Understanding ADHD and Anxiety in Parenting with Zoey Kyriacou

Speakers:

• James Moffitt: Host
• Zoey: Guest

Transcript:

James Moffitt: Hello and welcome today on the ABCs of Parenting Adult Children. We welcome Zoey Kariakou, a guide for navigating tough conversations and a voice of clarity in chaotic times. Whether you're grappling with shifting family roles or searching for faith-based tools to build stronger adult relationships, Zoey brings both heart and insight to the table. Zoey, how are you?

Zoey: Wonderful. Thank you so much for having me today.

James Moffitt: Absolutely. Where are you from?

Zoey: So I'm from New Jersey.

James Moffitt: Okay, you're a Jersey gal.

Zoey: Mm-hmm. I am through and through.

James Moffitt: I have a couple of friends that are podcast hosts and guests. Michael Mayon, he has Mike's Nerd Bites podcast. It's very funny. It's like a 10-minute or less podcast episode. He's a singer-songwriter musician, and many times he has a little jingle that he'll sing at the beginning of his podcast. But anyway.

Zoey: Nerd break. Okay.

James Moffitt: Lots of fun. So you're from New Jersey and tell the listening audience a little bit about yourself.

Zoey: Thank you. So yes, I'm from New Jersey. I am a single mom of three kids and I have spent the better part of my adulthood in behavioral health. So I'm a licensed professional counselor, nationally certified, and I've recently also transitioned into doing some coaching as well. That way I could reach people that are outside of New Jersey too.

James Moffitt: Awesome. How did you get into that?

Zoey: So I always had this idea in my head from the time I was a kid that I wanted to help. I wanted to talk to people. I would watch shows like Frasier, which maybe some of the listeners might be familiar with, and listen to radio shows like Love Phones with Dr. Drew when I was supposed to be sleeping, really. And I would just think I want to do that one day. So I did go to school. I got my bachelor's in psychology. And after I graduated from Seton Hall University with my psych degree, like many people with a psych degree, wasn't totally sure what I was going to do with it. But I started working with little kids on the autism spectrum doing applied behavior analysis, which is kind of a fancy way of saying we work on behavior modification.

James Moffitt: Right.

Zoey: But we also analyze the behavior through data and make changes to their treatment plan. And I did that for quite some time. And then I decided it was time to start my own family and take a break from other people's kids. And I had my three awesome, awesome children. And then at some point, you know, in that time, I decided it's time, it's time to go back. And I went and got my master's degree in counseling and the rest is history. It's just been a true love ever since.

James Moffitt: Nice. So tell me your parenting story.

Zoey: My personal parenting story? Yeah. So I do. Yes. So in 2012, I had twin girls and that was a blast. Parenting twins, especially in that first year, it's something. I mean, it's challenging. You laugh, you cry, you don't sleep. And it really does take a village, right? My sister's help.

James Moffitt: Yeah, yeah. I know you have three children.

Zoey: My mom would come over and we got through it. We got through it. We got through that first year. And then from there forward, they just become the cutest little best friends ever, which is this wonderful thing to watch and observe. And then a couple of years after I had the girls, I decided it was time to try for a boy. And I did, got my little boy. And they are now, the girls are 13 and my son is 10. And they're just amazing little humans. And that's always kind of how I treated them as, as humans, right? Not babies, not toddlers, but as their own special little person that they are.

James Moffitt: Not positions.

Zoey: Nope. Nope.

James Moffitt: So how long have you been married?

Zoey: So I got married in 2007 and unfortunately, things didn't go the way people hope when they first get married and we got divorced in 2020. So I've been a single co-parenting mom for the past five years.

James Moffitt: Wow. Yeah, that's, I'm sure that's difficult, right?

Zoey: It is. It's a big change. Your whole world really does change, right? You go from having your children constantly, 24, was with them, 24-7, down to 50%. And that's a huge adjustment. There's a lot to grieve after a divorce. There's definitely a mourning process, yeah.

James Moffitt: Well, I'm sure that we have some folks in my listening audience that are single parents, single moms, single mothers of children. I didn't say that right, did I?

