When Feelings Feel Big: Helping Your Adult Children Feel Safe With Their Emotions

James Moffitt (00:01.312)
Welcome to ABC's of parenting adult children, the podcast where we dive into the joys, challenges, and lessons of parenting beyond childhood. I'm your host James Moffitt. And today I'm joined by the insightful Jacinta field. I say your name right?

J - Happy Souls Kids (00:15.534)
That is correct, James. It's a little bit of a tongue twister. It's Jacinta and like Samantha and Jacinta put together. So Jacinta, but everyone calls me Jay. All the kids in practice call me Jay, it's much easier.

James Moffitt (00:24.244)
Okay, Jay, welcome back to the podcast. I'm glad that you're here. know you're in, you said you're in Sydney, Australia, Melbourne, Australia.

J - Happy Souls Kids (00:31.754)
In Melbourne. Yeah. In Melbourne, Australia. Yep. That is correct.

James Moffitt (00:37.506)
All right. So, why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself to the listening audience, please.

J - Happy Souls Kids (00:42.86)
Okay. So my name's Jacinta. I have a business called Happy Souls Kids. So I've been in a healing journey for about 20 years. I started meditating 20 years ago in a time where we were all partying and it wasn't very, it wasn't the thing to do back then. And I, I went and saw a meditation teacher and because I wasn't able to express my feelings back then, I was masking them with going out and drugs and all of these things and partying and alcohol and

I just knew that that wasn't the person that I wanted to be. So my meditation teacher just got me to draw. She started asking me just to draw, to draw images and colors and getting things out of my body. And then I was starting to be able to express how I was feeling. Now I went through this journey and in and then I started studying IIN, so Integrative Nutrition. And that's where I learned about health coaching and different things about my body and what I was putting in my body and on my body. So I was on a real healing journey.

Then in 2019, 2020, we separated. My son started school and it was COVID all at the same time and he was not okay. He was throwing bins around the house. He was running up the street. His emotions were so well beyond anything I could support at the time. So I started studying as much as I could to be able to support my own child through his big feelings, through his big emotions. And I got him to start drawing circles. So rather than expressing exactly how he was feeling, we just did circles. So I said to him, okay.

Pretend that these are faces and rather than expressing to me exactly how you're feeling, can you just put in the emotion that you're feeling? And so he started putting in like disappointed, angry, upset, and he put the feeling into the emotions. And then we talked about it and we broke it down a little bit further. Hey, can you tell me what's making you feel a little bit disappointed? And obviously there was a separation and how hard he was finding it. And then, you know, even he put happy sometimes say, can you tell me what's making you feel happy? He said,

that I've got a Nintendo. So I started getting my own child to express how it was a feeling and really relating to the feelings that he was feeling at the time. Then during COVID, I saw that kids couldn't gain access to psychologists. There was a six to 12 month wait, which unfortunately is how it is today.

J - Happy Souls Kids (02:57.602)
And I knew that I could be of service with everything that I was doing because it absolutely broke my heart. There were so many families and children out there that really needed to start expressing themselves. They needed support. They needed someone to talk to and they just didn't have that. So during COVID when we sold our house, we moved to the beach in Victoria, just because I know that my soul and his soul needed some healing. And so we moved and I started studying to become a family child counselor, art therapist. I've studied play therapy.

And I really started using the modalities and the things that I had learned with my own son in practice. I'd learned a lot about healing. The healing itself during my studies was actually more for me as well. I had a lot of healing to do. When you separate, it's a really hard time because a lot of your own stuff comes up as well. And it's really challenging. So I had a private practice in Torquay for four years where I went, learnt the pain points that children and families were facing. And so,

I was in practice with one of the kids one day and I said, Hey, do you want to do some meditation? He just rolls his eyes at me. said, you know, LeBron James meditates and instantaneously he wanted to meditate straight away. I knew that there was so much more to Happy Souls kids. I loved my practice so much. Like I just loved engaging with the kids. The kids used to call me the slime lady because we would use slime and different modalities to be able to process our big feelings and emotions or we'd have sand tray or they were really in control of the session. So when they came in, I would say, Hey,

I want every part of you here. Every single part of you is completely and utterly welcome. I want every part. And so sometimes they would choose to play chasey. And so we would go to the backyard and play chasey or sometimes they would choose to be on the sand tray. It was whatever their body needed at the time. They knew internally what they would need or we do breath work or we'd play games or we'd play karaoke, whatever they needed was, what would come up during those sessions.

And so then last year, so in 2024, I just had to make a really hard decision to build Happy Souls Kids into something beyond a practice. So we moved back to Melbourne in Victoria, and I've been working on it ever since where we were launching an app, which is everything that I do in private practice, but utilizing kids heroes. So utilizing athletes, celebrities.

J - Happy Souls Kids (05:15.552)
even YouTubers, people that are of influence for children, because the influence that I had as a counselor was really obvious. imagine a child seeing their favorite hero talking about feelings and emotions that helps a child really relate to how they're feeling. It helps them connect. Because James, if somebody sees somebody win a gold medal, they'll be like, my God, they're so talented. And you're like, they are so talented, but you haven't seen the journey for them to get there.

You haven't seen the lack of self-worth. You haven't seen how hard it is. You haven't seen the emotions that they've felt when they've lost. And so we tell those real authentic stories so a child can go, there's nothing wrong with me. I get it. I'm just having a feeling or I'm having a really big day. And it's through all of those processes of really relating through relating. We've done our beta testing and we built a website which you're seeing right now. And during that website,

The feedback was that it's really not that exciting for children, like why would children go to a website? So we've made it a gamified app. So it's a cross between Duolingo masterclass and the Calm app, where it's now a gamified platform where we give kids access to the fun, to the excitement and make it more gamified for them. So through their learning, they have different levels to go to. They have different

they have different questions to answer and it's done in a really fun way. I'll give you an example. So we have, for instance, what is mindfulness? And there's three answers to that. One of them is being in the present moment. The next one is dancing with a squirrel on the moon. And the next one is being able to connect to their deeper feelings with a unicorn dancing in glitter. So they're really fun answers and questions for kids to be able to relate to.

