could be a statement of affirmation for you right now. You may be listening to what I'm saying. You may be recognizing that you have wounds, unresolved resentment or wounds or pain from your childhood that you have not let go of. Let go of it. Go to God and ask Him to help you with it. Pray to God and say, Dear Jesus, please help me with this resentment. Please help me to forgive my parents where they hurt me.

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Please forgive me for not forgiving them.

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Forgive me for not forgiving my parents. Forgive me for the anger and resentment that I've held in my heart towards them.

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Release me from that. Because I don't want my wounds controlling the rest of my life. Scripture repeatedly warns about bitterness because it spreads internally.

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Forgiveness is often about releasing the burden to God. Freedom comes when revenge no longer owns your emotional energy. It takes a lot of emotional energy to be resentful and angry towards somebody.

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Makes it hard to sleep at night. So finding freedom. Talking points.

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Freedom is not changing the past. It's no longer living in prison by it. Freedom is not changing the past. We can't change the past. But it's also not no longer living in prison by it. Healing may look quieter than people expect.

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Peace often comes gradually. You can become a healthier parent, spouse, friend, and person despite your upbringing.

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Remember what I said in the last couple of episodes that I had I started listening to James Dobson, who's a Christian psychologist. He had a lot of wisdom when it came to being a believer in Jesus and being a good parent and having good parenting skills. And he helped me to undo some of the damage that my parents did to me and my sister. So you can become a healthier parent, spouse, friend, and person despite your upbringing. And if you're sitting here listening to this and you're wondering, you're thinking, oh my God, wow, all this resentment and anger towards my parents or people that have hurt me.

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Could be an employer, it could be a coworker, it could be a close friend, anybody. You've got to let that stuff go.

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You've got to ask, you have to go to the people that you've hurt. Say, hey, this is not an excuse, but this is why I said what I said and did what I did, and I'm sorry. And I recognize that it hurt you.

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You might need to say that to your children. ABC's apparenting adult children talks about that. Talks about being vulnerable, about being humble, showing humility and vulnerable vulnerability to your children. Hey, we're human, we're not perfect. We are human, not perfect.

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So go to your kids. If you recognize the fact that you have caused some resentment and anger in your children because of the way you've treated them or have not treated them, go to them and just say, hey, can I talk to you about what happened the other day?

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Last week, last year.

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This is what I did, and I realized that it was wrong, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry how that it affected you. And you realize that that you're saying you're sorry is not going to totally erase their memory of that. But it will go a long way towards providing healing for you and for them.

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And they ultimately will respect you for that, especially as adult children. Healing may look quieter than people expect.

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Peace often comes gradually. You can become a healthier parent, spouse, friend, and person and person despite your upbringing.

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I would like to think that I have become a better person, a better spouse, a better parent, a better friend. Because I've gotten some healing. You as a listener need to have hope. You are not doomed to repeat every cycle. You are not doomed to repeat every cycle.

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God can redeem painful family histories. Freedom includes emotional honesty, healthy boundaries, and spiritual growth. Forgiveness can create space for joy again.

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Forgiveness can create space for joy again. Here's a closing thought.

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Forgiveness doesn't erase the scars of childhood, but it can keep those scars from defining the rest of your life. Real freedom begins when we stop carrying the weight that was never ours to hold forever.

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Forgiveness doesn't erase the scars of childhood. But it can keep those scars from defining the rest of your life.

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My earbud just fell out of my head. How you like that? And yes, my nose itched, and sometimes I rub it, and I'm sorry. I'm just human. I'm just being real. Forgiveness doesn't erase the scars of childhood, but it can keep those scars from defining the rest of your life. Real freedom begins when we stop carrying the weight that has never ours to hold forever. All right, well, that's it for episode four. I hope you got something out of it. Thank you for the privilege of your time. Share these growing in grace episodes, season three on ABCs of Parenting Adult Children with friends and family and co-workers that might need to hear it. Also go to the go to my website, parentingadultchildren.org, common spelling, parentingadultchildren.org. At the very top of the webpage, you'll see that I created a parent survey. Please click on that link. It'll take you to a Google form. There's like nine or ten questions that I ask. Some of them are fill in the blank, some of those are multiple choice. Some of them have check boxes where you can you can check multiple options. And yes, I do ask you for your email address. That's just so that I can stay in touch with you. I am not going to spam you. I do my best to be respectful of your time. All right, and your resources online. So thank you for being here. Thank you for being a listener to ABC's Parenting Adult Children podcast, and I will talk to you later. Bye bye.