Zoey: Mm-hmm.

Zoey: Single mother sounded okay to me and I know what you mean.

James Moffitt: Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you have to wear the hat of mom and dad all at the same time sometimes. And, that's yeah, it's, can only imagine it's very difficult. All right. So we appreciate you being on the podcast episode today. And, I have a, I'll just read this from your biography on pod matches.

Zoey: You wear all the hats. Yeah, absolutely.

James Moffitt: Sure. Episode could explore real-world strategies and insights from Zoey. I'm not going to try to butcher your name on managing mental wellness challenges and high functioning adults focusing on anxiety, ADHD, and the subtle, but critical nuances of boundary setting directly translating them into the parenting of adult children.

Zoey: That's okay.

James Moffitt: So the first question would be how do ADHD and anxiety uniquely affect high functioning adults?

Zoey: Yep, let's get into it. I do work with a lot of high functioning adults. And what we're saying when we say high functioning is these are people that are working full time. They've got kids, they've got partners, they are taking care of maybe their senior parents, their members of their community. So from the outside looking in, everything looks great, right? Hunky dory.

Zoey: But by the time they've come in for services, they're usually pretty symptomatic and that could be anxiety from a lot of worry and carrying burden, burnout, sleeplessness, irritability, sometimes even depression. And then when we add on top of it that they are diagnosed with ADHD, so now they're dealing with brain differences, well, now we've got another host of symptoms, right? Motivation, dysregulation, and a bunch of executive dysfunction. So here are these humans that look amazing from the outside and they are not feeling well. They are not really feeling, they're not doing well.

James Moffitt: I got you. What hidden signs often precede burnout in high functioning individuals?

Zoey: Yeah. It could be symptoms of anxiety or depression, right? And so we would want to assess for that. And there are small tools that we use in our practice to get as close to an objective measure as we can. But certainly we might find that they are irritable, they are angry, and these are not people that have typically been angry in their lives. They might even find that they're yelling in their households and they don't want to, you know, they want to be great parents and great spouses. They're not sleeping at night. They notice appetite changes, energy changes. Reduction in motivation, which again, we would want to really assess and make sure what's going on. Why is motivation dysregulated? Is it because of the ADHD? Is it because you're depressed? Is it really just burnout? You know, what are we looking at? There's so many overlapping symptoms with any one of these diagnoses. So it's important for us to get those assessments and to get a really great comprehensive report from the client as to what they're experiencing.

James Moffitt: Gotcha. And this, and we're talking about adults that are living on their own pretty much or the, these. Yeah. Do you, do you see this with adult children like ages 18 to 30, they're living at home as well.

Zoey: Yeah.

Zoey: Yeah, that's a great question. So a bulk of the clients are adults that are carrying on their own lives, right? They're maybe married and have children of their own, but we do definitely see college age people into their sort of young adulthood as they're transitioning out of college and into that next phase of life. Maybe they've come back home from college because they're not totally ready to take that leap into their own apartment or house. So yeah, for sure.

James Moffitt: Why is setting boundaries vital in parent adult child relationships?

Zoey: So I'm incredibly passionate about boundaries. I talk about it a lot. I write about it, post about it, all sorts of things, because clients come in and they're presenting with a certain set of symptoms. A lot of times it's anxiety or burnout. Burnout, by the way, is not a diagnosis. We're just kind of lumping together some symptoms that the client might be experiencing and giving it a name. And what we find is...

Zoey: Although the symptoms are problematic that for some people underneath that, the root of that is that their boundaries aren't so great. And one of the biggest boundary issues that we see are anticipating the emotional needs of someone else. So if you think about what anxiety is, it is being in a state of anticipation, usually about something not so good. You're fearing, you're fearing or worrying about an outcome that isn't so great. So.

Zoey: If we put that in context of interpersonal dynamics and, you know, our parents are the first people we have an interpersonal dynamic with, relationship with, if I'm sitting in a state of anticipating what my mom is going to feel or my dad is going to feel, this can bring on anxiety. So if I think to myself, man, if I say that to mom and dad, they're going to be so upset. They're going to be so mad. They're going to be so sad. I've now created a level of worry.