James Moffitt (06:42.305)
Thank

J - Happy Souls Kids (07:01.964)
Now we're in our prototype phase at the moment. So we're doing our beta testing. And so we're looking for psychologists and mental health workers at the moment. And James, I will send it to you as well. And so we really want some feedback from people of what they're relating to children, what's working, what's not working, et cetera. So that's kind of the journey of Happy Cells Kids.

James Moffitt (07:20.45)
Alright, so-

Okay, I think that's the world's longest introduction, but that's fine.

J - Happy Souls Kids (07:26.734)
I'm a big talker.

James Moffitt (07:31.35)
I was wondering if you were going to start to breathe at some point.

J - Happy Souls Kids (07:35.977)
I'm breathing now. I teach you all the kids.

James Moffitt (07:36.226)
That was a lot of words. Hey, so do you have a different website to that I can bring up other than this one or it's not available yet?

J - Happy Souls Kids (07:43.95)
It's not available yet to public, James, but I will send it to you in the back end. so let me just send it to you. Yeah, I'll send it to you after the podcast, but it is kind of more gamified up because we're still going through our testing phase of what's not working. And we're also really working with children. So it's a platform built with kids, for kids. My 10-year-old is my co-founder.

James Moffitt (07:48.62)
Okay.

That's fine.

J - Happy Souls Kids (08:11.692)
So we're really working together to be able to make it really exciting for children.

James Moffitt (08:18.036)
So this episode title is going to be called Emotions Are Not the Enemy Teaching Children to Feel Without Fear.

J - Happy Souls Kids (08:24.43)
Yep, emotional muscles.

James Moffitt (08:25.996)
So let's dig into this. I appreciate the introduction there and that was a lot of information. So what led you into the world of emotional development and resilience in children?

J - Happy Souls Kids (08:41.902)
I think it was my own journey. I think it was my own journey, James. I think that I've been through a lot. I've experienced a lot of traumas in life and I don't have judgment towards other people experiencing traumas because I've really experienced a lot of my own. I think that we go through different stages in life and it's really important that we heal in different modalities. So I think that my own journey I've gone through a lot, but I've always known and been taught

James Moffitt (08:42.166)
Or did you already tell me all that?

J - Happy Souls Kids (09:11.81)
that my experiences and what I've gone through and the way that I process things help other people.

James Moffitt (09:20.281)
What's one piece of parenting advice you've changed your mind about over the years?

J - Happy Souls Kids (09:24.942)
This is a tough one for me at the time, but it was giving my son more control. It was really filling into him as a parent and allowing him to make choice rather than having hierarchy over him. work together. It's having a communication device together and making sure that we really communicate. I think that that's really important with our kids rather than because I said so, they need to know why. So explaining to children why.

I think when it comes to communication and giving kids control, it's really important. And when I first started doing this, it was really hard for me. You know, my own fears, my own control started coming up. And so I had to really move through that and push through it. And it's not an easy thing to do.

James Moffitt (10:09.888)
Right. So what's something that made you laugh or brought you joy this week?

J - Happy Souls Kids (10:14.926)
Definitely my son, he had a really terrible accident about a month ago. and he fell off his bike and he had to have surgery and it was, quite challenging for him. Like it was, it was, it was big. was horrific. It was one of those moments that just stops your breath for a couple of days. And it was him last night. said to me, mommy, can you come into my room and have a dance party? So he had the lights going in his room and, and we did a dance party together. And I think that that's something that really

was a moment that I'll always remember.

James Moffitt (10:47.198)
Aww, that's nice.

J - Happy Souls Kids (10:48.526)
Hmm.

James Moffitt (10:50.364)
why is emotional development so crucial in childhood?

J - Happy Souls Kids (10:57.12)
If I had have learnt the tools, James, that I know now as a child, my life would be very different. I have always been a big people pleaser and I've always cared too much about what other people think. I haven't had very strong boundaries. I've wanted everyone to like me. And I think that that's also been to my detriment. I have found it hard. would take things personally. Rejection sensitivity disorder and...

I think that teaching kids that it's not always about them. Sometimes it's about the person that is throwing things. As I talk to kids in practice about, is it if somebody's feeling really strong inside, they're not going to bully another child. If that person has got some turmoil going on, they try and get that out of their body and they try to put it on another child. And I think that's really important for a child to know that it's, it's not them.

Sometimes children can be not very nice, but if they just realize that they have the opportunity to not take on the words of other children, I think that that changes the trajectory of a child. Now, it's not always easy to do. It's easy to say, of course, and then somebody says something to you that doesn't make you feel very good. But if we learn these lessons now as a child, it can really help them through life to really follow their dreams and their passions and who they are as human beings without being pulled down by other people.

James Moffitt (12:25.388)
What does emotional resilience look like in real life in a toddler, a teen, or an adult?

J - Happy Souls Kids (12:31.374)
you know, there's this big discussion around when a child reaches a certain age, they shouldn't have tantrums or they shouldn't cry. But James, have you had a tantrum as an adult?

James Moffitt (12:46.69)
of many moons ago,

J - Happy Souls Kids (12:49.144)
Yeah, you know, these are tantrums, feelings, their emotions, and it's helping people express them in different ways. And so we mightn't think that we're having these big feelings, but then we might get a glass of alcohol. Now I stopped drinking nine years ago, but grabbing a glass of alcohol and drinking that, and that's masking our emotions. So children are just expressing their emotions. So they're getting them out of their body in different ways, but it's uncomfortable for parents.

it's really uncomfortable for parents because they haven't worked out the ways to be able to express their own feelings and emotions. And so when their child does it, they're like, this is uncomfortable. I don't like this feeling. But they're just expressing who they are what they've got going on. So if we can teach kids to express it in healthy way rather than, I'll give you an example.

When a child might be rushed out the door, they're not ready to disconnect from you. They feel like that they're being pushed out of the door to go to school. They get to school, their mom or dad accidentally yells at them because they're running late for work and you know, it's obviously the child's fault. And so they go into school, they're already not feeling good. They sit down and then they haven't done their homework because it was too hard for them. Then the teacher shames them. Then they go to recess and one of their friends says, I don't want to be friends with you anymore. And then they're like, my God, this is big. And then they get to lunchtime and they forget their lunch.

then again in the afternoon they go to the wrong classroom and they get shamed by their teacher. You pick him up in the afternoon and you say, hey, how's your day? And they just like, they just say, hey, can we go get some ice cream? And you say no. And then they're like.

It wasn't about the ice cream. It was just that is a way that they have learned to comfort themselves and we're saying no. And so it was actually about their whole day. It was about the layers of their day that have really accumulated over time that the child has found it really hard to express and process. So one thing I suggest parents to do is when their child at the end of the day say, tell me two things you liked about today and one thing that you didn't because they're not always gonna have good days at school.

J - Happy Souls Kids (14:52.728)
quite often will ask a kid, hey, how you feeling? And they'll say good. And that's because they don't feel comfortable expressing the actual things that have happened in their day or they might remember or mightn't be big for them. But it is there somewhere. So the more that we can teach children about feelings and the more that we can invite those conversations into our life and into our family, it's really important to be able to relate. And that starts with the parent. Tell the children that you've had a bad day.

James Moffitt (15:21.932)
So I have to go back to the question. It says, what does emotional resilience look like in real life for a toddler, a teen, or an adult?

J - Happy Souls Kids (15:25.848)
Mm-hmm.

J - Happy Souls Kids (15:34.794)
It looks like big feelings and emotions and expressing them and being able to relate to them in different ways. I think when it comes to resilience, resilience is one of those things that it's, it's tough. It's you get knocked down and you get back up again. But resilience is, challenging, but it happens in everyday life when they, when it starts with a toddler. If we can just really see that child for who they are.

and we can express their feelings if we can help them express their feelings at a really young age and make them realize that it's okay. That helps their resilience. That helps them realize that it's okay. My son, we've always talked about feelings and emotions and they're very normalized in our household. And so during the process of him just having an accident, he was very resilient during that entire process because if he needed to cry, I let him cry.

If he needed to express how he was feeling, I let him express how he was feeling. And so I think resilience is made in the day-to-day work, not the resilience isn't necessarily made by teaching a child that they need to push through and get over it and eat concrete and harden up. It's actually in the everyday lessons where a child can learn, hey, it's okay. You've got a big feeling and that's okay. And I think it's important to learn that resilience is made by seeing and hearing and valuing a child.

from the get-go, even when they're toddlers.

James Moffitt (17:00.364)
So do you think that the world that we are in is not geared towards allowing children or even adults for that matter express their feelings?

J - Happy Souls Kids (17:15.564)
I think that we're getting better, James. The world is definitely getting better. People are looking for a different way to parent their children now than they used to. I think a lot of parents are going, the way that I was parented is not working. I've spent my adult life dealing with my childhood because I wasn't related to in a way that I needed. Now that's not my mom and dad's fault. That's just that that's the capabilities that they had. But I can make those changes for my own child. And I can say to him, you know,

I'm finding today hard or, you know, I can express to him different ways for him to be able to relate to himself. So I think the world is definitely getting better, but I also feel that, that there's a long way to go. And it starts with us doing the work on ourselves and feeling and accepting and having more compassion for ourselves and not being so hard on ourselves and really loving every part of us.

I think it starts with us first and then that relates back to our children. So we really need to do the work too.

James Moffitt (18:17.324)
Right, so here's a question that just galloped through my mind as I heard you say that. How can parents constructively manage those emotions? In other words,

J - Happy Souls Kids (18:24.462)
Mm.

James Moffitt (18:38.37)
Do you think that some children might take advantage of your allowing them to express their emotions and possibly become manipulative towards the parents? How would a parent manage that?

J - Happy Souls Kids (18:53.644)
Yeah, I mean, this is, this is a constant conversation that exists of they're just manipulating me or they're manipulating the situation. But James, how does this feel for you? Hey James, how are you feeling today?

James Moffitt (19:11.67)
I feel pretty good.

J - Happy Souls Kids (19:12.844)
Okay, tell me about your day. How was your day?

James Moffitt (19:16.536)
I did as little as possible.

J - Happy Souls Kids (19:19.052)
Was there anything today that you really liked and anything today that you didn't really like?

James Moffitt (19:24.242)
I always liked being around my wife, Katie. And, probably the only thing that I might not have liked was adulting and having to make some tough choices about things, know, housekeeping or, or budgeting or whatever, you know, those sorts of things.

J - Happy Souls Kids (19:39.406)
Thanks.

J - Happy Souls Kids (19:44.65)
the stuff that we don't like completely relate and understand. That's really hard. know, nobody likes to do the tax and the accounting and all of that stuff. Yeah, it's really challenging. It's really challenging. Is there anything else that you've found hard lately?

James Moffitt (19:48.95)
Yeah. Adulting sucks.

James Moffitt (20:00.894)
becoming a senior citizen, facing, facing the last chapter of my life.

J - Happy Souls Kids (20:08.137)
Hmm. Which has been the best chapter in your life? Hmm? Right now.