Zoey: And it might get to the point for many people, I see it all the time, where I'm now even symptomatic. So if you're listening and you're wondering, how is that boundaries? Being in anticipation of somebody else's feelings and then modifying my own behavior to avoid that response, it's indicative of having some poor boundaries because what we want ideally is for you to be okay.

Zoey: With whatever response is going to come out of that person, i.e. in this case, we're talking about parents specifically. So yes, it's uncomfortable for your mom and dad to be upset with you because you've just told them something kind of nerve wracking, but we have to let other people have the emotions they're gonna have. It's not for you to control. We do not fix other people's emotions. We simply don't.

James Moffitt: So if your child comes home and they've got purple hair on one side and pink hair on the other side, and they say that, Hey, I've identified as a non-binary person. Could that be something that would torque some parents maybe a little bit?

Zoey: Yeah.

Zoey: Oh yeah, absolutely. There's a lot of considerations here, right? We've got cultural considerations, we've got religious considerations, right? And I think in those moments, I know for many parents, you wanna just say, this is my house and this is how we're gonna do it, right? And there is a level to that. We do have to have some authority. I often tell parents, you're the boss, you're the boss, right?

Zoey: But it's important to have communication and I will die on this hill. I don't care what relationship it is, parent-child, husband-wife, husband-husband, it doesn't matter. Communication is essential. Sit down with your kid. What's going on? What are they thinking? What are they feeling? Are they nervous or worried about something? Has anything happened?

Zoey: That you weren't aware of yet, the line of communication has to be open and there can't be such a thing as taboo, not with your kids.

James Moffitt: Right. I remember back in 2015, my wife and I started a private Facebook support group. My kids were young adults, you know, 17, 18 years old. And I told my wife, said, I, I really don't want to go to prison and have a boyfriend. So we'll see if we can, let's, start this Facebook support group. I mean, we're already on Facebook anyway. Right. I'm like, let's, let's see if there's other parents experiencing this kind of stuff.

James Moffitt: Of course they were pushing boundaries, pushing buttons and doing everything they could to set me, set me off. Right. And, I'll never get, we, started out with 10 members. Now we've got 1.3 thousand members. And so there's a lot of parents out there that are dealing with all sorts of stuff. And, I remember this one instance, my wife, Katie and I were standing in the kitchen at this house that we were renting.

James Moffitt: And we were having a conversation, cooking lunch, cooking supper. don't know it, whatever meal it was, we were talking about stuff and my daughter, I'll leave her unnamed at this point. Well, actually she likes to go by the nickname of koala. She identifies as a koala bear. And I guess there could be worse things that she could identify as right. So she come waltzing into the kitchen and I'll look up and I'll look at her and she has, she shaved half of her head and she, the other half of her head has.

Zoey: Sure.

James Moffitt: Beautiful brunette hair that she's had, you know, up to this point. And I just kind of looked at her and went, okay.

Zoey: Mm-hmm.

James Moffitt: What are we, what are we trying to accomplish here? And, I didn't flip out or get angry or anything. I was, I'm sure I was kind of shocked. And I think that was kind of what she was after. Right. It was the shock value. And, and I think she was just, you know, feeling, feeling her environment and just trying to be unique. Right. I think she was trying to be unique and maybe doing a little attention getting this, that or another. And so.

Zoey: Yeah.

Zoey: Mm-hmm.

James Moffitt: Luckily I didn't get angry or flip out on her or anything. and, uh, she's, she's carried on that, that, uh, persona and that behavior up until her thirties, you know, she's a, she's certainly a very unique individual, very smart individual, you know? So yeah, it's, it's tough when you're, it's tough when you're, you know, I'm 63, I'll turn 64 this year. I'm a baby boomer. I was raised.