James Moffitt (20:11.766)
Do what now? Do what? Today, is this the best chapter of my life? Is that what you're asking? I don't know. I'd have to think about that. There's, there's, there's.

J - Happy Souls Kids (20:18.38)
Hmm. Yeah.

James Moffitt (20:30.092)
parts of it that are really good. You know, like being retired now and I have more time on my hands to podcast and write and do photography and talk to wonderful people like you. So that's a, that's a blessing, you know? So yeah.

J - Happy Souls Kids (20:44.27)
That's wonderful. Now imagine that we had this conversation with our children and how soft it is, how welcoming it is, how that they see, seen, heard, valued, understood, rather than yelling and screaming at them for different things.

So, and I've still done it, like that's in my past. Like there was a lot of yelling and screaming and things, even when I first became a parent and I've had to learn to soften. My child will sometimes be like, stop yelling at me. And I'm not even yelling. I'm not even raising my voice. You know, I'm just, I am raising my voice, but I'm not yelling. And I think that that's a really soft way to speak to our kids. The softer that we can be, the more they relate to us. The more that they have a conversation with us, the more that they open to us.

James Moffitt (21:17.601)
Right?

J - Happy Souls Kids (21:30.55)
And because we're hearing them, we're seeing them, we're validating them, we're not telling that they're wrong, we're not trying to change their opinion, we're not trying to fix them, fixing them is a big thing that parents do. And so we're actually just feeling and just having a conversation and just asking them questions, not being prying, just asking them really standard questions. And that's a really nice way to relate to our kids. And if we could always have those conversations and be soft and compassionate,

and understanding and to validate. And this isn't just with our children, this is also with our partners as well. And to really feel in and just validate someone. So when you come back to manipulation and manipulating different situations, I mean, it depends on the household. Is that parent doing it to the child? And is that the language that they've learned? So where are they learning that manipulation from? And so it's also, if you feel manipulated, you go into that with them and you say,

James Moffitt (22:20.17)
Right. Okay.

J - Happy Souls Kids (22:26.146)
This isn't making me feel, this is making me feel a little bit uncomfortable. Could you explain that to me in a different way? And so it's getting to the root of what a child is trying to say. You know, they might say, bring it back to lollies. know, when our kids always having lollies and you know, too many like lollies are great. Lollies are delicious. I love lollies. But you know, if, we're giving kids lots and lots of lollies, then they'll try and hide it because they don't want you to know that they're having lollies. And so it's just having open communication.

James Moffitt (22:54.956)
What is that? What's a lolly? Is that like a lollipop?

J - Happy Souls Kids (22:57.785)
Oh, is that, is that not a universal thing? Sugar treats, know, constant treats. We all love treats. Treats are delicious, but a kid will try and hide something like that if you don't let them have it all of the time. Now that can relate to the smaller stuff when they're little, but then the bigger stuff when they're older. So we want to create a safe place with our kids.

James Moffitt (23:05.813)
Okay, I got you.

J - Happy Souls Kids (23:21.452)
We want to be able to create a space where when the little stuff's happening, hey, can you just be honest with me about that? I don't want you to hide things. And so when they go out and they do the big stuff, like trying alcohol, these little things that happen, they can actually say, hey, mom, I went out and had a drink tonight. I'm like, hey, thanks so much for telling me. So I think the manipulation comes from the openness that we have with our kids and not shaming them because they're going to make mistakes.

They're going to make mistakes, they're going to screw up, they're going to not make great decisions because that's all a part of life. But the more that we can relate and relate to how they're feeling and open that conversation with them, the better.

James Moffitt (24:05.698)
So what are some myths about kids and emotions that you wish would disappear?

J - Happy Souls Kids (24:12.494)
that tantrums are bad. I think that it's an explosion of what they've got going on inside is it's not necessarily about that particular moment. If we do little things throughout the day of connecting, like the world is in turmoil at the moment. There's so much going on. There's inflation. People are finding it really hard. Parents are working harder to be able to support their kids. The kids are actually suffering because they're not showing up for their kids the way that they used to, because they don't have the time because they're trying to pay their bills.

And the only people that are suffering right now with the children, the kids are suffering because we are working so hard and I am too. You know, it's, it's challenging, but I will always make connection time for my son and have those little moments and those little moments of eye contact and sitting together or giving him choice of what he wants to do on the weekend or who he wants to see. You know, do you want to go away? We've got school holidays here in Australia coming up. What do you want to do on your school holidays? And so it's making sure that there's a happy balance between

working too much and also being with your children and having connection time. There's actually studies that have proven that if you give your child 20 minutes of undivided attention and that's not flicking on your phone or thinking about your to-do list, that is being there wholeheartedly with your child, like every part of them. If you get them to go into their world and sometimes that can be Nintendo, I've had a massive block in my life with technology. I thought that I would be an earth mom and we'd go surfing and live in the land. Nope.

That's not my child. My kid is very tech minded. He's very savvy. He knows how it all works. He's got an engineering brain. He's got a 3D printing business. And so I've had to learn to surrender to that. And so we really need to see our kids for who they are. Because otherwise you're going to get that push up against you always constantly. So it's meeting them where they're at and going into their world. Don't expect them to come to yours. Come on, we're going on the weekend. We're going to see Sally in the morning and then we're going to see Peter in the afternoon and then we're going to this person's house for dinner.

So the kid just gets dragged around the whole time. That's not fun for them. Give them some time. Give them some connection time. Not just being in the house together, playing a board game. We are big on board games in my house. Or Nintendo, my son got a Nintendo Switch lately. Just happened to be the week that he had his accident. I mean, it was just such a blessing for us. And so we have Super Mario games all the time because that's me going into his world. And I love it. Like, super competitive. I...

J - Happy Souls Kids (26:37.26)
And I really love it. And he's so well beyond me now. And he beats me every time at the start. I was pretty good. I don't know what happened. So we need to go into our kids world rather than expecting them to always come to us.

James Moffitt (26:50.572)
Why do parents often feel uncomfortable when their kids express sadness, anger, or frustration?

J - Happy Souls Kids (26:56.236)
because the parent was never allowed to.

James Moffitt (26:59.223)
Do what now?

J - Happy Souls Kids (27:00.3)
because the parent was never allowed to express how they were feeling. They were told to eat concrete, harden up, you'll be right, get over it. So that particular parent finds it really challenging when a child is acting that way because they were never allowed to. They were never allowed to cry or let their feelings out. And so now it's the confusion the parents have got. It's like, on a second. The way that we parent is that we tell kids to eat concrete, harden up, that they've just got to get over it and then everything's good because that's what we were taught.

James Moffitt (27:30.338)
Where did you come up with e-concrete?

J - Happy Souls Kids (27:32.36)
is that, is that not, that's a saying in Australia. Is that, is that not universal? This is so funny. Lollies in concrete. Yeah, it is harsh. That's the whole point in it. You know, it is, it's kind of, I can't believe this isn't universal. This conversation is hilarious to me, James, but it's, it's apparent just realizing that a kid's having a feeling or emotion. It's okay. You know, just relate to them, express, just because you don't think that their friend calling them

James Moffitt (27:36.81)
Eat, eat concrete. Yeah. This sounds kind of harsh. Eat your concrete and shut up.

James Moffitt (27:48.886)
That's funny.

J - Happy Souls Kids (28:01.43)
An idiot is big to you, it's big to them. It's realizing that the tiny little things can mean a lot to them. So just let them release that feeling or emotion out of their body, validate how they're feeling, let it come out of their body, validate, validate, validate, express it and then let it go.

James Moffitt (28:19.02)
So I have a child psychologist that comes on the show from time to time. He's really good. And he talks about emptying out, the process of emptying out, and how parents should allow their child, typically, you know, an adult.

J - Happy Souls Kids (28:23.469)
Mm-hmm.

J - Happy Souls Kids (28:28.718)
Mm-mm.

James Moffitt (28:37.474)
Adult children, yeah, adult children, like between 18 and 30. But this applies to teenagers, preteens, children, whatever. But he talks about the process of emptying out and how we should sit down with our children. I'm a child of the 70s, right, 60s and 70s. And my parents taught me that kids were to be seen but not heard. You don't speak unless spoken to. You sit on the couch or sit on the chair or the floor with your hands in your lap.

You just be a perfect little soldier, right? And...

We were taught to repress emotions. We were taught to repress, know, shove everything down. You know, if you're upset, you're sad, you're angry, you're frustrated. It's not supposed to come out of you. You're supposed to like push that stuff down. And so one of the things that child psychologist talks about is the importance. It's like, it's like, if your child comes to you and you know, they're going through an issue or let's say they, they stayed out late and didn't come home. They broke curfew.

or they went and had a drink or whatever the issue is, right? They, come home and you're dealing with them and they've got all of this stuff repressed, shoved down into their, their emotions. And you can talk to them and you talk at them until you're purple in the face or blue in the face, like a Smurf. but, but until you allow that child to empty themselves out and tell you about those emotions and get it all out on the table, they're not going to hear anything you've got to say.

J - Happy Souls Kids (30:09.4)
Mm.

James Moffitt (30:09.9)
So he talks to, he, what you just said validates what he said or what he says about them emptying themselves out and through that process of emptying themselves out and expressing those emotions and expressing those thoughts and those feelings that gives them validation. And so once they feel validated and they, know that you have heard what they've said, then at that time you can talk to them and go, okay, now this is what I think I just heard you say. Is that correct?

J - Happy Souls Kids (30:38.03)
Mm.

James Moffitt (30:38.53)
And they'll go, yeah, that's exactly what I said. Or no, this is really what I meant. And you can go through all of that and then, and then you can say, okay, so I think I understand where you're at. And that is difficult. Right. And we're not supposed to tell them, well, back when I was your age, you know, I went, I, you know, suck it up buttercup. Cause I went through that too. And I, I survived. Right. We're not supposed to do that. We're supposed to validate their feelings and their experiences.

J - Happy Souls Kids (30:55.118)
I can't write.

J - Happy Souls Kids (31:03.48)
you

James Moffitt (31:04.577)
And once we do that, then they will listen, they will be able to hear what we actually have to say. And obviously we shouldn't be harsh with them. Obviously we should be encouraging and compassionate and kind. And that's not to say that parents can't talk to their children and provide them with feedback or provide them with instruction, right? But we can't do it in such a way that, you know, like my dad was a drill instructor for 26 years and

J - Happy Souls Kids (31:24.856)
Mm.

James Moffitt (31:31.606)
He was very heavy handed and had a temper and was an alcoholic. And so I listened to everything he said for the sole purpose of staying out of his anger, staying off his radar. Right? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I wouldn't hear it in a word. said, I just knew that, that I needed to acknowledge what he said so that he wouldn't backhand me. Right. So that's good stuff.

J - Happy Souls Kids (31:42.99)
you

J - Happy Souls Kids (31:52.238)
you

James, firstly, I'm sorry that that happened with you. I think that it would have been easier if our parents were a different way, but they're not. And that's because of their own childhood and they were doing their best. Second of all, I love your psychologist. What is his name that comes on? I think he's absolutely wonderful and spot on in what he's saying.

James Moffitt (32:12.988)
think his name is Dr. David Marcus. He's, he's on several of my episodes. You'll have to look him up and listen to him. He's very good. David Marcus.