James Moffitt: You know, in the seventies and eighties and, uh, or sixties and seventies graduated high school in May of 1980. And, uh, I not, you know, I'm not a Gen Z, Gen X, Gen A, whatever Jen it is, you know, I'm a baby boomer. And, and I was raised in a different time, a different world. Right. And so I, you know, I'm sure a lot of my viewpoints and, uh, are, uh,

James Moffitt: Viewed as a little old fashioned, a little conservative, right? So, so, you know, parents of adult children, you know, or a lot of those people are probably in their fifties and sixties, you know, and, and I'm sure that they get shocked from time to time, you know? And so it's, it's important to not be judgmental, you know, obviously you have to walk a fine line and you have to use discretion and some wisdom.

Zoey: Great.

James Moffitt: It depends on what that you like. The child's hurting themselves or cutting themselves or something like that. Then obviously that's a cry for help. And it's something that you don't need to blow up about or be angry about. You'll, you're probably going to be more scared than anything else. And, you know, at that point, you just try to, support the, the child, the adult child, whatever, and work on figuring out why they're hurting themselves and, and get them some professional help. Right.

Zoey: Yes. So something that I communicate to all clients, but especially the clients that are coming in with a little, with some parenting challenges that I am helping to provide some parenting skills for is please read behavior as if it were the language, because sometimes our kids don't have the words, the articulation to tell us, or they're scared, right? They don't.

Zoey: They aren't able in that moment for whatever reason to tell us what's going on, whether they're too little still or they're nervous. So we have to look at behavior and read it like a language. So the way you said, cutting might be a cry for help. Exactly. That's how we want to read that. Coming out with purple hair, it could be attention seeking. It could be a variety of things, maybe fitting in with a particular group, maybe.

Zoey: A form of self-expression. We could go on and on with what it could be, but we want to do our best to read the behavior as if it was a language and then communicate with openness, honesty, and empathy, right? Reflect what you're seeing. Hey, it seems like something different's going on with you. Let's talk about it. I'm here, right? This isn't a scary place. I'm your safe place. I'm your mom. I'm your dad. I'm your safe place.

James Moffitt: Right. Why are you glowing in the dark now, honey?

Zoey: Yep. The thing with boundaries.

James Moffitt: Yeah, I'm trying to think.

James Moffitt: Think in the 70s, as I think about my high school years, think the craziest thing that we ever did, other than drinking and smoking a little pot, right, was tattoos. I think that was kind of the extreme. I don't remember saying body piercings or any of that stuff, but I think especially guys, we get...

Zoey: Mm-hmm.

James Moffitt: We were on, you know, FFA and we took shop and auto shop and played basketball and football. so the most extreme thing we did was, you know, probably tattoos. of course that's like way, there's stuff today that's like way out in left field. Like what?

Zoey: Hopefully.

Zoey: Absolutely. Yeah.

James Moffitt: Crazy. So let's talk about, let's talk about parenting boundaries versus adult children boundaries and how they interact.

Zoey: Hmm.

Zoey: Okay, this is, it's such an interesting, yeah, mean, boundaries are boundaries, right? And we can go through some casual ones, easy breezy ones if you'd like, but I think what's important here is that transitional time where your young adult is straddling the line between kid,

James Moffitt: Or are they the same?

Zoey: And adulthood and you as the parent are now you're wreck. mean, listen, you have eyes, right? No, you know that's happening. You know, they're trying to figure out how to be autonomous and independent, but you as the parent are still in parenting mode when really at some point and, it's, it's a question mark when that point is really, there's a pivot that happens to, I'm not quite the parent that I,

Zoey: I'm not needed to be that type of parent anymore, right? I'm not spoon feeding them anymore. They still need me, but they need me in a capacity that feels more like coach, like counselor in a way, right? I'm their train conductor. I'm not holding their hand onto the platform anymore. It becomes different. so it's parents often sort of miss that cue and I get it. I'm scared for that moment when that cue is going to happen and I have to...

Zoey: Let go of their hand a bit. It's nerve wracking, but boundaries during that time are super important. Probably the most important time to have boundaries with your young adult child. Allowing for them to say no, no thank you, right? Allowing for them to be enough as they are today, even if you know there's more potential.

Zoey: You guide them to that, you don't chastise them for that. Agreeing to disagree, and if you do disagree, remember the burden is on you to tolerate that discomfort of the disagreement, not to force them to see your viewpoint because that sort of manhandling doesn't often work very well at that age especially. So boundaries are critical during that crux.

James Moffitt: Yeah. One of the things we talk about on the podcast episode is the importance of parent, for parents to understand that we are transitioning right along with the children. You know, the children go from pre-teens to teenagers to adult 18 to 30. And it's like you said, we, we at 18 years of age, you would hope that you had taught them how to be good humans, good humans, good adults.

Zoey: Yes.

James Moffitt: And we have to transition into the role of a mentor support person. Yeah. Just like you said, and, I think a lot of parents get so hung up in their, their vision of who they think those adults are supposed to be and what they're becoming or should become that they forget that. And they're, know, your child's 18, 19, 20, 21 years old and you're still treating them like they're six or, or 16. Right. And you can't do that anymore. You're, you're beyond that, you know,

Zoey: Yeah. Yep.

James Moffitt: Unless there's some sort of mental, unless you've got a child that's neurodiverse or has some sort of mental capacity issue where they're, you know, physically they're 18 years old, but they're really only 12, right? So at that point, you know, then there's the reason why you might be still acting like the parent in the day-to-day activities, know, brush your teeth.

James Moffitt: Cut back on your screen time, go to sleep, don't play games until four o'clock in the morning, blah, blah, blah. But if they're a normal child, know, a normal young adult, then you can't be doing that anymore.

Zoey: Absolutely.

Zoey: You got it. It's yeah, it's, it's, it is tough. that's usually when the parents is having a really hard time doing that. That's where we see that that young adult is pushing back, right? That we see angst in the relationship at that time, because they're asserting their boundaries, their independence, their autonomy, and the parent is not yielding to that.

James Moffitt: That's tough. It's tough for parents to do that.

Zoey: And we have to remember, this is so hard again, you know, I'm a mom, know it's, it's tough. have to allow for our children. And when I say children, I mean, of any age, to meet with some natural consequences, right? So if your 19 year old has a project due on Friday and they haven't started it yet, of course, check in by all means. I'm not saying abandon your child's butt.

Zoey: We also can't handhold them. So if they need to meet the consequence of not doing their project, they might have to meet that consequence. If they have to meet the consequence of the fact that they did no laundry the entire month and now they're wearing their underwear inside out, let them meet that consequence, right? Sometimes we have to release them to their own devices and let them meet the consequence. Our job as parents is not to make our kids happy because remember, we don't make other people a certain emotion.

Zoey: Our job is to raise kids that are, like you said, good humans, know how to integrate socially, know how to live an independent life so that we can set them free one day, whatever that might be. And that's different for everybody. So many cultural and all sorts of considerations, but our job is to set them up for success the best that we possibly can and then allow them to fly when it is time to fly.

James Moffitt: Right. Kick them out of the nest and make sure they make sure they have a parachute that way. If they land, they hit the ground. They won't hit the ground too hard. Right.

Zoey: Yeah, scary stuff. Yes. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And you can always be that parachute for your kid, you know, like, we're not getting rid of them. We're just saying you're ready. You're ready. We did a great job. You're ready.

James Moffitt: Our kids will always be our kids no matter how old they are or how old we are.

Zoey: For sure.

James Moffitt: So how do you coach parents to resist people pleasing tendencies?

Zoey: Yeah. Yeah, the people pleasing. So it's important to recognize, and this is for anything that you come in for, you know, with coaching or therapy, it's important to recognize that you are doing it. We have to build awareness to the fact that we are doing something before we can change it. So awareness comes first. Recognize that maybe, just maybe, I am people pleasing.

Zoey: And then something that I do with my clients is try to understand what the root of the people pleasing is, right? So we don't talk about it too much, but we do go back in time a little bit to our own parent-child dynamics from our family of origin and see, you know, what was the family life like then? And then we check in and see what is the function of the people pleasing.

Zoey: Am I afraid that I will not be liked? And if I am not liked, am I afraid that I'm going to be abandoned? People have a fear of emotional neglect, abandonment and not being. So we understand the root. We understand what function it is serving, and then we try to gently challenge that. What is the worst that's going to happen here if you say no thank you to somebody or to your child? That they might be upset with you?