J - Happy Souls Kids (32:19.468)
He's wonderful. Yeah. It's really important that we validate our kids and how nice would it be if your partner or your family validated how you were feeling too, rather than shutting you down and telling you that you're wrong. Because that's what we're all doing to each other. We're all like, you're wrong. I'm right. You're wrong. And it's, it's breaking relationships because people just want to be seen, heard and valued. And it's the same with our kids. Just acknowledge that whatever they are feeling is valid. doesn't matter whether you understand it or not. It is valid.

absolutely valid what they're feeling. And it could be from the smallest thing, from stealing a pencil, you know?

James Moffitt (32:51.276)
So here's a good question.

James Moffitt (32:55.724)
Right. Here's a good question. How can parents begin to unlearn that conditioning?

J - Happy Souls Kids (33:03.232)
is to have more compassion with themselves. You know, you're in the kitchen sometimes and you pour the milk all over the ground and you get really angry with yourself and like, damn it, I can't believe that I did that. And you get so frustrated. It's softening into those moments and saying, that's okay, I made a mistake. That's okay. I made a mistake. It's okay. Yeah, exactly. It's just milk. And so that then teaches our children that when they make a mistake, it's okay. It's rather than getting that aggression and that like,

James Moffitt (33:21.666)
Don't cry over spilled milk.

J - Happy Souls Kids (33:33.218)
big, sepie dragon that comes out of you. It's softening into those moments. It's taking a breath and it's realizing, I made a mistake. And the more that you can have compassion and love for yourself and that you can love every part of yourself, the yin and yang, the darker elements and the lighter elements to yourself, the more that you will accept your child. But it starts with you. And it starts with realizing that you are so special the way that you are.

You are so wonderful the way that you are. So it's just really feeling into the person that you are and accepting that, realizing that we all make mistakes. We all have hard days, having compassion and love for the way that you've cheated your children because we all have moments where we get very frustrated and our kids are the ones that suffer. They're the ones that absolutely cop it. And so it's really feeling into that with ourselves first.

James Moffitt (34:27.318)
Do you know why we get upset over spilling milk?

J - Happy Souls Kids (34:29.71)
That's a good question. No, no, you do tell me.

James Moffitt (34:31.746)
Can you guess?

James Moffitt (34:35.458)
It's because it's so freaking expensive. Milk is almost more expensive than gasoline here is here in America. It's like $6 a gallon or five or $6 a gallon. It's flipping expensive. And you're like, Oh my God, I've got to work for another hour and a half to buy it to replace that gallon of milk. just spilled all over the floor. But anyway, no, we, we get angry and frustrated and cry over spilled milk. just, that's just all those repressed feelings bubbling up. You know, it's a, it's an, it's a, a pressure.

J - Happy Souls Kids (34:37.486)
Yeah.

Hmm, really? it's so big.

J - Happy Souls Kids (34:53.002)
It's hard. Yeah, you know that.

James Moffitt (35:05.536)
release. It's like the last straw that broke the camel's back and all of a sudden you're like all this garbage that's going on in your day you're like so anyway yeah good stuff.

J - Happy Souls Kids (35:06.798)
Mm.

J - Happy Souls Kids (35:16.098)
Yeah, that's the moment that I told you about the kids and going to school and having the ice cream. And that's when you, have your tantrum. That's the parents tantrum. That's their moment. You know, another thing to with the kids. Yeah, exactly. The, the dro-, the, the road rage or it's like, it's existing. But one thing I do with children in practice and with my own son is I will give him five minutes and I'll say,

James Moffitt (35:24.224)
Right. That's when we dropped the F bomb. Well, somebody cuts us off in traffic. Dad gum you, idiot.

J - Happy Souls Kids (35:42.626)
You got a lot going on, swear as much as you want for the next five minutes, get everything out of your body that you possibly can. Yell, scream, get angry, hit a pillow. He will put the timer on and you get everything out. And I allow him space to swear because we do it as adults. So we can also do that with ourselves is just give ourselves a time limit of, you know, five, 10 minutes maybe of just like getting it all out.

James Moffitt (35:59.34)
Right, right.

James Moffitt (36:08.866)
There you go. A lot of people have this thing called the curse jar, the cuss jar. Like you can, if you say a curse word, you got to put a quarter in the curse jar. You ever heard of that? Family, some families have that.

J - Happy Souls Kids (36:14.158)
Hmm.

J - Happy Souls Kids (36:18.174)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I have. I have. Yeah. But it's almost, it's just realising, you know, that's a form of expression is swearing. We're like, that's bad. Don't do that. It's like, well, it has its place. Sometimes we're really angry.

James Moffitt (36:22.902)
And that, that jar gets full pretty quick.

James Moffitt (36:35.488)
Right? So how can parents model healthy emotional expression, especially if they didn't grow up with it?

J - Happy Souls Kids (36:43.17)
Hmm. And this is a big one. As parents, we put this big shield on us and we're like, my God, we're so powerful. We're so like Wonder Woman and Superman and we are so powerful. Nothing can break us to our kids. Like I used to think my parents were invincible. Like I was like, okay. They're so, and have so much hierarchy for them. I never used to see the pain that they were suffering because they never showed me. And so was like, you know, as kids, you're like, yeah, your parents are great and everything's wonderful. And then you become an adult and you're like, my gosh, this

pressure and these finances and all of this stuff that we've got going on adulting as you were talking about before, James, it's hard. So I think it's coming home on the dinner table and having open conversations with our kids. Hey, how was your day? my day was okay. Well, my day was actually really hard. I had this thing that didn't work out and I felt really disappointed and a little bit frustrated and I lost a client and that was a bit frustrating for me. But then I had some happy things come in my life and I went to the gym and

I went skipping today and I went to the beach and that made me feel really good. So it's helping our kids understand that we're not invincible because we don't want them to be invincible. We want them to be real and we want them to be authentic. But that starts with us being real and authentic and not necessarily going into the situation. I mean, this happens a lot with co-parenting. We don't need to go into the actual story of what's happening, but we can talk about the feeling that we've got. We can talk about the feelings that are happening for us.

rather than the actual detail and I think that that's important for kids to know so they can relate to themselves exactly what we're doing with Happy Souls Kids and say, there's nothing wrong with me I'm just sad or I'm just angry or I'm just frustrated it's just an emotion that I'm feeling.