Zoey: That your kid might say, mom, hate you. Or I'm not at you. Don't talk to me today. And they go huff and puff and slam their door. And again, when I, like I said before, when I say child, I mean of any age because we're always our parents' child. We have to let them be set if they're going to be. It is okay for us to set our own boundaries. So, you sometimes I'll work with parents and they'll say, those, those darn iPads. And I say, well,

James Moffitt: Sure.

Zoey: What would happen if you take them away? What would happen if you just took them away, right? Because you're the boss, right? You control those things, you pay for them and all that. And they say, well, I think, I don't know, I think they might really get upset. I think they might lose it. I think they might tantrum, you whatever it is. Let that happen. Let that happen, right? It's okay for other people to be frustrated or upset with us sometimes.

Zoey: It's your job to tolerate that and recognize that the people that truly love you, hopefully our children, right? That love is not going to be broken just because you said no. you, right? Maybe you had a gut feeling that tonight was not a great night for your kid to go to that party. And you say, you say, no, not tonight, maybe next time. They're going to be pissed at you, right? They're going to be upset with you. Let them have their emotions. Let them have their emotions, right? And this is, we're kind of,

Zoey: Basing some of this on the assumption that hopefully the rest of the relationship is pretty decent. We're not talking about highly toxic, abusive family members right now. We're just kind of saying, if your boundaries are kind of mushy, don't be afraid to tighten them back up.

James Moffitt: Think I've lost track how many times my kids told me they hated me.

James Moffitt: Well, I love you too. Go clean your room. love you too.

Zoey: Yeah. Exactly. that's what I say too, is like, okay, you're upset with me right now. That's okay. Those are big feelings. You get to have them. you can hate me and be mad at me right now, but I super duper love you. And I let them and give them the space to feel their feelings. Yeah.

James Moffitt: Right. And don't take it and don't take it personal because guess what? You're the parent. That's your job. That's your role is to do what you think is necessary for them to learn how to become resilient and, and learn what it means for somebody to say no to them or say, Johnny, you're special to me, but when you step out that front door, you're not going to be special to everybody. Some people are going to not give a shit less about you. know, you have to learn your acceptance and your

Zoey: No. Yes. Yes.

Zoey: Yep.

James Moffitt: Self-confidence and all that right here at home. You know, know your parents love you and accept you and, and the part of parenting is, you know, teaching kids that, you know, life is hard and life's not fair. Right.

Zoey: Yes. And if you are in a state of always yesing them or always catching their falls, right? Like I remember talking to a parent one time and she did in fact say, you know, my daughter's not doing her laundry. And she was maybe like a senior in high school at the time. not doing her laundry and she's not gonna, her uniform's not gonna be clean. And so I asked her,

Zoey: Well, what are you doing in response? And she says, I'm doing her laundry. No. Let them, yeah, let them fall a little bit. Let them be upset with you that you didn't do their laundry. Give them the space to figure it out and kind of climb back up and realize like, oops, know, my show, my performance, whatever it is, is in an hour. My uniform is dirty.

James Moffitt: Being a helicopter parent.

James Moffitt: Right?

Zoey: They've got to learn those lessons because like you said, outside in that big bad world, it's not going to be so kind and they are going to get no and they are going to meet natural consequences out there.

James Moffitt: Right? And just because your child is now an adult child, 18 to 30, that doesn't mean that you become their automatic maid or their problem fixer. Right? And that's what, that's, that's, that's what some parents that they, they have that urge to fix problems, you know, especially men. Like my wife will come to me and she'll tell me about a problem that she's having. And immediately my little lizard brain starts to figuring out what the, what the answer is and what the fix is.

Zoey: Mm-hmm.

Zoey: No way, no way. Yeah.

Zoey: Yes.

Zoey: Yeah.

James Moffitt: And she's like, James, I don't need you to fix the problem. I just need for you to sit there and listen to me and just let me work through it. And I'm like, well, but that's hard for me. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to sit there and just listen and not try to fix the problem. Right. Cause I'm, I'm hardwired to do that naturally.

Zoey: Great. That's it.

Zoey: Yes. that is a thing. That is definitely a thing. want to fix. Parents want to fix. Partners want to fix. And most of the time, what people are really craving, like your wife said to you, is to be heard, to be understood, and for somebody to hold space for them, so to speak, hold space for the feelings to come out and for the feelings to be respected and understood.

James Moffitt: Validated.

Zoey: Yeah, yeah. Sometimes we want some advice, right? Sometimes, you know, our kids want that or a partner want that. But a lot of the time we just want somebody there with us on this journey.

James Moffitt: Money to care.

Zoey: Yes, 100%. Mm-hmm.

James Moffitt: A safe space.

James Moffitt: So what tools do you recommend for improving emotional regulations? Or regulation rather.

Zoey: Ooh, yeah, emotional regulation. okay, the type of therapy that I do with my clients is cognitive behavior therapy. Cognitive behavior therapy looks at the connection between three really important things. Those things are your thoughts, sometimes referred to as cognitions, right, cognitive, your feelings or emotions, whatever you want to call them, and your behaviors or actions. The words can all

Zoey: Kind of be interchanged. We look at the connection between those three things. emotions are the little alarm bell in our mind and body, because remember, feelings, we call them feelings because we literally feel them, right? So, they're the little alarm bells inside that are saying, hey, something is off. The way that you're thinking isn't so great, or the way that you're behaving isn't so great, or something in your immediate environment isn't so great.

Zoey: So we notice these emotions bubbling up and you'll never hear me say emotions are bad or good. They're either comfortable or uncomfortable and that's going to be different for everyone. So we check in with our emotions. Ooh, that feels uncomfortable. I feel that in my chest or I feel it in my tummy or I have a lump in my throat or I feel like I'm gonna cry. We check in with our emotions and then we sit down and we process a little bit and.

Zoey: Certainly if this is something that's very difficult for you to do, please see a therapist. They will absolutely help you do this. We check in, is the way that I'm thinking serving me at all or is it too negative? Or is it irrational meaning it's just not based in fact, I'm making up scenarios in my head, which people do all the time. We make up a story in our head and then we worry about it. my God, is that really what's gonna happen? Well, no, not necessarily. You made it up, right?

Zoey: We check in to see how our thoughts are doing. my thoughts healthy? And then we check in on our behaviors. Are my behaviors letting me align with the person I want to be on this earth? Am I creating people around me? Well, am I treating my body? Well, am I, am I fulfilling whatever my purpose is? And purpose can mean on a grand scheme, like of life, or it can be my purpose for the day. My purpose for this day is to be a decent parent, you know, that's it.

Zoey: Do a good job at work, whatever it is. So when we can start having healthier thoughts, healthier actions, we can start regulating our emotions a bit better.

Zoey: And also recognize that your emotions aren't going to hurt you. They might be uncomfortable, but you're going to be okay. Take a breath. You're okay. You're safe.

James Moffitt: Right, that's good. That's good stuff.

Zoey: Good.

James Moffitt: So I think that brings us to the end of another episode of ABC's of Parenting Adult Children. A big thank you to Zoey for sharing her experience, wisdom and heart with us today. Zoey's insights remind us that parenting doesn't stop when our kids grow up. It simply changes shape. If today's episode resonated with you, be sure to follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. And if you know somebody navigating the challenges of parenting adult children, share this episode with them. It just might be what they need to hear.

Zoey: Thank you.

James Moffitt: You can find more resources, past episodes and ways to connect with us at parentingadultchildren.org. Follow us on Instagram and at Instagram at parentingadultchildren125. And if you have a story or question you'd like to share, send us an email at talkpac.proton.me. That's talkpac.proton.me. Zoey, thank you so much for sharing all of that with us. And I know that my listening audience got a lot out of it or will get a lot out of it.

James Moffitt: And I look forward to talking to you again sometime in the near future.

Zoey: Thank you so much for having me. It was a wonderful chat and I would love to come back anytime.

James Moffitt: Absolutely. And to the listening audience, I'll say thank you for the privilege of your time and we'll talk to you later. Bye bye.

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