James Moffitt (38:25.986)
So what advice do you have for parents who are trying to break the cycle emotionally?

J - Happy Souls Kids (38:33.378)
I think you've got to do work on yourself. think that that's whether that's a form of yoga, whether that's a form of breath work, whether that's a form of a psychologist, whether that's a form of going to see and have talkability and talk to somebody about it. I think that we need to do work on ourselves in some form to release a lot of what we've got going on. I think it's also recognizing

your patterns and your habits. Like sugar has been a really big one for me. Like I don't know, I stopped drinking nine years ago. Social media is also, I know when I'm not feeling good because I will go into a deep dive on social media and I'll be there for an hour and you're like, whoa, where did that hour go? And I know that that's something that I'm not dealing with. Or the same with sugar. Like I'll stop at a petrol station and get sugar. I'm much better now, but.

for the last five years while separating, was big. was so exhausted that I needed the sugar to continue. So it's recognizing what your habits are. Is it a glass of wine? Is it social media? Is it dating too much? it going out with your friends too much? Is it having conversations with them? What are your habits and what are your patterns for what you do when you have big feelings arise that is really uncomfortable for you and you don't wanna feel it?

what is it that you do and then recognizing that there is another way. Maybe it's getting out of journal and journaling, maybe that's screaming into a pillow, maybe that's having your five minutes of going down to the beach and screaming or going into the water and doing whatever you can to get it out. I think that there's many other healthy ways that we need to process with kids. It's slime, it's kinetic sand, which is like, you know, feeling into what's happening. It's getting a sand tray for them. I have this big bot bag that, you you punch and you get things out of your body.

So I think it's important that we all know what our triggers are and we're not shameful to yourselves or to other people to do so. It's also with families and with the other thing that we haven't spoken about today is boundaries. You've got to have boundaries to keep yourself safe. You have got to have boundaries. It is okay to let people go if they're in your life and they are not showing up for you in a way that doesn't make you feel good. It is okay to put boundaries in place.

J - Happy Souls Kids (40:46.132)
Even if it's family, if you don't want to go to a certain circumstance or an event, say no. If you're not in a good place, if you've got stuff emotionally going on, if you're not in a mental health place, don't go. You don't have to go to every single place that you're invited to just because you're invited. Check in with yourself, say, how am I feeling today? And make sure that is where the place that you come from.

because if we are constantly doing things for everybody else the whole time, we're looking after our kids in the morning, we're doing stuff for the bake sale, we're going to this event because it's our friend's birthday and we don't have the energy to go, we're looking at our parents, we're going to family functions, you're going to be resentful in life because you're not showing up for yourself. So it's making sure that you have self-love and you have time for yourself and you make sure that you make yourself a priority.

James Moffitt (41:35.308)
So boundaries and emotional self-care is recurring topics on this podcast for sure. And it's, you know, one of the things that we've always said is that practicing self-care is not selfless or selfish. It's not selfish. If you need to take care of yourself, if you need to take a break and 99.9 % of the time I'm talking to moms, you know, because they are here in America anyway, they are.

J - Happy Souls Kids (41:48.694)
No.

James Moffitt (42:02.37)
probably involved more involved in the children's lives day to day upkeep and maintenance and all of that. And they just, they're just blowing around like a tornado and just don't have time for themselves. And, and they're always focused on taking care of the child's needs. There's nothing wrong with that up until the point that it's causing a problem with them. Right. So go to Starbucks, get a coffee, go listen to music, go to the park, go swimming, do whatever it is that you need to do to get.

J - Happy Souls Kids (42:22.254)
Hmm.

James Moffitt (42:31.49)
re-centered and take care of yourself because our physical and emotional and spiritual parts of our bodies need to be tended to, you know. And if you can't pour into somebody else's life, your cup is empty, right? You've got to fill yourself up and take care of yourself.

J - Happy Souls Kids (42:46.606)
Exactly.

J - Happy Souls Kids (42:51.222)
Otherwise you feel resentful and then your kids cop it.

James Moffitt (42:54.592)
Right. How do early emotional habits show up in our relationships with adult children?

J - Happy Souls Kids (43:01.646)
Our kids are here to trigger us. I'm sorry that that's, our kids are here to trigger us and I'm sorry that that's really hard to hear, but they are, they are our greatest teachers. Nobody can teach us more about ourselves than our partner and our children, mostly our kids. Because they will push up against you or tell you that you're wrong or any of those things. And I think it's really important to express how we're feeling. And I think it's in, in

James Moffitt (43:04.887)
Huh?

James Moffitt (43:17.527)
Right?

J - Happy Souls Kids (43:30.43)
that we really relate to our kids and realize that it is a trigger and it's a part of ourselves that we need to work on. So if something's coming up for us, we need to sit with that. Like, why am I getting so angry in this circumstance? Like, why am I getting so frustrated? What am I feeling? I'm feeling disrespected. Why am I feeling disrespected? Where else in my life does that come up? And I think it's really relating to those different feelings that come up for us. You know, the feelings are coming up. It's...

You're feeling something, you're getting frustrated. Have you looked after yourself as we're just talking about? Is there self-love? What are the elements to you that you need to work on? I think it's important that we realize and appreciate and accept that our kids are our greatest teachers. And once we can understand that, it really changes the trajectory of our parenting to go, I've got some stuff to work on here and it's uncomfortable and I don't want to.

James Moffitt (44:26.882)
There's nothing worse than seeing yourself and your children. Especially the bad stuff, right? The bad habits, the temper, the language, the resentment, the frustration. You're like, you're a chip off the old block. You know how our parents used to tell us, you just wait, you're gonna grow up and have a child just like you.

J - Happy Souls Kids (44:31.534)
Mm.

J - Happy Souls Kids (44:36.654)
Mm.

J - Happy Souls Kids (44:42.382)
Mm.

J - Happy Souls Kids (44:48.128)
And you do. And you know the hardest part, James, I'll take this step even further. When you separate and you see your ex-partner in your child. that's tough. The parts of your ex-partner that you didn't like show up in your own kid and you're like, this is hard to deal with. And that's the stubbornness, like whatever it might be, it's so hard. And that's the triggering part of having to deal with it all over again.

James Moffitt (44:49.634)
Yeah.

James Moffitt (45:04.055)
Right.

J - Happy Souls Kids (45:19.086)
Mm.

James Moffitt (45:20.524)
So here's some wrap up questions. What's one practical step a parent could take this week to support emotional resilience in their child?

J - Happy Souls Kids (45:30.432)
is to validate and listen and not fix. The not fixing is so hard for all of us. We can find the solution.

James Moffitt (45:39.724)
That's our job as a, that's our job as a parent, right? Is to fix. No, no.

J - Happy Souls Kids (45:43.022)
No, our job is to help them fix themselves. And that's the greatest parenting that we can do. So rather than saying, you could do this, this, this, this, why don't you do this? You sit there and you go, well, what could you do? What do you think would make that better? Tell me what, how, how you can show up in a different way or how do you think that you can deal with that situation is getting them to answer not, not you. And that's through mirroring behavior. They will see what you do in those circumstances and they'll be able to do them for themselves.

We don't want to fix our kids. don't want to do too much for them. There's a great book called Raising Boys and there's another one called Raising Girls. And one of the things in there is get your kids to make dinner once a week, give them responsibility. If we go to a restaurant, will say, hey, my son will say, I want some water. I'm like, yeah, no problems. Go up and ask for some water. So we want to teach our kids independence and it's hard. It's hard. want to keep them safe. And there's so much out there at the moment. There's a lot out there in the moment in the news, James, that

that we need to protect our kids, but at the same point we want them to be independent. So it's a bit of a struggle at the moment, but we need to teach them to do things for themselves. Very young in my child's life, when we were doing Lego, he would say to me, mommy, can you do it? And I say, I know you've got this. I'm right here. And if you need help, I'm right here with you. I'm right here beside you, but I want you to do it yourself. Same thing when he was learning how to swing.

say, mommy, can you push me? And I did it for a period of time until he got to an age and I said, you know what, I know that you can do this. And he was so proud of himself when he learned how to do it. So we don't want to do too much for our children. We want to teach them how to do things for themselves. Because they're not always going to be with us. Yeah, they're going to be they're going to go in that big bad world by themselves. And we can teach them about boundaries and being

James Moffitt (47:22.284)
Self-sufficiency.

J - Happy Souls Kids (47:32.232)
you know, showing up for kids and helping kids understand that it's not always about what they're doing. It could be the other person and their feelings and their emotions and stuff that they're projecting onto everyone else. And if we can teach them these lessons as kids, wow. Imagine how different my life would be James.

James Moffitt (47:51.148)
So any favorite books, tools or resources you recommend for parents?

J - Happy Souls Kids (47:58.35)
I'm forever researching and learning. think that there's some really great people out there that have been quite influential on my life. you're putting me on the spot. Lail Stone has a book called, and she's Australian based, really raising resilient and compassionate children. And that's been a really great book for me. She's been a great inspiration. She's got a school here that is on emotional learning. Dr. Becky is wonderful.

Yeah, Raising Boys and Raising Girls is a really great book. There's just so many great resources out there. And I think that we're all a bit confused at the moment, James, because whatever there's out there, there's something to counteract it and counteract what the other person's saying. everybody can come from statistics from a different perspective. But I think it's about you trusting what is right for you as a parent. No parenting coach is going to be right for you. It's you feeling into

the beautiful moments that you know as a parent that are right. And I think that that's the best thing that we can do for our parents is trust our own intuition.

James Moffitt (49:03.788)
So if there's one takeaway you want our listeners to remember, what would it be?

J - Happy Souls Kids (49:08.824)
That you are enough. That you are enough exactly the way you are. You are enough. You are very capable. You are wonderful. And you're doing a really great job as a parent. And we all make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes. And it's just forgiving ourselves for those mistakes. It's what we call rupture and repair. And just owning up to our mistakes with even with our kids and saying, Hey, I made a mistake. I wasn't the best parent there. And yeah, I think we're all doing our best.

James Moffitt (49:11.138)
Huh? You're enough.

James Moffitt (49:37.666)
Good. Well, I appreciate you being on today's podcast episode. And I'm going to say that's a wrap on today's episode of ABC's of parenting adult children. big thank you to Jacinta Field for sharing her wisdom on emotional development and resilience and how those early building blocks continue to shape our relationships with our adult children. If today's conversation gave you new insight or encouragement, we'd love for you to share it with a friend or leave us a review.

J - Happy Souls Kids (49:43.438)
Thanks for having me, James.

James Moffitt (50:06.474)
If you're on Apple podcasts, you're listening to this podcast episode, you can leave a review right there on the spot. You can also send me a text message by clicking on text me right there and I'll respond because it shows up in my inbox. Don't forget to subscribe. So you never miss an episode. Our website is parenting adult children.org common spelling parenting adult children.org. And there's all kinds of information on there. Parenting doesn't end when our kids grow up.

It just changes and we're here to grow right alongside you. Thanks for listening and we'll see you again next time. Bye bye.